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What am I doing wrong? kids talking mean



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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:45 am
Kids use such mean words to each other and to me. I don't talk to them like that. I really don't like it that this has become normal and acceptable in my house. How can I change the atmosphere in the home to one where people speak positively to each other and to me? Kids are age 11 and down.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:48 am
Please reframe
You are not doing anything wrong
Rather
“What can I do to encourage better/target this behavior?” And go from there
Hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Clear


 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:49 am
I have a zero tolerance policy. So for example in middle of the meal kid says something mean they need to leave the table think about what they did for a few minutes, come back and apologize and then they can continue with their meal. It’s been working and the mean words are down to a minimum.
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happy chick




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 10:53 am
Same here. I just repeat again and again (and again and again...) that I don't appreciate hearing ppl in my home speak like that. I don't speak that way to them and I don't expect to be spoken to that way either. I think (or at least hope) that one day it will get into their heads.

On the same subject, my kids also hit each other. And thats another thing they did not learn in my home. I have many faults, for which I take responsibility for my kids exhibiting symptoms of, but hitting and using not nice language are not one of them.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 12:13 pm
Who says you're doing anything wrong? Control over your children is an illusion. What is the KBH, lehavdil, doing wrong that his children don't obey him?

Your children have many other influences in their lives, including teachers, friends, kids in the playground, neighbors, books and more. The best you can do is model desired behavior, explain to them--over and over and over--why a certain behavior is unacceptable, and hope that some of what you say takes hold.

Civility is not a natural phenomenon. Human nature is at its core selfish, me vs. everyone else. Children need to be taught good behavior, and not all children are equally good students.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 12:46 pm
Thank you for the perspective. I guess I do need to reframe.

I just get so tense from all the mean talk. It just doesn't stop. The name-calling seems so cruel. It just seems so unfair. I have always been able to remain calm and unflustered when my kids talk like that to me and just tell them in a very unemotional voice that it's not acceptable to speak that way to a parent or to anyone else. But even I, myself, am starting to get worn down from it. I'm just starting to lose my patience with it and I'm beginning to feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my children, so I imagine they may be feeling that way with each other too. It really bothers me.

Does anyone have some practical advice for what I can do to make one small change to improve the situation? Having a zero-tolerance policy and making a kid leave the table/room and then apologize would never fly here. It would just end up in a huge power struggle that I have no chance of winning.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 1:03 pm
I think kids get into bad habits and patterns. Work on breaking the pattern. Talk to your kids about it. Ask them why they do it, and how they feel about each other and how they feel when it's being done to them.

I just want to add that I'm dealing with a similar thing with my own children currently and this is what I see as the problem in our house and what works to make it better.


Last edited by behappy2 on Fri, Jun 03 2022, 1:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Azalea


 

Post Fri, Jun 03 2022, 1:11 pm
.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, Jun 06 2022, 1:24 pm
I find that it's usually a result of the kids mirroring the behavior of those around them. I speak from experience... unfortunately. My kids are constantly being mean to each other and they learnt it from my ex.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Jun 06 2022, 4:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for the perspective. I guess I do need to reframe.

I just get so tense from all the mean talk. It just doesn't stop. The name-calling seems so cruel. It just seems so unfair. I have always been able to remain calm and unflustered when my kids talk like that to me and just tell them in a very unemotional voice that it's not acceptable to speak that way to a parent or to anyone else. But even I, myself, am starting to get worn down from it. I'm just starting to lose my patience with it and I'm beginning to feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my children, so I imagine they may be feeling that way with each other too. It really bothers me.

Does anyone have some practical advice for what I can do to make one small change to improve the situation? Having a zero-tolerance policy and making a kid leave the table/room and then apologize would never fly here. It would just end up in a huge power struggle that I have no chance of winning.


Also agree that "zero tolerance" is a bad idea especially with teenagers. You will just create more negativity. But there may be a point where a child crosses a boundary and does need a consequence.
Say things like, "can you please say that in a nicer way?" And just keep repeating things, "it hurts when you say mean things to others"
other ideas
- a treat if you don't say any mean/insulting words during a meal
- a treat/reward if they tell you how they controlled themselves

- Learn a sefer on Shmiras Halashon at the table. Rotate who gets to read each day.
-
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skyeblue




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:40 am
Do your kids have exposure to TV or non-frum media?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2022, 1:04 pm
skyeblue wrote:
Do your kids have exposure to TV or non-frum media?

No.
My little ones watch cocomelon occasionally but that's it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2022, 1:07 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Also agree that "zero tolerance" is a bad idea especially with teenagers. You will just create more negativity. But there may be a point where a child crosses a boundary and does need a consequence.
Say things like, "can you please say that in a nicer way?" And just keep repeating things, "it hurts when you say mean things to others"
other ideas
- a treat if you don't say any mean/insulting words during a meal
- a treat/reward if they tell you how they controlled themselves

- Learn a sefer on Shmiras Halashon at the table. Rotate who gets to read each day.
-

Thank you for these practical ideas. I really appreciate them. I'm going to try to implement.

Any other practical ideas?
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2022, 2:15 pm
Buy a special candy.

Whenever someone says something nice like "thank you" or gives Parent or Sibling a compliment,
they get a treat.

Limit one per 45 minutes so kids are not just saying "you're great - give me a candy, you're wonderful - give me a candy".

And/Or:

make cups with children's names on it.

Put 5 candies in each child's cup.

Everytime they say something mean, they lose one candy.

At end of the day, they can have the candies that are left.
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