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My child is becoming mean to me

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:14 pm
I never knew parenting could be so heartbreaking. I have a great relationship with my kid. He is almost 13 and lately just really mean to me, telling me to shut up and get away from him, every time "I stress him out". I am feeling used. I am getting hadracha and was told to give it time and eventually he will come around but it just hurts so much.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:17 pm
That is so painful.

Is anyone alienating DS from you? Your Husband? DS' friend?

Also, how is DS relationship with your husband?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I never knew parenting could be so heartbreaking. I have a great relationship with my kid. He is almost 13 and lately just really mean to me, telling me to shut up and get away from him, every time "I stress him out". I am feeling used. I am getting hadracha and was told to give it time and eventually he will come around but it just hurts so much.


A child is not allowed to say "shut up!" to a parent!

Someone should tell your child that saying "shut up!" to a parent is a HUGE Aveirah!

(not allowed to say "shut up" to others either - very rude).
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:44 pm
I know this is easier said than done, but try to separate your child's behavior from your feelings. He's not doing it to hurt you, he's doing it because of what's going on inside of himself. He's not mean, he's not spiteful, he's growing into teenagehood. He needs firm boundaries and a lot of love. You should not tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully but not from a place of hurt, rather from the place of he needs to know that he can't speak that way. It's about him, not about you.
The greatest analogy I've heard is when you get buckled into a roller coaster and that bar comes down, you push on it to make sure it's secure. When you push, you don't want it to move, you want it to stay there and keep you safe. Your son is pushing on you, you are his bar of safety, he doesn't want you to back off, he wants to make sure you're secure there keeping him safe.
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amother




Mayflower
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:46 pm
amother [ Bergamot ] wrote:

The greatest analogy I've heard is when you get buckled into a roller coaster and that bar comes down, you push on it to make sure it's secure. When you push, you don't want it to move, you want it to stay there and keep you safe. Your son is pushing on you, you are his bar of safety, he doesn't want you to back off, he wants to make sure you're secure there keeping him safe.

Wow!!!
Thank you for this!
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amother




Brunette
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 9:51 pm
Is your husband in the picture? Can he sit your son down and have an open talk about what's bothering him and why he's being so mean to you? It might turn out to be something unrelated that he's angry or upset or afraid about and is expressing it this way.
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amother




Stone
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 10:27 pm
How does your husband treat and speak to you?
Is this a learned behavior?
If it is, it needs to be as topped on all accounts right now.
If it is not, you need to tell him it is not OK AND DH separately (pretending you haven’t spoken about it at all) needs to tell him this is not ok.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 10:32 pm
It's tough being a teen. They suddenly have all these hormones and feelings that are overwhelming. Sounds like he's just not coping. What is he responding to? What was the conversation that he reacted to?
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Wed, May 18 2022, 11:00 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
A child is not allowed to say "shut up!" to a parent!

Someone should tell your child that saying "shut up!" to a parent is a HUGE Aveirah!

(not allowed to say "shut up" to others either - very rude).

I don’t think you realize that just because he’s not allowed doesn’t mean he’s going to stop doing it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 5:19 am
Any kind of conversation stresses him out. So I can't really address this.

Yesterday he was hogging a certain toy and I told him he needed to share it with a sibling so he told me that he had a really hard day and was looking forward to this and I'm ruining his life. I told him I that I just want him to share it for a few minutes. He got really nasty saying really aweful things to me. I honestly do not remember any of it now. I was about to start crying. It's not that he didn't share it. He did but he was threatening me and this kid all sorts of things. Then when I tried to respond he said "shut up" he also told me to get away from him etc..
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Oldest




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 8:19 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Any kind of conversation stresses him out. So I can't really address this.

Yesterday he was hogging a certain toy and I told him he needed to share it with a sibling so he told me that he had a really hard day and was looking forward to this and I'm ruining his life. I told him I that I just want him to share it for a few minutes. He got really nasty saying really aweful things to me. I honestly do not remember any of it now. I was about to start crying. It's not that he didn't share it. He did but he was threatening me and this kid all sorts of things. Then when I tried to respond he said "shut up" he also told me to get away from him etc..


Op, I wonder if in a situation like that if you can look him square in the eyes and say very firmly and calmly, "I understand that you're upset and that you had a hard day, but you cannot talk to me like that. I am here for you if you want to discuss it, or if you need some space then just tell me calmly, but you cannot talk to me like that" and walk away. Maybe add in something like, a few more minures with the toy and then the next person's turn?
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 1:50 pm
Oldest wrote:
Op, I wonder if in a situation like that if you can look him square in the eyes and say very firmly and calmly, "I understand that you're upset and that you had a hard day, but you cannot talk to me like that. I am here for you if you want to discuss it, or if you need some space then just tell me calmly, but you cannot talk to me like that" and walk away. Maybe add in something like, a few more minures with the toy and then the next person's turn?


As m talking to him he's yelling at me to shut up and be quiet.
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Shmoozinator




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, May 22 2022, 4:50 pm
I think it would be beneficial to you to speak to a therapist about learning to stand up for yourself and set appropriate boundaries as a parent. This behavior is inappropriate and needs to be delt with ASAP. It often only gets worse, and you don't want him losing all respect for you and thinking he can walk all over you.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Sun, May 22 2022, 5:05 pm
Go spend quality time with him. Spend a day just the 2 of you. It’s done wonders for my family when I do this. Changes the whole dynamic.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Sun, May 22 2022, 5:13 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
A child is not allowed to say "shut up!" to a parent!

Someone should tell your child that saying "shut up!" to a parent is a HUGE Aveirah!

(not allowed to say "shut up" to others either - very rude).

Bubbela, I hope you are the best bubby and happily finished raising your own brood with that attitude. But unfortunately for many, your mindset backfires.
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