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The imperfect chessed thread. The other side off the story
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amother




Leaf
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 9:51 am
I didn't read the whole thread so Im sorry I repeat what others have said. Op you did a real chesed, had you known on advance you would have done it more perfect. I'm sure the mother is desperate and you were exactly what she needed a trusted worthy neighbor to accept her kid and you were available. maybe she didn't want you knowing her due date. maybe she thought she would tell you closer to her due date and she went into laber early. maybe she has low confidence,sht she was hoping you would be available but knows you have a busy life and she had a plan b if it wouldn't work out but you were the best option. The problem with making ladies suppers at birth is that its not always a chesed and no ones a bray for expecting perfection. Think of it this way are you making suppers because you "think" its the right thing to do or because this is what the lady needs. Not everyone can resipacate they don't have enough money to make suppers but they can provide babysitting. or maybe. rich lady just had a baby her live in just retired and she would be happy to use your cleaning help. maybe you want to make suppers, have the money for it, but not the timr. Your friend made suppers for you when you had a baby. so you feel a pressure to make supper back so you go all out of your way to impress because your kids usually eat frozen dinners . but you make her a balanced nutrition meal. but her kids are picky they wont eat the meal you prepared. shr eould have loved a gift card to the one expensive takeout that the kids like because even though shes not poor that take out is a treat and new babies wre expensive! Its crazy you are both resentful. comunicate do real chesed.l!
COMMUNICATE-What do THEY really need
NON VERBAL COMUNICATION. What do THEY really really need-some too shy to voice real opinion
-LOOK out for real opportunities to help others.
Example the first few weeks eveyone want to help the kimpiture mother and then she becomes not so special anymore. her baby is almost 4 months here toddler is finally done being clingy but he still is difficult and then at almost 4 months post baby she is ready she for a break from her toddler.hes ready for playdates
when the other person feels like you are doing a real favor and you make a mistake she will realize it's a mistake. but if in her head she thinks what did I neeed this for I don't need her food and on top of that I have to walk down a flight of steps to get it!then comes the resentment!
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amother




Lightblue
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 2:04 pm
amother wrote:
If we ate it all or not made no difference in my mind.


So this is another pet peeve of mine.

Is it fair for people to take suppers if they know they won't eat most of it?

I know someone who recently got meals (for two adults), both really picky eaters, and most of it either went to waste or they offered to siblings if they wanted it.

But, if you know that you're so fussy, I don't think it's right to accept at all, unless you make very clear your requirements.

Is it fair to make people slave away for nothing??

(If the adults eat it, but the kids are fussy or whatever, I understand - the postpartum mom still needs a nutritious meal. But, if two grown adults are getting meals, and they know they are extremely picky, how can they make others work so hard for nothing is beyond me.)
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amother




Calendula
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 3:27 pm
Reality wrote:
Yes my main issue is the amount. As I have said many times on this thread, in my experience, people who throw together the least possible food are usually the ones who also don't give enough. It just goes together.

We eat chicken legs and potatoes in my house all the time. But unless a catastrophe happens, there's also a vegetable. It seems like some communities expect the new Mom's to flesh out the meal. I never had that experience. Where I have lived you were supposed to send a complete meal.

Back to the amount of pieces of chicken. The norm in my community is send a piece of chicken per person plus throw in 1-2 pieces extra to be on the safe side. It is considered chintzy to give less. You are not supposed to start making calculations about other people's appetites. If a person can't afford than send the exact amount. But to send less is rude. There is nothing worse than thinking you have food to feed your family and then you don't have enough to go around!

I do agree that one should be happy with what they receive. But if I'm the giver I should also try to make the receiver happy.


But here is the disconnect. Sending chicken and potatoes is not a "least possible food".
It isnt a large variety but it is a full meal. And doesnt have to have any relationship to amount sent. I had someone send me once fancy food but tiny portions.
So again--- your issue is not enough food rather than WHAT food. You assume if there is minimal options there will be minimal food. And that isnt necessarily the case.
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amother




Heather
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 3:45 pm
amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:
So this is another pet peeve of mine.

