The imperfect chessed thread. The other side off the story

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:12 am

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

Seriously, who wants to eat chicken legs and potatoes for 2 weeks straight because everyone can't be bothered to make more than basic?
Who even makes that these days? There are so many other easy options.
I make chicken legs MAX twice a month and nobody eats it.
If I am going to have to go out and buy something for my family anyways then thanks but no thanks.
If you make something decent and delicious at least you know they will definitely eat it.
If you can't prepare something decent- don't join a meal train.

Well. The mealtrain form asks people to write what they will be making. When the link makes its way to me, I look and see what other people wrote and if it's all chicken and potatos, I make something different. I think I listed three options in my posts; a chicken, a dairy, and a pareve. And yes I change it up, this is over simplified. But unless I’m making a full shabbos, I make simple and delicious, as does everyone else where I live. Every community is different and every family has different tastes. If you are on the receiving end of a mealtrain and your kids won't touch chicken and potatos, write in the instructions not to make it. It's not a big deal.

I take issue with the way people are putting down the things others make as indecent. If you want to spend the day cooking, literally, and send 5 courses, have fun and do it. If that's the norm where you live, go for it. If it's not the norm, you do what is. If the norm is to spend all day cooking and sending huge meals, and this is not something you can do, I am sure there are other ways to give back to the community.

Some communities take on this task as pampering. Others take this on as simply providing dinner. Both are wonderful and valid. I personally can not imagine receiving massive meals every night, with enough for lunch the next day, which means having two heavy, full, fleishig meals every day. For me, that's a nightmare. For others, it's gan eden. To each their own.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, May 19 2022, 5:29 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tangerine

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:13 am

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

Am I the only one post partum in takes showers and gets dressed so I feel normal? I feel people are so selfish and self centered

People have different births and so feel different ways afterward. If someone hemorrhaged or had a c-section, or had their 7th baby and has terrible afterpains, getting dressed and showered might not help them feel better. Even for less complicated births, people have different ways of making themselves ‘feel normal’. Don’t be so judgy. I feel terrible after my births. There have been a bunch of them at this point. People who make comments like you did are the ones who make others feel bad for not being as on top of things after birth.

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:14 am

amother [ Skyblue ] wrote:

She's exactly the person who needs a meal train.

When someone in our town was going through a very difficult illness, we put a large cooler on her front porch. People dropped off meals when they could, and someone in the family took in the food when it was convenient. This is a very useful option when possible.

Being able to open the door is a requirement for getting a meal train, sorry.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:15 am

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

Am I the only one post partum in takes showers and gets dressed so I feel normal? I feel people are so selfish and self centered

Self centered for not yet showering and dressing in outdoor standards the first week after a birth?
I hope you have never had bad hemorrhoids or excruciating stitches or a painful recovery from a c-section. Believe me, as soon as I am able, I do. And go back to carpool with my little ones in tow and making healthy-ish meals and shop. And full time work, and making meals for other new moms, complete with delivery to their door as close to the desired time as possible, unless an emergency greater than an inconvenience comes up.

Is selfish really the word you wanted to use?

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:15 am

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

Why does everyone keep exaggerating what that OP had to do? People keep talking about walking down the stairs, post C-section (OP never said anything about having one), walking down the block...

She had to take an elevator to the bottom of her building.

I think everyone is blowing that story way out of proportion.

The poor lady who spent all day preparing a meal for someone, she doesn't realize she did something so terrible that it blew up the internet.

On this, I was one of the first people to post, before OP gave more details about her situation. I was thinking about myself in her shoes, which meant post c-section and lots (like, a LOT) of stairs, and by myself with a newborn. I would not have been able to do it had I been alone. Seeing as that is the case, when I bring food, I imagine myself as the recipient and bring someone with me so I can leave the car and bring the food to the door.

Later, she added details which may have changed my initial reply and I'm sure others also. I don't know.

amother

Yarrow

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:23 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

I did it all I had lots of testing, I had C-section I have afterbirths I have 7 kids. Please and my friend have all types of births and I don’t know anyone who can’t go get a package.

