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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
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amother
Tan
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 Thu, Jun 09 2022, 5:23 pm
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Isn't it very rare for mainstream chabad to marry "out"?
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amother
Daisy
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:19 pm
| amother [ Tan ] wrote: | | Isn't it very rare for mainstream chabad to marry "out"? |
I did! 
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amother
Orange
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:26 pm
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Very rare. Can’t think of anyone I know who grew up Chabad and married a different type of frum Jew.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:53 pm
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My father has a bunch of sisters and most of them married out
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amother
Mistyrose
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:00 pm
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I grew up Chabad and married out. I lit a candle from 3. DD will light only once she marries. I follow my mother's minhag in how to light my own candles now, but DD follows the minhagim of our house which goes after DH that single girls do not light. When she will marry, she will light how I light.
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amother
Aqua
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:19 pm
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Usually chabadniks who didnt fit in for whatever reason or second marriages.
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amother
DarkCyan
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:47 pm
| amother [ Orange ] wrote: | | Very rare. Can’t think of anyone I know who grew up Chabad and married a different type of frum Jew. |
My sister is not chabad and married a chabad guy. But I guess you don’t knew him
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amother
Navyblue
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 8:11 pm
| amother [ Snowflake ] wrote: | Edited to add: Why am I a snowflake?  | I gave you a like to try to make up for your being a snowflake
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amother
Mistyrose
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:22 pm
| amother [ Aqua ] wrote: | | Usually chabadniks who didnt fit in for whatever reason or second marriages. |
Or who don't like the chabad derech. (shrug)
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KJP
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:08 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My father has a bunch of sisters and most of them married out |
Yes I have an uncle, half his family isn't married to Chabad even though they grew up Chabad.
Its very rare though, thats the only instance I know of with people raised Chabad.
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Window
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:19 pm
It is very rare to marry out. I don’t really know anyone who didn’t like the Chabad derech and therefore married out. Usually Lubavitchers who didn’t fit in the system, like someone who went Off the derech and later became from. Or a teenager who needed a different type of yeshiva or high school (for whatever reason Chabad schools didn’t work for them).
Otherwise, I’ve seen it with parents who aren’t the most committed to being Chabad. Or if one parent isn’t Chabad and the kids grow up with mixed messages.
I have an aunt who married a different type of chassidus. Her girls learned in Chabad schools and the boys learned in other chassidish schools. The kids are all over the place. From Chabad shluchim, Chabad lite, all other sorts of chassiduses… and it’s all because the parents aren’t both chabad. The kids grew up exposed to all different things
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amother
Aqua
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:50 pm
Often if a chabad girl attends a beis yaakov or a chabad boy went to a different type of yeshiva- even if they grow up in a chabad family, often they will be missing out on a proper chabad chinuch. And they will feel more comfortable around the other frum Jews they grew up with.
I'm not knocking other schools chas veshalom. They provide a wonderful yiddishe chinuch. But those who go there will be lacking in the mainstream chabad mentality which is hard to make up after many years of schooling.
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tichellady
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Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:53 pm
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I light candles and my daughter does too. My family was Lubavitch in Russia but we keep some of the minhagim still. Not everyone who keeps Chabad minhagim “ is Chabad”
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amother
Mint
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 12:06 am
| amother [ Aqua ] wrote: | Often if a chabad girl attends a beis yaakov or a chabad boy went to a different type of yeshiva- even if they grow up in a chabad family, often they will be missing out on a proper chabad chinuch. And they will feel more comfortable around the other frum Jews they grew up with.
I'm not knocking other schools chas veshalom. They provide a wonderful yiddishe chinuch. But those who go there will be lacking in the mainstream chabad mentality which is hard to make up after many years of schooling. |
I disagree. I went to bais yaakov my whole life. I think being in a non Chabad setting made me even more proud. I was never embarrassed to tell people I’m lubavitch. I feel very much Chabad. I spoke to a lot of other Chabad by girls they all feel the same. Being in a non Chabad school makes us more proud and connected than a lot of girls who are in a Chabad school.
Obviously you need to get from a home that is Chabad and does what the rebbe says we should do.
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amother
Snowflake
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 2:44 am
For the poster who is sad for me that my kids are made to feel like pariahs - do you not have teenagers? They don't need any outside help to feel different from everyone else. They are very sensitive all by themselves about things real and imagined.
B"H my kids are doing great both socially and academically. Being similar to everyone else is, IMHO, the least you can do for your kids in any social/community setting, unless you are living OOT where there is a large range.
