Every day I am reminded that I have no idea what I’m doing

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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bigsis144

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:22 pm

Where did my 12 year old learn to talk like this? To talk to his mother like this??

DS9 said his classmate might stop by our house on Shabbos

DS12: “that a-hole isn’t allowed in our house”

Me: “that’s not your decision, DS12. And watch your language.”

DS12: “fine. That **** a-hole isn’t allowed in our house”

—

DS12 is diagnosed with autism, ADHD, anxiety and depression.

Getting him to take medication is a fight every. single. day. No incentive has been enough for him to even get us a consistent baseline to know if it’s working.

I’m a “control freak” and a “liar” when I enforce consequences, because the ideal version of reality (in which he gets everything he wants) in his head is all that counts. It feels like he’s trying to gaslight me when he tells me the “computer is broken” when he can’t sign into it. No, that was a privilege that was deliberately take away. But he’ll keep telling me that I “made a mistake”.

Probably gonna delete this, I just had to vent. Haven’t been on imamother in a while.

Demands to have him move out will make me feel worse. Don’t do it unless you have extremely specific guidance and experience.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Tue, May 24 2022, 10:29 pm; edited 3 times in total

amother

Banana

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:26 pm

He just had to hear it once. It lets off a lot of steam. I know. My son is similar age and recently called me the F word. I was told to look at long term and not short term and just do the next best thing.

Keep working at it. You're a real hero!!!

bigsis144

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:34 pm

DS12 yanked on his 3yo sister’s arm as he walked past her and I reminded him to be gentle, since he has dislocated her elbow in the past.

DS12: “Geez, it was just one time!!”

Me: “I know it wasn’t on purpose then, but I want to remind you that you are bigger and stronger than her and can hurt her by mistake if you’re not careful.”

DS12: “I don’t make mistakes. Dumb people just get in my way. And we have a house full of dumb people.”

—-

Like, what do I do with this???

flowerpower

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:42 pm

Can you hire a “dr” to come every day to give him his meds? Will he be more cooperative that way?

amother

Burlywood

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:47 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I have a child with pathological demand avoidance who gets like this any time I remind, suggest, correct, guide, point something out. It’s like they *have to* argue back, and they can’t handle any hint of criticism whatsoever. What I do to avoid falling into these ridiculous traps is just say what I want in as few words as possible and then ignore whatever comes out of their mouth.

I would address the behavior without getting lecturey. If you have a consequence you can administer, do that minus the lecture. If you don’t, I would just say “pulling your sisters arm is not at all okay” in a very stern voice, and then ignore everything else that comes out of his mouth. He heard you, whatever he’s saying is defensiveness because his brain is stuck in fight-flight and his sense of self is so poor.

Btw if you haven’t yet looked up pathological demand avoidance you might want to. It’s a subset of autism.

amother

Nemesia

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:48 pm

no advice. just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. this sounds so incredibly challenging Sad

amother

Apple

Tue, May 24 2022, 9:55 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Grr! We don’t hurt anyone. Ever.
Hugs! Challenging kids take over our lives.

amother

Lotus

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:24 am

Wow - my son is EXACTLY like this. Refuses meds, abuses siblings, cursing, same age.

Sorry to bump this up - I know this is from a week or so ago.

Nothing nothing works. Therapy, meds, tutors.

We just keep working on ourselves op. I accept that this is what hashem wants - I focus on my own reactions not his behavior. State a limit and walk away. We don't hurt.

I also found that enforcing consequences never ever ever works because you can't control his response - only your own.

I do go to therapy myself to talk it out and have a sounding board.

