Struggling with DD5 - Parenting Advise

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amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:38 am

I literally can't handle my child anymore. I am on the verge of crying every night/morning from my daughter.

My dd5 is extremely difficult..She makes a stink about everything, hard time to transition, rigid, hard time to listen to directions unless it's on her terms...She literally needs me all the time, she doesn't allow me to help any other kids if she wants to get dressed first or vice versa..she insists on me coming upstairs to get her if she wants to come downstairs (aka she needs to feel connected to me ALL the time, unless she is busy with friends or playing)

if something doesn't go her way or she had something else mind other than what I tell her, she literally doesn't let up ..
for example
I tell her we are wearing matching today...or I am finishing giving the younger kids baths and then I'll help dress her...or you are sleeping here today...or we are going home to use the bathroom not going back into school building... or we are eating A for supper..

She literally falls apart and cannot listen...

A war literally broke out in my house last night because I told her she can sleep in my room so the other kids can fall asleep without her non stop talking and keeping them up..my husband didnt let and my other daughter also wanted to sleep in my room. My husband told her that needs to go back to her bed because kids are not allowed in.. She literally went ballistic.

I want to know, do I need to be worried about spoiling her or there is no such thing as spoiling such a kind of kid that just needs non ending connection and do I need to drop helping out my other kids so I can help her when she needs me..

and do I make myself nuts to make sure she gets me when she asks for me...??

#BestBubby

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:42 am

You need to start setting limits.

Never change your No to a Yes because DD5 throws a tantrum.

Make her stay in her room if she is tantrumming and she can't come out until she Is quiet.

It will take time but if you are consistent DD will learn self control.

mha3484

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:45 am

I would suggest the book the Explosive Child. I think it could really help you. Also have you considered an evaluation? If you want to read through this its from the non profit behind the book I recommended. https://livesinthebalance.org/.....lies/

Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:47 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:46 am

She sounds like she has ADHD. Instead of being angry at her help her.

flowerpower

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:49 am

My 5 year old is like that.

Sometimes I give in( not important stuff)

Sometimes I let her feel that she is in control- aka picking her clothes/hairstyle/socks.....

Sometimes I am very firm with her.

Some I make a chart with her. Like now it’s this- She gets to fill in a smiley every time she lets me make her hair.

But I am always consistent. Consistency is key with these kids.

If you told her she can zzz in your room and you changed her mind I can see her going ballistic. She has a point through

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:53 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I tried this. it DOESNT work for her. she NEEDS connection more than punishment.

I am very consistent.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:56 am

mha3484 wrote:

She gets OT but I didnt find it helping. She has a hard time listening to the therapists if she doesn't like the activity

These tantrums usually happen when she is tired and hungry and until we get her to bed and get her food that she wants. That's process in itself.

mha3484

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:58 am

I have more then one kid like this. I am mixed on OT. I found play therapy and Meds have helped tons. Also using the method in the book.

A social worker taught me the acronym HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. It solves 99% of my kids behavior. Being proactive on those 4 categories.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:03 am

amother [ Cappuccino ] wrote:

She sounds like she has ADHD. Instead of being angry at her help her.

No she is not ADHD.
Do you know how hard it is to deal with a kid that everything you do is not good enough?

I make her happy about one thing I did something the way she likes it and then she kvetches about the next thing...this goes on and on..

There is only so long I can remain calm with her.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:08 am

mha3484 wrote:

Yes I know about these but it still doesn't help because she refuses to eat until she is starving and demands food that is usually in the freezer. and until I convince her to pick a few options that are available and bedtime takes her forever..

its all exhausting.. I try so hard

mha3484

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:10 am

Another thing that helped my son was social thinking. Its a super hero theme and it teaches a lot of great skills in a fun way. I have a whole packet from my sons therapist. We did some at home and some in the therapy sessions. Its super straightforward. I would email it to you if you wanted.

mha3484

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:12 am

I gave you a real hug. I have literally fed my 7 year old before. He is so distracted he wont eat and the behavior spirals. Some days I am like your too old for this but it makes a huge difference.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:13 am

OP for starters, I think YOU need to learn to be more flexible. A child like your DD needs more choices, not ultimatums. Just because you like your kids to all be matching, doesn't mean that's gonna work for her. (you might have more success if you put HER in charge of choosing the matching outfit, though, for herself and all her siblings. That might work. But you need to be okay with her choice if she wants to wear the red outfit even if everyone else is wearing blue). You might need to ask her if she's ready for bed now or in 10 minutes (so she feels some control about when she's going to bed.) You can ask her to choose which she wants first, pj's or brushing her teeth. Let her feel in charge as much as possible. Kids like this thrive on choices!

Also you and your DH need to get on the same page regarding her, so that he doesn't contradict something your promised her. You said she's gonna sleep in your room, and he said she isn't, so of course war broke out.

I have a child who was similar to what you describe about 10 years ago, and Chasdei Hashem a million times that B"H she has come so far and does so much better - emotional regulation, making positive choices, etc....I'm not saying there aren't struggles, but B"H so much growth. Alot of it came from changes within ourselves (me and DH) and parenting her in the way that she needed.

No there's no spoiling, but at the same time, no, you cannot just drop your other kids, and you don't need to jump and get her whatever she wants at that second. You can have limits. But she needs to feel flexibility coming from you, in order to learn to be flexible within herself.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:16 am

mha3484 wrote:

I gave you a real hug. I have literally fed my 7 year old before. He is so distracted he wont eat and the behavior spirals. Some days I am like your too old for this but it makes a huge difference.

I really really appreciate yours and everyone's response.

On a good day she can be the yummiest child and hard day like you I am like seriously your behaving less than your 2 yr old sister.

mha3484

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:20 am

I will say for my 7.5 year old who is my most volatile child, we tried a new ADD med called quelbre and he has become his yummy self with the intensity level toned down like 15 notches. He still has issues but soooo much more manageable.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:24 am

mha3484 wrote:

I pm'd you.

My child is HSP with some sensory.

amother

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 11:30 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yes I do all the choice stuff. My kids are never matching because of her.

I need her to learn how to be flexible sometimes also. I am always showing her sharing and caring and flexibility .

The bolded is by the hardest honestly. They are both stubborn .

I know the more calm I am the better she is. but like I said above, sometimes she tantrums over so much "stupidy" and its non ending and I just loose it because I need to move on in my life/day.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 12:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I tried this. it DOESNT work for her. she NEEDS connection more than punishment.

I am very consistent.

OP, Is YOUR way working????

You would not be posting if it did.

A definition of insanity is doing what does NOT work and hoping for a different outcome.

amother

Violet

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 12:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds exactly like my same age dd. I agree it's not likely adhd. My dd is very mature & smart for her age is your child like that too? I think that explains a lot for me.

She does really well is school & socially although she's not always the nicest. I would never consider meds at this age for a kid that functions ok in school.

The best advice I have is to just let her scream. Except for when it doesn't matter that much I like to give her freedom to be creative. Yeah she chooses were own clothing, I can live with her funny combos.

amother

Bottlebrush

Fri, Jun 03 2022, 12:19 pm

I once hear about a parent who had a child with a very challenging personality—really needed attention.
For example: whenever they would get into the car she would start bothering the other siblings and war would break out.

What this mother did was she started complimenting her daughter when she showed good behaviour or just about something she was good at and the child slowly started acting better.
For example: when they would get into the car the mother would say “Yael your teacher was telling me what a great job you did on your kriah project…”

Doing so directed positive attention to the child which changed the way the child behaved.

Perhaps this would work for your daughter as well.

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