How to make my daughter happy??

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:21 pm

My 10 yo daughter has been pretty moody lately. She finally broke down yesterday and her complaints included - she doesn't want to share a room, she wants a new knapsack and pencil case that are more in style, she wants a real jewelry box and jewelry, not the fake stuff she has, she wants to get rid of her siblings (who love her and always want her to help them and play with them), she doesn't want to ever have to help (clear kitchen table, switch load of laundry, put sibling into pajamas/bed), she wants our house to always be clean and neat and nice (no broken shelves), she doesn't want us to talk to her and ask her questions to encourage conversation (and she hardly communicates any thoughts or feelings) etc .

Trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm happy she finally expressed herself. Some of these wants are doable, some are not. Do I fulfill the doable wants and if so am I giving her things conditionally or just everything she asks for? How to I help her be happy with what she has?

Should I push therapy and how do I explain it to her and convince her if she doesn't want to go? She's not interested in talking or communicating at all. Very sweet good girl and very closed.

groovy1224

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:25 pm

A lot of these have the same theme, where it sounds like she's craving space and quiet. She's sharing a room, her siblings ask her to play, you're prompting her to talk when she doesn't want to. I would say as much as you can, respect her space. It's too much for her.

Have her make a list of the things that bother her, and then work together one which you can give her, which ones she can save up for herself, and which ones aren't reasonable and you will try and give her some tools to cope. (But BTW why is she putting siblings into pajamas/bed when she's 10 years old herself??)

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:33 pm

amother [ Bergamot ] wrote:

The easy things you can buy some or reward her with them. Find ways to give her space, maybe a desk that's only hers. Sounds like a lot of chores for a 10 year old, maybe stagger things so that she's not doing all that every day, one chore a day is probably enough for her age. So either clear the table, or help siblings etc...

Of course. It's usually only one or two chores a day, depending on how big/small the chore is and what else is going on at home...

Chayalle

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's one specific sibling who she can help get into pajamas and read a story while I'm busy with the baby. She never seemed to mind it. And that sibling always asks for her.

Now that you know she does mind...maybe discuss with her what would be acceptable to both of you in terms of how much and when she helps out. It should not be up to the younger sibling to decide that.

I would pick one item from her list of needs to get her, to make her feel special and heard. Maybe a new briefcase for next year (doesn't make so much sense right now, does it.) Talk to her about the fact that it will be coming, so she can plan for it and anticipate it.

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:36 pm

She is thrilled if a friend ever calls her to come play , but very very hesitant to ever initiate. If I give her all the space and quiet she asks for, I don't think she'd really be happy. How do I know when to push her to call friends and she'll end up happy and when to just leave her alone but she'll be miserable and bored

I can try to find her a quiet space to call her own. Really not sure where, though Sad

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:37 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Thanks. Very helpful and clear!

amother

Tan

Wed, May 11 2022, 1:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t have kids of my own yet so don’t take me too seriously, but to me she sounds like… a 10 year old.
A 10 year old that maybe needs a little more space and maybe less responsibility (is she your oldest? I’m the oldest in my family and I find that parents don’t always chap how young their oldests actually are and treat them almost like adults).

She’s a kid that’s growing up, developing her own mind and becoming an individual. The growing pains are very real. But I think they’re also normal.

Oldest

Wed, May 11 2022, 2:28 pm

The asking for her own room, the jewelry etc, to me seems age appropriate. She is 10 years old (a preteen) and is expressing her desire for more personal space and for more grown up things.
As far as complaining about the chores and all that- I think this is her way of telling you that she feels like she is doing too much. Can you possible have a conversation with her where you two discuss what she can do to help around the house? Explain that being part of a family means pitching in when needed but, you also want to make sure you are not asking too much from her at her age. See what she would be willing to do and come up with a plan. This way also, it will make her feel grown up and mature.
I absolutely do not think she needs therapy, it all sounds so normal to me.
As far as her expressing that the house needs to be clean with no broken shelves, I don't know what your house looks like but just based on this at face value- I wonder if she feels embarrassed to bring friends home? Please clarify if I'm wrong on this...

Hatzlacha!
I know you said that the conversations go nowhere, but it may be worth trying some more. Show her you value her input and you may surprised at the results! Also, if you see that a formal "discussion" isn't going anywhere, take her out to somewhere more informal- go out for ice cream or something for some Mommy and Me time and try to bring it up casually in a more relaxed atmosphere

Heyaaa

Wed, May 11 2022, 3:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A good way to help her be happy with what she has is by not withholding things unnecessarily. If there are things that she wants that are doable then it should be done. There will always be things that can't be done or gotten and some of those she can earn on her own and for the others she will have to learn how to be Sameach bechelko.

As a kid gets older and more responsibilities, two things have to increase: recognition of the good that they do and privileges.

She doesn't need therapy. She needs to know that you don't think her requests are crazy. You should explain that her needs and wants are important. You can say that you trust her to understand that you will do what you can and she can do what she can and you wish you could do it all.

amother

Clover

Wed, May 11 2022, 3:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How often do her friends call her? If she’s thrilled when a friend calls her then she doesn’t get enough of it and this is what’s probably bothering her. It’s too hard for her to initiate but she wants it so badly and it’s making her moody. And all the things she’s complaining about won’t necessarily make her happy.

amother

White

Wed, May 11 2022, 3:47 pm

That's quite a range of requests. I would go through them with her and address each one, so that she knows you are taking her seriously and hopefully this will foster more communication in the future as she will see results. She is a pre-teen and acting like one, which is okay! I would tell her the following:

She doesn't want to share a room: Sorry honey, I wish we had another bedroom for you to be by yourself, but we don't. Can you think of a place in the house you can go to if you need some alone time?

New knapsack and pencil case that are more in style: You are a big girl now and so helpful around the house that you have earned these for next school year and I am happy to get them for you.

Wants a real jewelry box and jewelry: A jewelry box is great idea for your next birthday gift. Real jewelry is acquired over time and I know you can't wait until your Bas Mitzvah, when you will get XYZ.

Wants to get rid of her siblings: I know siblings can get really annoying, but they are here to stay!

Doesn't want to ever have to help (clear kitchen table, switch load of laundry, put sibling into pajamas/bed): Let's come up with a list of chores together that you prefer. Everyone has to chip in around the house, but we want to make sure you aren't doing too much.

Wants our house to always be clean and neat and nice (no broken shelves): We will work on fixing the broken shelves, although it may take some time. I would also love the house to always be neat and clean! How do you suggest we work together to accomplish that?

amother

Snowdrop

Wed, May 11 2022, 4:34 pm

I don't think buying her things or giving her what she asked you is going to make her happy.
Kids are usually happy when they feel loved, seen, heard, and cared for. (No, that's not a blanket rule, I said usually.) Going forward, I would focus on giving her more attention, less responsibility-still fine to help if she doesn't feel burdened by it, more listening, less talking, when she asks for small things-buy them next time you're in a store/making an online order. Let her feel like she's on your mind all the time.
Sit and spend a few minutes every day thinking about her, her strengths, her special qualities. She will feel it.

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 6:49 pm

amother [ Clover ] wrote:

Exactly. Any suggestions? What can I do about that?

amother

Wed, May 11 2022, 6:50 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Thank you!