I left chabad because, like one poster suggested, I went to a regular BY, read alot and apparently have a litvish neshama. No detours, no not fitting in, had chabad friends and all my relatives are chabad. My parents and extended family had a really hard time with it, but now that there are a few cousins who went OTD, they are happy I found my own way And they LOVE my husband.
Personally, I love the idea of waiting for marriage to light. What a beautiful way to bring in your first shabbos and so exciting on your new candlesticks (I can only assume!) I think it becomes more meaningful when you haven't been doing it since before you even understood the meaning of the bracha, but that's probably my litvish neshama speaking.
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Ima_Shelli
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 2:52 am
| amother [ Snowflake ] wrote: | For the poster who is sad for me that my kids are made to feel like pariahs - do you not have teenagers? They don't need any outside help to feel different from everyone else. They are very sensitive all by themselves about things real and imagined.
B"H my kids are doing great both socially and academically. Being similar to everyone else is, IMHO, the least you can do for your kids in any social/community setting, unless you are living OOT where there is a large range.
I left chabad because, like one poster suggested, I went to a regular BY, read alot and apparently have a litvish neshama. No detours, no not fitting in, had chabad friends and all my relatives are chabad. My parents and extended family had a really hard time with it, but now that there are a few cousins who went OTD, they are happy I found my own way And they LOVE my husband.
Personally, I love the idea of waiting for marriage to light. What a beautiful way to bring in your first shabbos and so exciting on your new candlesticks (I can only assume!) I think it becomes more meaningful when you haven't been doing it since before you even understood the meaning of the bracha, but that's probably my litvish neshama speaking. |
Like I said upthread, many Brisker girls light a candle even when single.
Also the new candlesticks after marriage and the fact that you’re lighting two of them as opposed to one is a special change regardless.
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amother
Moccasin
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 3:02 am
| amother [ Mint ] wrote: | I disagree. I went to bais yaakov my whole life. I think being in a non Chabad setting made me even more proud. I was never embarrassed to tell people I’m lubavitch. I feel very much Chabad. I spoke to a lot of other Chabad by girls they all feel the same. Being in a non Chabad school makes us more proud and connected than a lot of girls who are in a Chabad school.
Obviously you need to get from a home that is Chabad and does what the rebbe says we should do. |
Some kids thrive on being the only one in their class, and others just assimilate.
I went to a day school. I was always proud to be the most frum in the class. I knew I was different and special.
Some of my siblings ended up adopting a lot of behaviors from their less-frum classmates.
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amother
Snowflake
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 3:20 am
Good point about the two candlesticks!
I think what all the chabadniks are saying about those marrying out is true for all insular frum communities.
Obviously there was some misfit between the community (people or hashkafa) and the person leaving, or they would still be there! Same with those who went to BY - where else would they be exposed to other forms of frum judaism? When I was chabad, it was always us vs. the people who we liked, but whose houses and food we couldn't eat. And those misnagdim.
A "proper chabad chinuch" just ensures that there is no positive exposure to any other kind of frumkeit and then if people feel like they need something different, they have nowhere to go but OTD.
And please don't take someone leaving chabad personally - they're not saying chabad is bad, just that it's not for them.
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amother
Blueberry
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Fri, Jun 10 2022, 4:17 am
| amother [ Aqua ] wrote: | Often if a chabad girl attends a beis yaakov or a chabad boy went to a different type of yeshiva- even if they grow up in a chabad family, often they will be missing out on a proper chabad chinuch. And they will feel more comfortable around the other frum Jews they grew up with.
I'm not knocking other schools chas veshalom. They provide a wonderful yiddishe chinuch. But those who go there will be lacking in the mainstream chabad mentality which is hard to make up after many years of schooling. |
I think this depends on why you are going to a non Chabad school, and your home life. If you are going to BY because your parents are shluchim or its the only frum school in your town, that is very different than if your parents choose to send you to BY when there are excellent chabad schools around. (its true that sometimes the non chabad school may be a better option...which is a difficult situation) I know a wonderful chabad shlucha who went to Beis Yaakov her entire life.
I agree it is much more uncommon for chabad girls to marry out. As opposed to other chassidic groups, where it is apparantly normal for girls to marry into diffierent chassidic groups.
Chabad girls are brought up with a very strong distinct culture. We learn chassidus, go on mivtzoim, hear Rebbe stories, obviously have our minhagim and nusach. Ideally a girl who goes to a non chabad school will get this from home, camp, seminary.
It is true there is animosity to 'misnagdim' - but in my house that meant real misnagdim, people who really actively oppose chabad. You can be a litvish person and NOT a misnagid. (there are some people I have met who proudly describe themselves as misnagdim!) My father grew up in a different non chassidic derech and retains a lot of affection and respect for his origins, and other chassidic groups as well.
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