Is it fair for people to take suppers if they know they won't eat most of it?

I know someone who recently got meals (for two adults), both really picky eaters, and most of it either went to waste or they offered to siblings if they wanted it.

But, if you know that you're so fussy, I don't think it's right to accept at all, unless you make very clear your requirements.

Is it fair to make people slave away for nothing??

(If the adults eat it, but the kids are fussy or whatever, I understand - the postpartum mom still needs a nutritious meal. But, if two grown adults are getting meals, and they know they are extremely picky, how can they make others work so hard for nothing is beyond me.)


Fussy eaters is one of the reasons why I don't like to take suppers. My kids will eat my food how I make it and will often not want to eat someone elses. I remember one meal years ago where someone sent shnitzel with yellow rice. My kids were horrified at the yellow rice and wouldn't touch it.
I personally enjoy different foods, but the point of the meal train is so I don't have to worry about what my kids are eating. If my kids are likely to refuse to eat the food, then what's the point? Why should someone go out of their way to make food for us, unless we know it will be eaten.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 3:48 pm
amother [ Heather ] wrote:
Fussy eaters is one of the reasons why I don't like to take suppers. My kids will eat my food how I make it and will often not want to eat someone elses. I remember one meal years ago where someone sent shnitzel with yellow rice. My kids were horrified at the yellow rice and wouldn't touch it.
I personally enjoy different foods, but the point of the meal train is so I don't have to worry about what my kids are eating. If my kids are likely to refuse to eat the food, then what's the point? Why should someone go out of their way to make food for us, unless we know it will be eaten.


The point is whatever you want it to be. It can be to have food for you and your husbands and you can heat pizza bagels in the toaster for them. I have many friends who do this
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JenniferK




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 9:25 pm
I posted on a different thread about chicken legs, I wouldn’t touch it even if you paid me and haven’t touched it in years. I simply don’t like it.

Having said that, I prepare it once a week for dh and kids and they love it from the chicken soup on shabbos.

If I would get chicken legs and potatoes after a baby I would be ever so grateful. I would nosh on the potatoes and I would be So happy to see hardworking dh come home to a hot, filling meal and to see the kids being nourished. Dh would eat and run out to grab me something or throw something together for me.

If someone would send something nice I would be the same grateful for the pampering. But no expectations.

Eta I live in a community where fancy meals are the norm. I have never joined one because I’m overwhelmed and don’t have the energy to give of myself yet. I love the kitchen and can sometimes cook up fancy meals for my family and sometimes offer cereal or noodle soup. Point is, I know what delectable meals look and taste like but wouldn’t be picky if I’m on the receiving end. Maybe I would make ahead things in the freezer I would like.
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 11:59 pm
This is a hysterical thread!
I liked OP's opening post, and was really looking forward to hearing some people's stories of them trying to do someone a favour, and it not turning out 100% right.
(I posted 2 of mine a few pages back)


I guess there are post-birth mothers who cannot get out of bed/ answer the door/ put on slippers for a few weeks after birth - they should not mind receiving whatever is made for them.

And then there are those who are relatively capable of getting up and walking around for about 10 mins at a time - they can boil up some pasta and open a can of tuna for their family or stick some fishsticks in the oven - or instruct their husband or teenage kid to do so.

So what is the BIG deal here???
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amother




Snowdrop
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 12:25 am
keym wrote:
I honestly have a hard time believing that you/your family would stay hungry from my chicken, rice, string bean and bag of baby carrots supper. Seriously.
No matter which community you're in.
As long as I make sure to send plenty.
Which is 1 quarter per person (even the toddler) + another 2 for good measure.

So you’re sending more than a one pan meal. A protein starch and veggie is a full meal. Just chicken and potatoes is not. Although a soup would be nice but I can hear that it’s not a must
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