I’m at a loss with my 5 year old

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 5:43 am

He was difficult from day 1.
First I blamed my parenting he’s my first, but I don’t anymore.
I have other children and they are as different as night and day.
I read explosive child, I tried unconditional parenting, I took him to OT for years. I went to a developmental pediatrician… my DH and I are losing it. We are overwhelmed with guilt because we end up snapping at him more then the others. We love him but we aren’t dealing with him correctly. I know something is wrong but I don’t know where to start. I don’t live in the US.

Typical day in his life:
Wake up at 5 am and demand to watch, bothers me every 15 mins for something else
745 try to get him dressed with much fights while he plays and bullies his siblings
820 wants 3 different breakfasts and doesn’t eat half of them
830 as we leave he sneaks more snacks and toys in his breakfast when he thinks I’m not looking
840 ok in the car for a change we listen to music then bye
415 a cloud of destruction enters the home in rage and anger. If dinner is not hot in front of him he kicks screams pulls punches smacks yells until he gets what he wants
Repeat repeat repeat. He’s only calm when I’m able to sit with him and play without distractions or disturbances which is hard with little kids.

Repeat until 7 bedtime which is given with 1/2 mg melatonin because otherwise he won’t sleep

Dh and I breathe a sigh of relief

830 get a text from his rebbe he can’t sit in class..,
1am he’s in my bed

I love him so much and I wish I can help him. I’m scared he will turn into an angry adult Sad

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, May 31 2022, 6:00 am

Can't write much now- my similar almost 8 year old is about to walk in. I noticed my ds does amazingly well when he has eaten a proper meal. That is very difficult to achieve because he is extremely picky. But when he has eaten, the difference is astounding! I give him way too many healthyish almost-meals to try to get nutrients into him. Does your son eat well? Do you notice a difference when he's not extra tired and/or hungry?

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 6:09 am

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

Definitely. That’s why he comes home the way he does. But I send him extra snacks and he gets a filling hot lunch in school.

Yesterday- ate 4 mini pizzas plus 2 rolls (yes I’m getting ready for Shavous and dinner is whatever I made that day for the chag.)
1 hour later a bowl of cereal
1 hour after that demanded pasta and I said enough

So I don’t not how hungry he really was the third time. Instead I offered to play a game with him which was ok but of course he scream in the middle and said mummy your cheating.

amother

Mintgreen

Tue, May 31 2022, 7:10 am

Have u actually had him evaluated for adhd?

singleagain

Tue, May 31 2022, 7:10 am

I have no personal experience. But someone in my support group has a child around 5, and that child has been "unofficially" diagnosed with a mood disorder. I say "unofficial" bc you can't really diagnose this mood disorder in a kid so young. It typically doesn't show until late teens. But it might still be worth exploring. I believe meds help the child.

amother

Gardenia

Tue, May 31 2022, 7:24 am

Pandas

amother

Wine

Tue, May 31 2022, 7:37 am

My son is similar and is 16. There are no easy fixes. School has been hard, very hard. Relationships are key. He needs lots of love and warmth and connection. Also physical - he needs loving touch (snuggles and such) more than my other kids. Firm boundaries/rules are essential and must be enforced without drama, just calm confidence. These kids need structure desperately.

We wanted a large family but didn’t end up having one because this child needed a LOT and we felt we needed to be there for him (we have other kids ka”h but had dreamed of a large family).

Of all my kids, he’s the one I’m closest to because we’ve been through so much together. (I’m BH close with all my kids but it’s a special bond born out of love and pain and fighting for this child no matter what.)

Davening and taking on kabalos has helped tremendously as well.

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, May 31 2022, 7:50 am

Maybe try another developmental pediatrician

amother

Papaya

Tue, May 31 2022, 10:47 am

Is there a chance he is being bullied by his peers or treated harshly by his teachers?

amother

Begonia

Tue, May 31 2022, 11:02 am

I think it would be a good idea to target specific behaviors that are within range of his abilities. For example, ask him to choose one breakfast and sit at the table and eat it- at a specific time each day. Then compliment him to the skies and give him a hug. I think he needs to feel successful at controlling his own behavior, and success breeds success.
Hopefully afterwards you can move on to other behaviors as well using the same method.
When he shows some improvement, try to focus on that and look away from misbehaving.

Zehava

Tue, May 31 2022, 11:12 am

He needs a neuropsychologist not a developmental pediatrician. Have him fully evaluated so you know what you’re dealing with. In the US we have government funding for behavioral issues maybe they have something similar where you live.

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 31 2022, 11:14 am

he sounds unhappy with himself...does he have friends...is he stimulated enough.?

I have an intense daughter. When she feels connected with me or busy with friends , feeling good about herself she is literally a different child, and of course food /sleep is essential.

When she feels disconnected from me , bored ...hungry..tired...she is a needy annoying child to be around.

mushkamothers

Tue, May 31 2022, 11:15 am

Zehava wrote:

This. A full evaluation and yes the pandas suggestion is not crazy either. There's something underlying here. It's not your parenting and behavior modification techniques won't solve your problems here.

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:08 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

Pandas

I see this here all the time. Who can diagnosis this and what treatment is there?

Also, note that I said he was always difficult. From day 1.

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:10 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Thank you so much. Sounds alike. Loves tight hugs and jumping in me, pulling my skirt up in public, is extremely sensory ect.

Yes, I would love more kids too but what can I do?? He takes a lot from us. It’s not fair to the others.

I’m working on boundaries. It’s so hard when he’s just screaming and he won’t stop even days later until he gets it.

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:11 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

Is there a chance he is being bullied by his peers or treated harshly by his teachers?

No. I’m in touch with them. Again, he always had these issues.

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:12 pm

Zehava wrote:

I live in the uk and I’m not going to bother fighting the NHS. I would go private but I have no idea where to start Sad

mushkamothers

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He may have unintegrated reflexes which presents as high sensory needs.
Handsonapproaches.com - they're via zoom. Maybe their site has resources

amother

Stone

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:28 pm

My Son was like this, eventually diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Having a path of how to set him up for success is really helpful.

amother

Salmon

Tue, May 31 2022, 12:40 pm

I have a son who is similar. Diet makes a difference. Lots of protein meals minimizes the behavior. We give him beef, eggs, salmon. Bread and sugar is not good for him. Also like u said, firm boundaries and structure. Same routine everyday.

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