Are my kids unusually difficult or normal?

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:14 am

Am I expecting too much out of them or is it considered normal to wake up in the morning to the sound of screams shrieks and fights?
They are a high energy bunch. They wake up yelling literally. They fight endlessly. When I open my bedroom door I'm greeted by a barrage of kvetches and complaints .
They are such an unpleasant bunch. I dread Sundays and shabbos. I just want to ship them off to school all the time. I feel like they are selfish and inconsiderate. Being around them is exhausting. There is never a moment where they aren't demanding or fighting or complaining.

Then another issue is the way they make messes. And I'm not talking about massive toy messes or leaving their dirty laundry on their bedroom floor. I must say it a hundred times but they can't seem to figure out where the laundry basket is. I'm not even talking about that. I'm referring to the inconsiderate way they make messes. They take off their socks in the middle of the kitchen and leave it on the kitchen floor..remove dirty bandaid and throw it on the floor. Tissues in the bathroom are never in the garbage. There is a pile of neatly folded laundry on the couch but they want the couch they simply toss the whole pile on the floor.
I expect my 4 year old to make such messes but a 10 year old ?
What am I doing wrong?
And the ironic part is their schools tell me what amazing kids they are. They love their high energy and they say they are respectful great kids in class.
Me I'm exhausted and don't want to see them unless I know I'm sending them somewhere..only 20 more minutes until I can send them to the bus. 1 hour left where I can send them to bed. If I know I have a 4 hour stretch with them I lose my mind.

amother

Wheat

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:35 am

Read the continuum concept. Kids should not act this way.

Surrendered

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:53 am

You're asking if it's normal to wake up to screaming and chaos, the short answer is no.
The question is, why is there so much chaos right away?
We need to get to the root of the issue, why there's so much heat, anger and screaming...
Can you take a step back, look inwards, and see if you scream alot, and this it their language?
Are they searching for clothing and can't find?
Are the kids fighting when mommy is asleep? Maybe you need to get up earlier to interveneso you can avoid them getting into that mode...

Regarding the leaving stuff on the floor, they are children. They, like all typical children, need to be taught right from wrong. This is where we come in to be mechanach.
We need to create some kind of structure.
Like: Sitting at the table when eating, wrappers go in the garbage...

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:55 am

First of all, you are a great mother in many ways because the schools feel your children are assets. But things need to change. It would take many pages to write the different ways it can and the strategies to do so. Try to find books, mentors, workshops etc of those with strong and fair disciplinarian techniques. This does not mean becoming a nasty mom. It means following through on consequences in a fair and calm manner. (Please realize some children ARE messier. But what you describe seems too much.)
The kvetchy you describe in them sounds like they don't know the expected boundaries and keep trying to push you. It's like when a child nags for a toy every day. You say a distracted 'we'll see...maybe next week...ask Abba' This uncertainty leads to a child feeling unsure about what to expect and therefore unhappy and continuously nagging. Suppose you tell the child, I will give you the toy in 3 months. They will step nagging because they feel more sure of what to expect. You need to find a balance of strong disciplinarian tactics and loving communication to even begin to see some changes.

Rubies

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:58 am

Normal for challenging kids.

Definitely try to come up with things you can change or solve but while you do that, remember that sometimes specific ages, stages, environmental, external circumstances are the tipping point. When they pass, you'll see improvement.

Surrendered

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:59 am

You also mention that you feel at your wits end and keep waiting for the next moment when you can get a calm moment without the kids.

Let me ask you, How much do you SELF-CARE?
You might need give yourself more me-time and compassionate care. You might be to overwhelmed, you too need to recharge your emotional and physical energy, in order to keep giving.

When you do more for yourself, you actually do it for your family. You're making a calm happy mother. They deserve it.

What will you do for yourself today, to have more energy and excitement to be with your kids? You deserve it.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:01 am

What are their ages and do you give them any responsibility? Such as chores, helping around the house?

mushkamothers

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:01 am

Is there any sensory needs or lack of executive functioning skills?

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:06 am

Wow I could’ve written this. Although my kids aren’t necessarily high energy. They just fight all day and completely stopped listening.it really makes me feel down in the dumps. Like what am I doing this for anyway??
Following for advice …

amother

Dill

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:16 am

Some kids are more challenging than others.
I have a few with adhd/sensory needs and boy are they challenging.

Some people just have easier kids, though many of those parents will take the credit and say they trained their kids right. No amount of training will make a high energy adhd kid into a calm docile obedient child. Of course you need systems etc, but some kids are just much more active and difficult.

Keep in mind that many of these traits that are so difficult now will benefit them in the long run. Perseverance, high energy, great ideas, ambition, drive, etc. Great for adults who become the movers and shakers of society, but not so easy for their parents when the kiddos are young and lack judgment.

imaima

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:18 am

Do they have private spaces to go to if they don’t get along? Or do they all share a bedroom?

amother

Dill

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:18 am

Surrendered wrote:

Sometimes the kids wake up very early and start off playing nicely but eventually leads to fighting and screaming, so that by the time the parent wakes up, they are waking up to chaos.

amother

Chestnut

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:24 am

Regarding the screaming and fighting. Do you yell a lot? Perhaps your spouse? If any of you have a short fuse, it's extremely likely that kids inherit it or learn by default.

From your post it seems that you are anxious or stressed about this. You must do whatever it takes to be a calm mother, as kids will absorb anything better this way.
I'm saying this from experience. My oldest was an extremely challenging child and my frustration was visible to her. Once I learned how to remain calm, there was tremendous improvement.
Hard work on your end, but so worth it.

Regarding messes- that's normal. If it stresses you out, get more cleaning help. They will learn with time.

And the fact that they do well in school is the best indicator that they are normal. Believe me, you would have a problem on your hands if they acted this way in school. In your home, they are comfortable.

amother

Celeste

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:25 am

Maybe if you wake up before them you may be able to change things around. If they wake up and see you happy to see them they'll be happier to. They can either start their day with breakfast or with a toy but if you're with them they will be much easier