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What to do if the dress is….not their speed
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:46 am
Why are young girls wearing black in August? Isn't it a bit severe?
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amother




Oleander
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:46 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They all think it’s beautiful….I forgot to add, this is a super yeshivish family, we are the only ones who are not.


This is for the young kids? Way to mature for them. The young kid should be wearing something cute and fun (and pretty). I totally get your daughter. Who wants to be walking around in a such a serious dress at this young age?

If she would be a younger kid, I perhaps would get over myself and persuade the kid to wear it just to make the family happy. Younger kids can easily be swayed and bribed, and they'll enjoy the wedding just the same. But I feel that a 12 year old - who is already speaking her mind here - won't enjoy the wedding as much. She'll feel self conscious and down about it and won't feel like she looks her best. If that's true about your daughter, then I'd try to work something out. I'd try to blend in with the color (unfortunately it's black), but I'd pick something young and fun for her. She's already at the tail end of the group age anyways, so its not the end of the world if she opts out of the younger group.

If someone is upset about this, it's just too bad. Kids are not there just to be props and look pretty for pictures. They're there to enjoy themselves as well and have a grand time. Let them have it. If it means so much to the aunts that everyone look the same, then they should choose a dress that everyone agrees with.
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amother




Oleander
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:50 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No one cares per se, it’s just a nice/cute thing. They matched all the girls for my wedding (although they were much younger then- probably the oldest was about 8 or 9) and again for my sister in laws wedding, the next one after mine maybe 5-7 years later. They didn’t match for the oldest niece, not sure why they’re matching now. My daughter is happy to go along with the matching, she just wishes it was a different dress. I won’t say anything, because I know everyone else thinks it’s beautiful. I’m thinking maybe to buy her a pretty necklace….


Why won't you say something, on your daughter's behalf? Your daughter can't speak up for herself here, so she needs you to do it. You don't need to take the angle that the dress is ugly. You can take the summer angle, that wearing such black dresses is a bit out of place for a summer wedding. Or you can take a different angle that it's a severe and mature style, let the kids look cute and sweet in age appropriate attire rather than miniature adult clothing.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:52 am
What a disastrous looking dress.

Could you perhaps color-match her? Not that black in the summer is my thing, but could you find a different but nicer black dress for her to wear? Maybe with a little gold or silver, something to make it look cheerful?
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DrMom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:54 am
Is the wedding taking place in 1883?

Maybe she can come in a white powdered wig, lace-up granny boots, a white powdered wig, and makeup that makes her look like she is in a black & white photograph
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:56 am
Ughhhhh so ugly.

And children don’t belong in black.

And weddings.

And summer.

And little girls.

None of this is cool.

What’s wrong with lavender and pink and baby blue?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:58 am
zigi wrote:
Get a bonnet with thin lace, lol

Or a black see through vail
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mommyX2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 6:59 am
Now I want to see the actual dress. Can someone post instructions on how she can load it Smile
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:00 am
amother [ Oleander ] wrote:
This is for the young kids? Way to mature for them. The young kid should be wearing something cute and fun (and pretty). I totally get your daughter. Who wants to be walking around in a such a serious dress at this young age?

If she would be a younger kid, I perhaps would get over myself and persuade the kid to wear it just to make the family happy. Younger kids can easily be swayed and bribed, and they'll enjoy the wedding just the same. But I feel that a 12 year old - who is already speaking her mind here - won't enjoy the wedding as much. She'll feel self conscious and down about it and won't feel like she looks her best. If that's true about your daughter, then I'd try to work something out. I'd try to blend in with the color (unfortunately it's black), but I'd pick something young and fun for her. She's already at the tail end of the group age anyways, so its not the end of the world if she opts out of the younger group.

If someone is upset about this, it's just too bad. Kids are not there just to be props and look pretty for pictures. They're there to enjoy themselves as well and have a grand time. Let them have it. If it means so much to the aunts that everyone look the same, then they should choose a dress that everyone agrees with.

