There is soo much competition.....

miriamnechama

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:20 am

going on between both boys, but more by my eldest.

I give them both equal attention, and ok ds1 was an only child for 3 1/2 years, but every time eg ds2 gets something he doesn't stop complaining, even at something small.

eg ds2 gets a dinky car for hi b-day just recently and ds1 made such a fuss taht he didn't get.... but who made ds1 a nice big birthday party thatds2 didn't get??!! ds2 gets belated afikoman in the winter, a huge sefer torah.. suddenly ds1 says, succos I also need a big one but even bigger... etc.

ds1 gets everything he needs and even more, new clothes while ds2 gets his hand me downs,a new suit for pesach.. ds2 didn't, he goes to uman etc.. what more can he ask for... now he's ranting aboutr a bigger bike for his b'day.

it never ends.. 1, he can never say thank you for what he got.. and 2 I think he's trying to show himself off or by demanding huge things... I'm not sure what goes on in cheder.. but he is constantly complaining.. why ds2 goes for therapy and he didn't etc...

fil says that ds1 may be a talmid chacham but ds2 is more ruchani,and I see it.. he doesn't complain as much....

how can I get him to stop complaining, and be thankful for what he has??

any ideas??

shalhevet

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:08 am

First, I think a certain amount of jealousy is unavoidable.

Next, I believe that the LESS children get, the more grateful they are for what they have. Who enjoys a bag of chocolate milk more, the child who only gets on Rosh Chodesh, the one who has every morning, or the one who only gets on Purim? Don't give your children automatically everything they want. And once you've said "no" about something, stick to it, however much they kvetch.

Don't try and give equal attention or equal gifts etc. Here my kids know that each child gets what they need, and they accept it. Dd2's schoolbag had holes in it, so I bought her a new one. I never said 'it's because you got a new dress, or you went to a chug'. If someone would have said something (and after a while they stop saying it) I would have said - she needs it, and your bag is fine for another year. A got a gift because it was his birthday, and not yours. B got a new dress because she doesn't have anything to wear for yomtov, but your dress from last year is fine. C goes to therapy, because that's what the doctor/ teacher/ ganenet said he needs to go to and yours didn't.

Once you try and justify why X got because another time you got something else, there is no end to it. They will always discover that they got less. Guaranteed.

About the bike, sit down with your dh and decide whether you think your son needs a new bike, and whether you have the money. If you decide yes, then get it for him, and if you decide no then tell him you understand he very much wants this, but he doesn't need a new bike right now, and don't get into any further arguments. Just sympathy, but no more discussions.

miriamnechama

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:28 am

good points...

one I never giver them everything.... and they know they can't have what they want all teh time.

2.I don't usually givethem equal gifts, etc, but also I don't justify why one needs etc.... I'v etold him plenty times that one gets eg the theapy cus he needs it.. on the other hand if he so much wantedto go toa chug I let him.

the problem is taht he seems to forget all the good he got, and therefore continues to complain...even 2 minutes later.

eg, when dh once gave ds2 a small car ride and ds1 wasn't around he immedeately complained.. and dh had to say to him.. who come swith me to uman every year??? I thnk cus he gets too much. he just can't relate and say thank you. that's why also now with 3 chasunas coming up.. I said I'dtake him to one, but now I don'tfeel like it. same when I took ds2 with me to london a few years ago.. he suddenly didn't wantto go to uman... told him too bad tickets havebeen booked...oh and of course he kicked upa fuss why dh and I went to london ourselves last year for a weddingand he didn't come with!!!!

it's mainly the older one.... the younger one doesn't complain as much...

gryp

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:36 am

How old are they?

Rich Lavoy gives a funny example I'll always remember about the "It's not fair!" syndrome. He says, let's say there's a child in the class who passed out and needs CPR, are you going to give everyone in the class CPR just to be fair and equal?

If you put your foot down firmly enough it should stop all complaints.
1) Each child gets what he needs
2) Treats are treats. You don't want "special" to lose its meaning.

Do you thank Hashem out loud around your son for the things you yourself have? Try it with simple things your son can understand: "Thank you Hashem for _________" every so often, and see how he picks up on it.

Tamiri

Wed, May 14 2008, 10:40 am

My philosophy would say: give him NOTHING so he knows what it feels like, and then when he NEEDS things, give him. It will take a long time for the message to get across, and you have to be very strong, but it will hopefully teach him what it means to say "I got nothing" vs. "I got something but I also want what someone else has".

Ditto every word Shalhevet wrote. We need to remember that we don't owe our children anything: they owe us. It's a mistake to reason with them and explain every single thing we do because that puts us at a great disadvantage as if they are on our level.

Childen need food, love, clothing, chinuch and learning - anything extra is probably just that: extra. You can tell them that.

mumoo

Wed, May 14 2008, 3:35 pm

miriamnechama wrote:

I give them both equal attention, and ok ds1 was an only child for 3 1/2 years, but every time eg ds2 gets something he doesn't stop complaining, even at something small.

Impossible to give equal attention. Don't even try. Try not to rationalize using ds1's only-ness. Lots of first-borns get younger siblings. However, if you see this is an issue, maybe there is an undercurrent of he wants more attention.

And usually this wanting more attention is really wanting 'specialized' attention. Does ds1 get time alone with you or father? Can he be made to feel special in his oldest-ness? When children say they want things, often it's a smokescreen for what they really want- our affection and recognition.