If you grew up chabad but married out

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jun 10 2022, 4:40 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I disagree. I went to bais yaakov my whole life. I think being in a non Chabad setting made me even more proud. I was never embarrassed to tell people I’m lubavitch. I feel very much Chabad. I spoke to a lot of other Chabad by girls they all feel the same. Being in a non Chabad school makes us more proud and connected than a lot of girls who are in a Chabad school.
Obviously you need to get from a home that is Chabad and does what the rebbe says we should do.

I'm many years out of high school already and my experiences have proven that chabad girls who attend BY are unfortunately missing a lot of chabad flavor and hashkafa. Unless their home was super powerfully chassidish, which is many times not the case as there is a high percentage of either chabad BT parents or children of BTs parents or mothers who themselves attended a BY.

A person may feel very connected to chabad or the Rebbe, but that's not what I'm talking about. There are certain things in hashkafa and chabad mentality that these girls miss out on and it sets them apart from mainstream chabad.

The only BY I've seen that this didn't happen in was in Toronto many years back before there was a school there. The chabad girls who attended BY in Toronto were not affected this way but they came from very chassidishe homes.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jun 10 2022, 4:57 am

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

Good point about the two candlesticks!

I think what all the chabadniks are saying about those marrying out is true for all insular frum communities.
Obviously there was some misfit between the community (people or hashkafa) and the person leaving, or they would still be there! Same with those who went to BY - where else would they be exposed to other forms of frum judaism? When I was chabad, it was always us vs. the people who we liked, but whose houses and food we couldn't eat. And those misnagdim.
A "proper chabad chinuch" just ensures that there is no positive exposure to any other kind of frumkeit and then if people feel like they need something different, they have nowhere to go but OTD.

And please don't take someone leaving chabad personally - they're not saying chabad is bad, just that it's not for them.

No a proper chabad chinuch is not about isolating from the rest of the Frum world.
A proper chabad chinuch means that the connection between chossid and Rebbe is unbreakable and unrelenting, and that the entire Torah is taught through chabad hashkafa, through the lens of chassidus. And that the yomei dpagra are real and relevant to today, not just something that happened many decades ago.

I don't relate to the us vs them attitude. It doesn't exist in my home.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jun 10 2022, 5:02 am

amother [ Blueberry ] wrote:

I think this depends on why you are going to a non Chabad school, and your home life. If you are going to BY because your parents are shluchim or its the only frum school in your town, that is very different than if your parents choose to send you to BY when there are excellent chabad schools around. (its true that sometimes the non chabad school may be a better option...which is a difficult situation) I know a wonderful chabad shlucha who went to Beis Yaakov her entire life.

I agree it is much more uncommon for chabad girls to marry out. As opposed to other chassidic groups, where it is apparantly normal for girls to marry into diffierent chassidic groups.

Chabad girls are brought up with a very strong distinct culture. We learn chassidus, go on mivtzoim, hear Rebbe stories, obviously have our minhagim and nusach. Ideally a girl who goes to a non chabad school will get this from home, camp, seminary.

It is true there is animosity to 'misnagdim' - but in my house that meant real misnagdim, people who really actively oppose chabad. You can be a litvish person and NOT a misnagid. (there are some people I have met who proudly describe themselves as misnagdim!) My father grew up in a different non chassidic derech and retains a lot of affection and respect for his origins, and other chassidic groups as well.

Yes to everything you wrote. But I found that the girls who attended BY even for the reason that there was no other choice, still ended up different than a typical chabad girl.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Jun 10 2022, 5:10 am

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

For the poster who is sad for me that my kids are made to feel like pariahs - do you not have teenagers? They don't need any outside help to feel different from everyone else. They are very sensitive all by themselves about things real and imagined.
B"H my kids are doing great both socially and academically. Being similar to everyone else is, IMHO, the least you can do for your kids in any social/community setting, unless you are living OOT where there is a large range.

I left chabad because, like one poster suggested, I went to a regular BY, read alot and apparently have a litvish neshama. No detours, no not fitting in, had chabad friends and all my relatives are chabad. My parents and extended family had a really hard time with it, but now that there are a few cousins who went OTD, they are happy I found my own way And they LOVE my husband.

Personally, I love the idea of waiting for marriage to light. What a beautiful way to bring in your first shabbos and so exciting on your new candlesticks (I can only assume!) I think it becomes more meaningful when you haven't been doing it since before you even understood the meaning of the bracha, but that's probably my litvish neshama speaking.

I don't believe there's such thing as a litvishe neshama. I believe people value that which they are taught so obviously the BY hashkafa was imprinted on you.
Which im not saying is a bad thing, by the way. I believe each person has a journey to go through in this world and is where they are supposed to be.

amother

Violet

Fri, Jun 10 2022, 8:28 am

I have a sil who went to BY because her parents felt it was a better school. Numerous chabad families sent their daughters there as well. She went to a Lubavitch seminary. But now years later you do see some of the Litvish mentality in certain areas. It’s not just the type of clothing. The Torah (Chumash, Navi, Parsha…) are missing the chabad “flavor”. Even though she learns now it still isn’t the same.