You are not alone and you are not a bad mom.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 8:37 am

This might sound weird but is there any adult he clicks with at all? I find that sometimes very challenging kids really need that one person who can be the adult but also not be the enemy. And having that person really helps their personal growth, even if the externals don't seem to be changing much.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:04 am

I’m so sorry OP. Your situation sounds exceptionally tough. I don’t have advice but I can relate to your title.
My struggles don’t compare to yours but with a couple of kids of all ages and stages with issues both large and small I often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
Do people have it together in their chinuch and feel confident in their approach every day?
I feel as a mom there are endless decisions to make daily and I never know if I did the right thing. Was I too stubborn, was I too lenient? Am I helicopter parent, are my kids too free? Do I make a fuss about this tznius/financial/friendship issue or turn a blind eye? I don’t feel like chinuch classes have the answers to the nitty gritty daily grind of chinuch. The nuances are too detailed in every family and with every child. Even with the same child on a different day.
Do others feel like they have a good idea of what they’re supposed to be doing and doing it right?

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:09 am

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

omg. I can so relate to your post.

OP- difficult children and just...so so so difficult..My heart goes out to you!!

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:15 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

omg. I can so relate to your post.

OP- difficult children and just...so so so difficult..My heart goes out to you!!

I did a spin off

amother

Chambray

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:26 am

OP your situation seems really tough. Do you have a professional guiding you, a psychiatrist?

bigsis144

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:28 am

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

OP your situation seems really tough. Do you have a professional guiding you, a psychiatrist?

😂

I’ve been at this since DS was 5.

I’ve been let go by so many child therapists because he was so resistant.

Being my child’s caseworker is essentially my career.

sequoia

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:22 am

It’s not demands, it’s more like not wanting your daughter to get murdered.

[Please respect op's request to comment only if you have specific guidance AND experience.
Thank you. - mod]

amother

Lotus

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 12:22 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

😂

I’ve been at this since DS was 5.

I’ve been let go by so many child therapists because he was so resistant.

Being my child’s caseworker is essentially my career.

Lol - I can very very much relate to this. If you know, you know.

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 2:39 am

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

This can be very true sometimes. My BIL is as OP and a few other posters have described, but has always respected my husband, and generally listens to him about things (although there have been times he's pushed him away, and my husband will give him his space til he figures himself out again)

amother

Buttercup

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 8:08 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Btw if you haven’t yet looked up pathological demand avoidance you might want to. It’s a subset of autism.

Wow! Thank you so much for this! I've just been researching now and I really think that my son has this. He doesn't have an official diagnosis yet, and although I've mentioned autism to his therapist, therapist completely dismissed me. But after reading about PDA it makes sense, because they don't necessarily fit the typical autism criteria. And also his behaviour is much!!! Worse at home. I feel so relieved to have found this diagnosis/description of what he could be struggling with. It really really seems to be the answer I've been searching for.

And to the OP, I'm sorry I have no good advice for you. All I can say is, only a parent with such a child will understand how challenging and difficult it is to cope with them. It's really hard!

amother

Oxfordblue

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 8:39 am

Hi, OP, my heart goes out to you. Your son is very challenging.
I have worked with many such kids in the school setting as an SLP. My #1 technique has always been: Ignore bad language. It's worked well for me. When the kids sees that the language, or chutzpa, doesn't get the slightest reaction, they won't have any more motivation to use it.
Now, the physical behavior is something you can't ignore because of your daughter's safety, but let your reaction be as low key as possible.
(This approach is well described in Sara Yaroslawitz's book about teens, but her book is geared towards typically developing teens, amd I also don't agree with some parts of her approach.)

amother

Powderblue

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 8:45 am

bigsis144 wrote:

I go through this on a daily basis too…mine has ADHD and ODD. His language is atrocious. He does things to lose privileges, and then blames everyone else for his inability to do things. It’s my fault he couldn’t study with his friend for a regent, but no mention of the fact that he wasn’t allowed to use my iPad because he changed the settings and was doing other things aside from studying. It’s our fault that he can’t go meet his friend, but no mention of the fact that he can’t ride his scooter because he was warned not to do it without a helmet and still did it anyway.
Incentives don’t work. Maybe for a few days, or a week, or even two at the most….

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