Did you make a Bar Mitzvah and skip

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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amother

Sun, May 15 2022, 11:27 pm

a ladies kiddush? Did anyone mind or comment?

amother

Blushpink

Sun, May 15 2022, 11:32 pm

This is probably community dependent.

I’ve never heard a ladies kiddiesh. In my community kiddeishim are in shul for both genders

amother

Thistle

Sun, May 15 2022, 11:34 pm

In my circles, many people don't give a bar mitzvah kiddush at all, and those that do, it's only for the men.

amother

Peach

Sun, May 15 2022, 11:39 pm

amother [ Thistle ] wrote:

In my circles, many people don't give a bar mitzvah kiddush at all, and those that do, it's only for the men.

Oh wow, now I'm curious, which circles is this?

amother

Plum

Sun, May 15 2022, 11:42 pm

By us we also don't make any Kiddush. We're chasidish if it makes a difference
I think by chasidim it's not a thing but I could be wrong

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:02 am

I had a ladies kiddush but I didn’t make a shabbos bm. I only did the kiddush. I didn’t have any guests at all aside for a set of grandparents. No placing people, no huge meals. We had quiet meals at our dining room table. The weeknight event was celebrated in style and many were invited. I had to cut back somehow because there was so much going on in our family at the time. The only way I could think of was by not making a big shabbos. The bm boy still felt choshuv in shul on shabbos and enjoyed his kiddush.
Some of my neighbors did not make a kiddush for ladies. The invitation clearly said it was for men only. I’m sure the bm boy didn’t really care if there were ladies there.

amother

Azalea

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:19 am

Yes I skipped a ladies kiddush. I had a weeknight affair with a dessert reception. Didn’t feel it was necessary .

DrMom

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:20 am

We gave a kiddush for our shul -- men and women (and children).

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:21 am

What do you mean no ladies kiddush? At my shul there is a kiddush for a simcha for both or none. And at every shul I have been to in my community. Sometimes the ladies get different stuff (men might get more herring and kugel, women salads and fancier cakes).

Do women not go to shul or what do they do while the men are fressing? Stand and wait? I dont get it.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:26 am

amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:

You just don’t get it..
A ladies kiddush is not the same thing as a standard kiddush with kugel and cake.
It’s a whole different caliber. There’s often a party planner and top of the line chocolate platters and petite pastries. It’s a fancy, regal display set up only for the women. Its either in shul but often in the house . It’s nothing at all like a simple kiddush with cake and soda.
You either get it or you don’t.

amother

Azalea

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:27 am

In many communities in the Lkwd area a men’s kiddush can be in the shul while the ladies kiddush would be in the home of the baalei so mcha . I guess it’s for space , convenience , and diff type of foods etc. Also many women have young children and therefore are not making it to shul but can more easily go to the baalei simchas house ..

DrMom

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:03 am

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

That sounds like so much effort to plan in additon to planning the entire bar mitzvah. I can understand why people would be tempted to skip it.

But why does it have to be as fancy as you described? A party planner for a kiddush? Fuhgeddaboudit.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

a ladies kiddush? Did anyone mind or comment?

I did. Just put up signs men only , put some cake out for the ladies who were in ship, but not for wider community. Ppl did mind, and ppl did comment, I was very happy I did it like that, though not sure I would do it again as it upset my husband and mother in law

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, May 16 2022, 3:50 am

DrMom wrote:

I agree.
Many of us bemoan the upping of standards in the frum community. Party planner for an extra fancy kiddush is, IMHO, a big leap to the next level.
There is no real reason to have such a thing as it only serves to show off.

amother

Garnet

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:08 am

I don't know where you live, but by us more and more people are stopping to make ladies kiddush cos its to much work and money. no one minds at all though many make a dessert table by the seuda and invite the people for then.

amother

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:15 am

amother [ Garnet ] wrote:

Where do you live?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:27 am

I'm not in the US and we have all different. Many people I know just do the kiddush in shul for men only. It's cheaper and easier. Some will do a kiddush for ladies in the house, but often more low key and invitation only.
I feel sorry for those of you living in communities where you feel pressured to do things to much higher standards than you would want to.

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:00 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

Nope
I dont get it. Dont want to get it. I think it is absolutely ridiculous.
Why in the world put this pressure on?
Why make this a necessity?
Especially with so many people complaining about inflation, high costs, upping community "basic norms"...???

You can do something nicer than soda and a basic cake at a shul but why the need for "regal", "top of the line", "party planner" "different caliber" to even be a part of the discussion?!?! Why?
Who are we all trying to impress and show off? I would much rather enjoy the simcha, have it nice without extremes and financial pressure and the stress of making sure it is "nice enough" to shock the neighbors.
Why or why?!?!

mha3484

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:07 pm

I have never seen a special kiddush for women. I see a lot more people making the bo bayom bigger and having desert receptions and shabbos smaller so that you can have more control over the guest list and if you have a family dynamic that is not hospitable for making a whole shabbos its easier to do a bigger weeknight that people can drive to and then go home.

Honestly, if you as the mother want to make a fancy kiddush and can afford it good for you. I was pregnant with my boys, gave birth to them, raised them and its just as much my simcha that I got to their bar mitzvah with my sanity intact as it is theirs. Why cant I as the mother celebrate the milestone how I want? We dont all have to do the same thing.

watergirl

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:12 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

I'm making a bar mitzvah very soon IYH and I can not relate at all to this BH. We are making a beautiful, regal, kavodig kiddush for the whole shul as is the custom in our shul. I have never ever heard of what you are describing other than on imamother.

Honestly, it sounds a lot like "tell me you have more money than you know what to do with, without telling me you have more money than you know what to do with... I'll go first".

I am all for people spending if they have it. I am not at all for it being a thing and if you don't have it to spend, or if it is not an expense you value, being concerned with people minding or commenting, as OP is. That is in no way ok, fair, or nice.

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