The imperfect chessed thread. The other side off the story

amother

Coffee

Thu, May 19 2022, 12:26 am

imaima wrote:

May I ask why not?
After the birth

Seriously, who wants to eat chicken legs and potatoes for 2 weeks straight because everyone can't be bothered to make more than basic?
Who even makes that these days? There are so many other easy options.
I make chicken legs MAX twice a month and nobody eats it.
If I am going to have to go out and buy something for my family anyways then thanks but no thanks.
If you make something decent and delicious at least you know they will definitely eat it.
If you can't prepare something decent- don't join a meal train.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, May 19 2022, 2:25 am

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

Maybe your family's idea of "decent" tastes bad to someone else. There's a woman in my neighborhood who is famous for her homemade sushi. I hate sushi. But if she made it for me, or if she brought over simple chicken and potatoes, I'd be grateful. Who are you to decide what's decent?

Reality

Thu, May 19 2022, 3:08 am

I resent posters who said anyone who thinks chicken and potatoes is inadequate is entitled. Most people who send that are NOT sending an adequate amount of food. They are sending a skimpy meal. Watergirl is an exception because she sends a huge quantity. But the people I know who send that are the type to send less pieces of chicken than the amount of people in the family. Like they'll calculate little kids get half a piece only etc.

For most of my kids I didn't sign up to receive meal trains. I had no problem cooking after giving birth. In fact, many of my births I went to my parents and cooked for them too after the first few days! My Mom works full time and she loved coming home and having supper ready!

Like I said, when I was able, I happily send meals in a way that makes the receiver feel good. Isn't that the point of doing chesed? The point isn't to make me feel good. Yay me I checked off another chesed. The point is to be giving and make someone else feel good!

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, May 19 2022, 3:28 am

Mommy1:) wrote:

Wow this is a loaded thread...

Personally, I would be thrilled with chicken and potatoes! Tonight we had grilled cheese and sliced veggies and frozen fruit; a warm meal sounds delightful. One full time working mom to another - Watergirl - your chessed is incredible! Amazing that you can pull it off!

When I read this thread at first, I was quite stirred up. the chicken and potato dinner sounded amazing, and to read of all the upset Imas who wouldn't want that dinner was surprising... I walked away from it to try to see the other side, which wasn't easy at first... especially considering the negative feedback could easily have been about me. And the loshon hora circle complaints about any of it - even a restaurant/store made and delivered meal - tragic on so many levels. So many of the comments sounded highly entitled, it made me feel sick.

Then I came to a realization...

If a poor person comes to your door, there is a mitzvah to feed him the way he was fed when he wasn't poor. While Imas who have just had a baby aren't necessarily poor, if an Ima has an expectation for a Shabbos or Yom Tov level meal - with multiple dishes and courses etc - then she should make her wants clear. Then it's up to the Imas to decide if they can deliver such a meal. But if any Imas out there want all meals prepared in a certain way and to a certain standard but don't let folks know, they have ZERO rights to complain. Period.

For those of you who join in any of those loshon hora circles to complain about or hear complaints about someone's meal delivery, we really NEED Moshiach. There is endless suffering in this world today. Just walk away from the loshon hora, please.

I don’t think it’s about being entitled, more like what you’re used to. It wouldn’t dawn on me to send chicken legs or bottoms and I’ve never received them either. The ppl that send chicken legs probably get the same when it’s their turn, meaning it’s accepted in their circles. I got suppers for almost two weeks after my last birth. All of them had soup, cutlets, veggie side and potato side and some sort of dessert. Some had entrees and drinks too but that was already extra. I loved it, felt so taken care of and pampered and I send the same when I prep meals for new mothers. Yes, it takes time but I like giving new mothers that extra pampering. But I’m sure that the ppl that send and receive the chicken legs are just as appreciative. I think it’s a matter of what you’re used to

amother

Snowflake

Thu, May 19 2022, 3:33 am

Wow this issue seems to be so polarizing.
I don't think I'm alone in being grateful for virtually any meal during my post-partem week. For me it is not at all an issue of imperfect chessed, boring food, the same meal twice in a row. No biggie at all.
My issue is with going down to pick up food when it seems this was impromptu. When the driver couldn't find a spot she called the OP to come down the block, if I recall correctly. Post c/section I was barely walking, limping in discomfort, wearing special clothes against my incision. I probably had not even gone through my closet to see which clothes fit me properly for outdoor wear.
Then there is the issue of the baby. Was I in the middle of nursing, which was almost always true the first few weeks. Bra not fastened. Which shoes fit me to wear out in public? Where are my nursing pads so I don't leak through?
Am I bleeding through? yup, the first week or so I bled clots. Serious clots dripping down my legs.
Anyway, you get the idea. And I'd be stressed to hurry in case they are blocking traffic or rushed to get back to their own families. This is stress I don't need just now.
I'm sure others were up and about back to their workout routines already but many are not.
Since there is a good chance it presents a hardship, I think the request to come down should not be made without asking first.

salt

Thu, May 19 2022, 3:40 am

Just remembered this happened to me about 12 years ago.

