Teen forged my signature

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:30 pm

Discovered my daughter forged my signature on a test that she didn't do well on. I confronted her and she neither admitted or denied it.
Wwyd.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:31 pm

I wouldn't have confronted.
What was done was done.

Sometimes parents don't need to "see" everything.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:38 pm

I think the root issue here is that she didn't feel safe showing you the test and getting your signature on it.
What would be your typical reaction to the grade she got? Are you generally easygoing about these things?

amother

Cerulean

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:40 pm

I’ve done that too. Kids feel stupid when they get a bad grade. They feel even stupider when they have to show it to their parents who will make a big deal about it.
If it happened one time, I would let it slide.

amother

Nemesia

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:41 pm

Yes, what would have bothered me most is that my child would have felt the need to be dishonest so blatantly to avoid perceived consequences of a bad grade. Gotta unpack that.

amother

Wed, May 25 2022, 8:46 pm

amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:

Yes, what would have bothered me most is that my child would have felt the need to be dishonest so blatantly to avoid perceived consequences of a bad grade. Gotta unpack that.

Honestly yes I would have and did (before bringing up the signature) bring up that the grade was not ok in that topic and it was clear that she wasn't putting in enough effort - a topic that had already been discussed. There were many careless mistakes. I reward her for good grades, don't make a deal about mediocre grades, and express disappointment in bad grades especially if it wasn't a hard test or material.
But, and I said this to her, I am much more disappointed in a forged signature and her inability to admit to it.

amother

Zinnia

Wed, May 25 2022, 9:08 pm

Here's a plan. Reward for effort. Not results. Then you are emulating GD.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, May 25 2022, 9:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So you show disappointment in bad grades and even more disappointment in signature forging.
She'll just hide it better next time.

Grades aren't the be all end all.
You would have taught her better by keeping your disappointment to yourself.
No one WANTS to get bad grades.

BrisketBoss

Wed, May 25 2022, 9:29 pm

Yeah you're just heaping further discouragement onto your daughter OP. You think you're doing the right thing but you really are not improving her prospects at all. What would I do now? I would switch tacks. Forget about this and only make positive comments. Not like "Good job, you got an A" but like "I'm glad to see you're enjoying this subject" or "I can tell you really studied hard for this test."

Also maybe have friendly discussions and collaboratively figure out ways you could support her. Showing your disappointment does not encourage, motivate, or help. (So why do it?)

amother

Amber

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:03 pm

As someone with inattentive adhd, I can say people with adhd are often accused of being careless or lazy when their brains are simply not capable of meeting certain expectations. If your child is having difficulty with a subject, explore why. Are they having difficulty focusing and studying for it? Are they having difficulty with the subject itself?

I enjoy The Explosive Child which is helpful even if your kid doesn't have major behavioral issues. And if you suspect they may have inattentive adhd, please get them evaluated for that as well.

amother

Thistle

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:05 pm

Why was she so afraid to show you the test that she was willing to do something illegal and against Torah?

She's afraid to tell you things.

Red flag right there. Your relationship needs lots of work.

She was wrong and you can tell her that and she'll be afraid to do it again.

But one day she's going to grow up into an adult who doesn't share her life with you. Just sayin'. At this stage you can force her to share some things with you no matter how unsafe she feels it is. When she's an adult you won't be able to do that anymore.

amother

Thistle

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Only because you are comparing them side by side.

Your reaction to one was probably identical to your reaction to the other. Or at least, she sees it that way.

Fox

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm sorry, OP, but you've set up a system that incentivizes all kinds of bad behavior.

When I was a teacher, I could always identify the students who were being rewarded for grades. They cared nothing about learning -- even if they genuinely found the material interesting. It was all about the grade. Every quiz was a battle with these kids for an extra half-a-point. Every missed question on a test was a fight-to-the-death for an extra point. Those, btw, were often the same students who would deliberately avoid any course where a good grade might be harder to get. No advanced coursework for them! They were usually on the lookout for the easiest grades. Is that realy what you want?

Get out of the business of rewarding your DD for academic performance. Instead, work with her to find effective study habits -- there are tons of books with different approaches and types of advice for students to be more productive in their schoolwork. If necessary, find a good in-person coach to help her master the material. Send the message that productive studying and preparation are the goal -- not getting a specific grade in a class.

amother

Thistle

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:30 pm

amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:

Here's a plan. Reward for effort. Not results. Then you are emulating GD.

Since no one can know how much effort a child is putting in, I don't think this is a good plan.

I have a better plan. Reward for behavior and what kind of person she is. Not for anything to do with academics. Succeeding academically is its on intrinsic reward.

amother

White

Wed, May 25 2022, 10:33 pm

Is your daughter in HS? Ididn't know teachers still make kids sign tests at that age, In our OOT school it's rarely done.

amother

Bergamot

Thu, May 26 2022, 1:04 am

She did it because it's way easier than having to confront the problem. And it's easy to do.

I forged my parents signature every week on a stupid homework diary we were meant to get signed. I could never remember, they didn't particularly care about my homework, I always did it anyway - I couldn't understand why they were SOOO furious when they found out - like it was the same as using their signature to steal money or something. I didn't think it was a big deal, I imagine she didn't either - she just didn't want to have to disappoint you with the results.

salt

Thu, May 26 2022, 1:32 am

I always tell my kids, good middot are way more important than good grades.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, May 26 2022, 1:42 am

When a teacher called me to say she noticed dd forged my signature on her hmwk, I told the teacher to think about why dd felt the need to do that. If she had done her hmwk and the teacher could see that, why was she too scared to tell the teacher her mother forgot to sign? Dd was certainly not worried about ne seeing her hmwk.
She took the point and spoke to dd, telling her she won't get into trouble for no signature, but she will send the work home again until it is signed.

amother

Thu, May 26 2022, 5:23 am

Really no one here thinks good grades are important? If it makes a difference to the point, I went thru the test with her and she knew every answer, the problem - an ongoing problem - is that she is rushing through the test without putting in proper effort. No one here thinks it's important for her to put in the effort? It's not a subject she struggles with and she doesn't have learning disabilities. She is actually smart.

amother

Aqua

Thu, May 26 2022, 5:30 am

salt wrote:

I always tell my kids, good middot are way more important than good grades.

Not forging anyone's signature is part of that. I tell my kids I'd be much more upset if you did something like that than a bad grade.

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