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:25 am

amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:

Being able to open the door is a requirement for getting a meal train, sorry.

I don't know about this. I've intentionally left food outside apartment doors (indoors) and also outside actual houses before. If I text that I'm coming, and it's during their window which they specified, and no one comes to the door in a minute or two of me knocking, or if I know the new mom is finally sleeping, I'll leave it there for her. I'll be blunt here - remember those first few bathroom trips (bm) after birth? Can't you imagine yourself in that situation? Alone, you have to go the bathroom, you put the baby down and that is the moment the door knocks? A bit of imagination and you can be more empathetic to a mom who can not get the door.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, May 19 2022, 6:59 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lightpink

Thu, May 19 2022, 5:28 am

Good thing when my babies were born all my kids were little! Now they are teens and they are impossibly picky. I doubt they would eat anyones food unless it was gourmet. The truth is, food delivered from a meal train was helpful to me because this way my husband had something to eat! He will not prepare anything for himself so this was very helpful.
One neighbor once sent over Syrian spiced meatballs. We weren’t used to that flavor at all. My husband ate it and then went out and bought pizza for everyone else. I still called my neighbor and thanked her. She was trying to be nice and went out of her way to cook and deliver food for us.

amother

Calendula

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:26 am

Reality wrote:

I resent posters who said anyone who thinks chicken and potatoes is inadequate is entitled. Most people who send that are NOT sending an adequate amount of food. They are sending a skimpy meal. Watergirl is an exception because she sends a huge quantity. But the people I know who send that are the type to send less pieces of chicken than the amount of people in the family. Like they'll calculate little kids get half a piece only etc.

For most of my kids I didn't sign up to receive meal trains. I had no problem cooking after giving birth. In fact, many of my births I went to my parents and cooked for them too after the first few days! My Mom works full time and she loved coming home and having supper ready!

Like I said, when I was able, I happily send meals in a way that makes the receiver feel good. Isn't that the point of doing chesed? The point isn't to make me feel good. Yay me I checked off another chesed. The point is to be giving and make someone else feel good!

So your issue is the amount and are just assuming someone who sends chicken and potatoes are sending too little. (FYI if I send chicken thighs and legs I do send more than the number of people.)
You said that if it is a lot then it is ok. Most people give based on what they know- their 3 year old wont even eat 2 bites so a whole leg for them is way more than enough. Or your 6 year old eats like their teenager. How are they supposed to know? Should they send a dozen extra pieces just in case your family eats more?!? Either way- the issue you have is amount. Which could be an issue no matter what was sent. (What? 1 tray of ziti plus salad is not enough for a family of X number eaters...)

Just to be clear-The other poster was upset about getting chicken and potatoes. I would love to get that! Sending that isnt saying "I just want to check off a daily mitzvah"" - it is a meal many would want as per other posters too. And shows someone cared enough to buy ingredients, make a dinner, deliver it...
People who receive shouldnt have high standards and expectations as to what makes them "feel good".

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:39 am

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

I did it all I had lots of testing, I had C-section I have afterbirths I have 7 kids. Please and my friend have all types of births and I don’t know anyone who can’t go get a package.

Wow I have no words. This is absurd. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume there is some social issues here and you just lack empathy or something.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:42 am

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

Am I the only one post partum in takes showers and gets dressed so I feel normal? I feel people are so selfish and self centered

So weird because I could have sworn your comment is the most self centered post here. Do you know what selfish and self centered mean? Because a postpartum woman not getting dressed according to your standards is not it. And yikes I’m trying to imagine someone like you in real life and I had no idea such people existed.

amother

Outerspace

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:44 am

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

Wow I have no words. This is absurd. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume there is some social issues here and you just lack empathy or something.

Really? A week after a birth you know of people who can’t go and open a door? It’s an entire week. Not one day post c-section. (And in most cases, the mom is in the hospital for 5 days after the c section.)