Was asked to make dinner for a family after birth.

I made a large lasagna. Left it out on the table to cool a little before wrapping it up. DH came home and ate a quarter of it! He thought it was our dinner. (We don't eat together, I make dinner, leave it out, and every eats when they come home, so it was an honest mistake)

I quickly baked some potatoes and cheese and made a salad, so that there would be some extra food, and took it all round anyway (including the half eaten lasagna).

I took it to the door, and apologised, we both laughed about it, and she said don't worry and thank you very much.

I wonder if she then went to post a complaint on imamother!

amother

Lightblue

Thu, May 19 2022, 4:19 am

Why does everyone keep exaggerating what that OP had to do? People keep talking about walking down the stairs, post C-section (OP never said anything about having one), walking down the block...

She had to take an elevator to the bottom of her building.

I think everyone is blowing that story way out of proportion.

The poor lady who spent all day preparing a meal for someone, she doesn't realize she did something so terrible that it blew up the internet.

amother

Clematis

Thu, May 19 2022, 4:31 am

The absolute strangest part of it is that everyone is acting as if the choices were deliberate.

This lady PLANNED to make a postpartum mom come downstairs.
She PLANNED to make a dismissive comment about bringing down the baby.

The ones that send smaller meals PLAN to make mom feel bad by not giving her enough food.
The ones that send meals late PLAN to send them late.
The ones who send the same meal as yesterday PLAN to make you eat the same thing 3 days in a row.
The ones who forget to send at all PLAN to not take their obligation seriously.

In a perfect world, I think we'd all make beautiful multi-course dinners, deliver them fresh and steaming right on time, straight to the door, with a bouquet of flowers and a baby present.

But we live in Golus. And we do our best, and every so often (or very frequently) we mess up.
We say stupid things when we have to think on our feet.
We forget things that we completely intended to do.
We are forced to reschedule and re-prioritize when new things come up.

It doesn't mean we don't care.
It doesn't mean we don't take the other person seriously.
It doesn't mean we want all postpartum moms to take walks on our behalf.
It doesn't mean we don't think it's important to eat.

It means that there are humans trying to help other humans...

And we can simultaneously be overwhelmingly grateful for everything done for us, while at the same time knowing that there is an even better way to do it if we are given the opportunity.

So to all mealtrain participants:
If you send a meager meal just enough for me - THANK YOU!
If you send it late so it's for the next day instead - THANK YOU!
If you inconvenience me along the way, I know you were also inconvenienced. THANK YOU!
If you send the same thing that I got the past few days, great minds think alike - THANK YOU!
If you give me too little, too much, food I don't like, too simple or too gourmet or too spicy... THANK YOU!

It is all appreciated. Really and truly. May Hashem bentch you to always be on the giving end, and if you must be a receiver, may it be for very happy occasions! Please do continue what you're doing, as imperfect as it is. You are spreading more joy and warmth than you can imagine.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:35 am

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

There truly is a divide in the frum world between the haves and the have nots.
I don't even know what to say to a post like this except it concerns me. Thank God we live in a time of plenty currently. But those times never last forever in Jewish history.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:45 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

Right.
In our house, chicken pieces are only for Shabbos. I can't wrap my mind around them not being good enough even for during the week.

In my area, a meal train is not a whole meal. It's a protein and a starch. You add the rest yourself. And there have been times when people have said "I'd love to cook for you, give me the protein and I'll make up the meal."

I'm happy I live where I do. I can't imagine bringing up kids who turn their noses up at chicken and potatoes for a weekday supper. I think it's more about standards than about money. My kids have often brought friends home for supper and it seems we eat pretty standard. During the week that means protein, carb, cooked veg and salad with a fresh fruit for dessert for anyone who wants. No first course, no dessert. If I had to send people what is a yomtov meal to my mind, you'd better believe I wouldn't be volunteering.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:10 am

I can't even fathom this thinking:
Poor woman who cooked all day and now can't find parking. Please do all you can to make her delivery go as smoothly as possible.
She has 7 sleeping children in the car and left another 5 by themselves in their apartment. It took her 2 hours to shop, 5 to cook and another 2 to drive across town in traffic (both ways of course).
Come on new Mom, run down to the car, don't make her wait, thank her profusely, apologize for living on a busy street and don't forget to bring down treats (maybe a whole meal?) for the woman and her family who now have no dinner of their own.

Sorry, obviously kidding, but really?

amother

Papayawhip

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:57 am

One more point - we all have different tznius standards for getting dressed enough to get downstairs! For some it may be a robe thrown over pjs, for others (like me) it may include tights, wig grip under a properly placed snood, a shell and a top that fits and isn't milk-stained etc. It takes time for a new mom to get into all that if she's lying in bed with a nursing bra and leggings thx to postpartum overheating! I'd be so pressured!
In saying that, I hugely appreciated all the meals received from friends whose lives are as or more busy than my own, and made sure to thank each one! If we ate it all or not made no difference in my mind.