The oldest ones are 12/13 not sure how old the youngest ones are.
She will be ok, she will be with her cousins, who will all be wearing the same thing, so as much as she won’t like it, at least she won’t be alone (even if they all like it.) For all I know, this is coming from the kallah herself, and she approved the gown. I can totally see her loving this.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:01 am
It could be the basis of a great costume next Purim...
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amother




Amaryllis
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:01 am
I am an ''Old Bubbie'' and don't know style, But the dress was awful. It looks like something you wore to a funeral 200 years ago. I hope your daughter can find something lovely for the Simcha.
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amother




Pearl
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:03 am
My daughters recently wore a similar style dress to a simcha, they looked beautiful and was such a vintage charming look. Just to reassure you.
Maybe you can play around with the neckline/ collar or embellishments or sleeves so that the dress looks similar but not identical.
Also if you voice your opinion, maybe they will be willing to change the dress; if they don’t know you don’t like it, they can’t come up with a solution.
It’s all in the attitude and perspective and I see you have a positive one so whatever she wears I am sure she will look beautiful and have a great time.
Mazel tov!
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amother




DarkRed
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:03 am
My sister recently got married, and all the girls 10 and under wore the same (pretty, sequiny, big skirt) dress. We have one niece who is 14, and she wore same colour as all the nieces, but chose her own gown. She's a big girl with a different body shape and her own opinions and self conciousness, and doesn't need to match the little ones exactly. Maybe suggest to your family that post bat mitzva the girls should match the colour scheme but choose something that suits them and they feel good in.

Last edited by amother on Tue, May 24 2022, 7:04 am; edited 2 times in total
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Iyh my niece is getting married at the end of the summer. One of my sisters in law decided that all the girls who are 12/13 or younger should get matching dresses. No problem, I’m all for it. The problem is the one they picked looks like a Victorian mourning dress. My 12 year old doesn’t like it at all, but doesn’t want to be the only one not matching. How can I make her feel better about wearing it?

GRACEART Women Victorian Rococo Dress Renaissance Ball Gown Costumes (Dress & Hoop skirt) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0.....psc=1

It’s similar to this, but there’s no corset waist, the neck is lower, and the sleeves are not lined.

Can she has the bottom made into a skirt and do her own thing for the top?
Otherwise she can get another dress in the same color and still look part of the wedding party.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:04 am
amother [ Oleander ] wrote:
Why won't you say something, on your daughter's behalf? Your daughter can't speak up for herself here, so she needs you to do it. You don't need to take the angle that the dress is ugly. You can take the summer angle, that wearing such black dresses is a bit out of place for a summer wedding. Or you can take a different angle that it's a severe and mature style, let the kids look cute and sweet in age appropriate attire rather than miniature adult clothing.

We talked about it, and she doesn’t want me to say anything. She said “it’s just for a few hours, one night. And everyone else will be wearing it too.”
I sent one of my SILs a message this morning asking if there is a lighter color option, we’ll see what happens. My husband and I got married right after shavuos, and all the kids wore light pink gowns.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:06 am
Elfrida wrote:
It could be the basis of a great costume next Purim...

Oh, we could all be Victorian!!! My little one wanted to do “5little monkeys” (because she is a monkey) but we can totally go Victorian!!
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:07 am
ra_mom wrote:
Can she has the bottom made into a skirt and do her own thing for the top?
Otherwise she can get another dress in the same color and still look part of the wedding party.

She doesn’t want to do something different, she doesn’t want to stand out. It’s a gown from a Gemach, so I’m guessing I can’t really make a major alteration like that. Also like I said, if she does something different, family members WILL say something, not just to me but also to her. (Totally not appropriate, but they will)
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:08 am
amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:
My sister recently got married, and all the girls 10 and under wore the same (pretty, sequiny, big skirt) dress. We have one niece who is 14, and she wore same colour as all the nieces, but chose her own gown. She's a big girl with a different body shape and her own opinions and self conciousness, and doesn't need to match the little ones exactly. Maybe suggest to your family that post bat mitzva the girls should match the colour scheme but choose something that suits them and they feel good in.

That might be an idea, I’ll have to wait to see what my sister in law says about the color first.
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amother




Oleander
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:10 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The oldest ones are 12/13 not sure how old the youngest ones are.
She will be ok, she will be with her cousins, who will all be wearing the same thing, so as much as she won’t like it, at least she won’t be alone (even if they all like it.) For all I know, this is coming from the kallah herself, and she approved the gown. I can totally see her loving this.


The kallah doesn't get to dictate what everyone else wears to her wedding. Sorry. I don't get this mindset, and I'm chassidish. Everyone is entitled to look their best at a wedding, and no one needs to wear something that doesn't do them justice. A color theme is already more than enough to ask, at least the family choose the styles that suits them.
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Tue, May 24 2022, 7:10 am
OP, now that you have an idea of what they're planning, can you source something along the same lines for all the bridesmaids? Maybe in a softer color (navy? dark gray?), in a similar but less severe style that your DD would like?

If you present your concerns at the same time as a solution, you might be able to get them to go along with it!
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