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:57 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

Just on this - many years ago this was true. I've had three c-sections between 2003-2013 and for the first, I was in the hospital for 2 nights post, my second, I was also there for 2 nights, and the last one, I left (my choice) after 1 night, otherwise I would have been there for 2 as well. That's all most insurance will cover if there are no other issues.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 6:58 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

Yes I do and I’m shocked you don’t. Do people just not care enough to find out what life is like for others? Are there really this many people who live in bubbles and assume if they don’t have it hard no one does? I’m so shocked and saddened by how many people don’t care to understand or know about others.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:07 am

I didn't want to be the one to say it, in fact I started a post three times and canceled it because it didn't sound nice.
The amount of food is a real issue. I'm grateful for whatever people send but I rely on the meals for my kids for dinner that night. We received such wonderful meals recently and I could tell how hard people worked to cook and deliver them. But when my friend who has 11 children brought dinner for us one night, I knew there would finally be enough, and I was right.
For example, 10 chicken thighs is not enough for 10 people. Maybe for some families it is, I don't know. And I'm not complaining- whatever it is we'll eat it. Chicken legs, rice every night, no problem. But I hate to hear the inevitable "I'm hungry" an hour after dinner.
Also, postpartum I am living in a fog. I don't hear right, I say things I don't know what I'm saying, and I'm definitely not leaving my house. Mentally I'm not capable. I can't remember where my shoes are, I don't look in the mirror, even if I get dressed (tshirt, maxi skirt, socks, tichel). If you ask me to get dinner from your car I'll say ok and think no, so I won't be coming. It's just the way it is for about 5-6 weeks. I wasn't like this after my first few were born, eventually recoveries became more complicated.

amother

Gladiolus

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:09 am

watergirl wrote:

Ok is this hyperbole? Hours and slaving away? I wonder what I'm doing wrong because when I make a weeknight meal for a new mom, it takes about 15 minutes tops.

Cut up an onion, throw on the bottom of the pan - 1 minute.
Open package of chicken legs, put on top on chicken - 1 minute.
Top with spices - 2 minutes maybe.
Cover with foil and put in the oven - 30 seconds.

Cut up potatos, season and a bit of oil, throw on cookie sheet - 5 minutes.

It cooks while I do other things. Maybe I'll also send a salad, which takes:
open bag of salad, throw in a tin - 20 seconds.
cut cucumbers and tomatos, throw in tin - 2 minutes.

Cover and drive over depends but no more than 15 minutes.

There is no reason to make more, no reason to send more. If I do dairy, it's baked ziti and roasted vegetables which takes the same amount of time. If I send pareve, it's falafel which takes even less time.

This is totally OT but the person who posted that it takes hours could be me.

Where I live there is no fresh chicken. So I have to remember to remove it from the freezer and defrost.

Then, the chicken that you get here is so full of pinfeathers that you can barely see the skin. So it has to be cleaned. It takes me almost five minutes per quarter. Yes, I can remove the skin but then I can't bake plain spiced chicken or it will be dry and tasteless. I have to make some sort of sauce. Most people I know don't appreciate duck sauce chicken, so it can't be something like that out of a jar.

Also, I must be a really slow worker because it takes me longer than a minute to cut up an onion and throw it in a pan.

I can't open a bag of salad because we don't get prechecked here. So I can't just send a simple salad. I have to think of some other vegetable and cooking it takes longer than three seconds.

And so on.

Sesame

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:11 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

Um yes. There certainly are. Bh you and your friend recover easily, but not everyone does. I think you’re not being serious that you can’t fathom the concept that some cannot get up. Seriously? It’s that hard to imagine some women aren’t sufficiently recovered by a bris/within a week?

amother

Dimgray

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:14 am

If someone can't get out of bed, how are they adequately caring for their baby? For safety reasons, they should have another adult around.
Honestly with each new page on this thread, I am coming down more and more strongly on the side of abolishing meal trains. Whether it makes people resentful that the food isn't good enough or in large enough amounts or what have you.
If everyone knew there'd be no meal train, they'd make other plans and work things out somehow. And no anger, resentment, or hurt feelings.