Was this reasonable?

amother

Canary

Tue, May 17 2022, 6:40 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

In an elevator?
On what planet?
Maybe if your dinner is fish sticks still frozen and a box of unwashed grape tomatoes.

Don’t worry. I won’t make you a meal. Before being on this site, I would gladly have signed up to do so, but I am so turned off from doing chessed from reading the entitlement and lack of appreciation.

Agreed. I have provided a lot of meals via meal train but now I’m cringing thinking what bad things could have been said about me for doing them a kindness.
I’m completely turned off to do a mitzvah now, some women are ridiculously entitled

amother

Seashell

Tue, May 17 2022, 6:52 pm

As someone who does a lot of chessed and also gets help from various organizations one of my pet peeves is to make the chessed easy. If someone reaches out to me for help I give them exact instructions to make it simple and straightforward.

I have mentioned to others how uncomfortable it is when I call an organization to jump through hoops to get the help I need it's not the right way.

If someone needs help they should be helped directly in the manner which they need otherwise it's really not a help.

For a new mother to get dressed and come downstairs it's a huge hassle and not worth it. Why couldn't she tell her I feel bad but I can't come down right now let me ask a neighbor to come downstairs or I feel bad I am busy feeding the baby can my DH pick it up from you, or I feel bad I can't come down right now can you possibly give it to someone else that can use it or a kollel.

I got meals from others after had my 2nd kid, nobody helped me after my first kid (long story) and the food was terrible, I eat very healthy and all the food was oily and greasy or not cooked well at all and I threw it all out. I tried telling the people that I didn't want or need the food but they insisted. Nobody asked me what I like to eat or any sort of things like that even though they all knew that I keep a strict healthy diet.

I feel that a chessed should be a true chessed from start to finish. There is an inyan where a person only gets the mitzvah if they start and complete the mitzvah from end to end.

For those that are "turned off" from doing chessed as a result of comments on this site maybe ask the people you are helping if what you are offering is helpful instead of just doing. Let's put some real heart into our chessed and not just do things because it comes our way.

I try to do chessed from my heart and I think it works well!

Simple1

Tue, May 17 2022, 7:07 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

In a perfect world, yes. But we are human and therefore not perfect. I feel there's a risk of scaring away potential chesed doers if they need to worry if it will be done 100 percent right. Especially for people with anxiety. Most of the time it works out. If occasionally it doesn't, you can still appreciate the 90 percent that is helpful.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, May 17 2022, 7:37 pm

amother [ Canary ] wrote:

This is the thing, if meal trains petered out and became a relic of the past, suddenly instead of noticing the flaws and remembering all the less than perfect meals/deliveries, suddenly people would be waxing nostalgic about the good old days of getting meals delivered and wish they still had it, no quibbling on the menu/amounts/type of food provided for kids vs adults/method of delivery and so on, all the various complaints I've read on threads here over the years. When you are accustomed to certain things you don't always fully appreciate it.
Maybe many of us should get off the meal train, honestly, see how that changes perceptions and expectations.

amother

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:12 pm

amother [ Canary ] wrote:

I think you are going a tad overboard here. Last I checked this was a forum for DISCUSSION. We are discussing this. Because that's what you do here. If you don't like doing that, then stick to threads with titles like "Somebody amazing did something awesome."

Nobody knows the who, what, where, and when of this whole occurrence. It is as anonymous as it gets.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

exactly. It's a discussion. And people can draw their own conclusions, and either decide to keep it theoretical or make actual changes in their lives based on the discussion. Sounds like it is going both ways on this thread, and that is each participant's prerogative. You can't dictate how people choose to react to your posts.

amother

Rainbow

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:31 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

This whole thread makes me very uncomfortable. I can't imagine someone doing me a chessed and then criticizing the way it was done. I'm trying to think of parallel situations where the chessed wasn't done to your liking, or to the "optimal" way. Unless, I can understand, you specified that all meals must be brought to your actual door in the instructions, so anyone unwilling to comply with those instructions should not bother making a meal for you.

Trying to think of parallels like: When someone is collecting money and you give them small pocket change, and they start yelling that it's nothing and it's a pathetic amount. Is it better to give nothing if you can't give a significant amount?

or

If you friend is in a pinch and asks you to watch her kids and it's around supper time and you didn't prepare a fancy supper for your family, but they are eating sandwiches for supper tonight. Is it better to decline offering help because you won't be feeding her kids a nice enough meal?

It's a choice to accept other people's kindness. If you are so specific in the way it should be done, maybe it's time to re-think if you should be accepting other people's help. Because I can't imagine, in a world like this, wanting to do chessed, if I knew I'd be judged and criticized every-time I tried to help a person in need, if it wasn't up to the standards they had in mind.

These examples aren’t at all the same. More like:
Your friend asked you to watch her kids, it’s around supper time, and you feed her lactose intolerant child some dairy. Should she be grateful anyway that you fed her kids?

Or

Someone is collecting money. You tell them to come inside, then surprise, there is a shir going on and he is forced to sit there for an hour before he gets the check from you, which he did not have time for but felt obligated to stay and not insult the rabbi speaking.

My point is, sometimes a Chesed can go along with harm. Life is shades of gray. And sometimes, if given a choice beforehand, one would choose to not get that Chesed at all had they known what it would entail.

Personally, I would rather throw in fish sticks that night for dinner instead of getting dressed and going down with my baby. Now I’m sure the lady worked harder than the one going downstairs. But if given the choice, I’d rather a simple dinner and staying in pjs. Others might choose differently.

This doesn’t negate the good she did. But it did come along with bad as well, and OP might’ve chosen no dinner and no getting dressed.

For me, I don’t accept dinners at all after baby, because I felt pressured to be dressed and ready for people dropping it off and it wasn’t worth the hassle. That’s with them coming to my door. So I understand OP.

amother

Hibiscus

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:37 pm

It's a very sensitive topic for most people! Most people on this board have extended theirselves to make supper for a new mommy. Many people are receivers as well. When someone has a few kids of their own, and they make it their business to engage in this chesed, and then they feel bad they couldn't deliver it on time or to their door, or the food was too oily, etc., it creates a feeling if "why bother?".
Most people I have made supper for truly enjoyed it, most of their children ate it, and the new mother feels pampered and taken care of. If I was dropping it off with no one to help me bring in the food and no place to park the car, I would feel terrible having the new mom come down. But, there isn't always another option. This thread has got me thinking.... I do understand how sensitive and hormonal and tired a new mom is. I think we all try and do the best we can! Let us judge people favorably and with that I hope we bring Moshiach!

amother

Plum

Tue, May 17 2022, 9:45 pm

I think this topic has been thoroughly beaten to death, but I just want to add one more point.

Everyone experiences things differently and finds different aspects challenging.
For some, the postpartum period is a lot harder than others. So one poster might be thinking to herself- What's the big deal to just get dressed? While to another poster, getting dressed while feeling awful and in pain and swollen from stitches is like climbing a mountain.

Or one poster might be thinking- what's the big deal to scoop your baby up and go in the elevator, while another poster or op hasn't gotten the baby to sleep in hours and the baby has been crying and fussy and just fell asleep at the breast and the new mother was looking forward to a few minutes of calm, and now baby will wake up and start the whole cycle again. Btdt.

Everyone is viewing it from their own perspective, while we actually experience different realities.