Do you feel like you have it together regarding the chinuch?

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:11 am

Of your children?
With a couple of kids of all ages and stages with issues both large and small I often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
Do people have it together in their chinuch and feel confident in their approach every day?
I feel as a mom there are endless decisions to make daily and I never know if I did the right thing. Was I too stubborn, was I too lenient? Am I helicopter parent, are my kids too free? Do I make a fuss about this tznius/spending/friendship issue or turn a blind eye? I don’t feel like chinuch classes have the answers to the nitty gritty daily grind of chinuch. The nuances are too detailed in every family and with every child. Even with the same child on a different day.
Do others feel like they have a good idea of what they’re supposed to be doing and doing it right?
I feel like despite my best effort my kids might look back one day and feel like I was wrong on many counts.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:14 am

amother [ Cadetblue ] wrote:

Do you mean chinuch as in. Teaching our children hashkafah and our mesorah? Or do you mean general parenting?

I mean general but it does include hashkafa. If it comes to a tznius dilemma for example.

bigsis144

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:21 am

I have so few interactions with my kids where I can look back and feel confident that I said or did the “right thing”.

Many other interactions fall into “I did the best I could at the time, even if that was not the ideal I aspire towards, and I have to just let go and hope and daven”.

And very very very many fall into “that was wrong and you know it. But try to learn from your mistakes instead of being crushed under their weight”.

—

So on a daily basis, I also have difficult kids who will not react “properly” not matter what I do. My effort does not automatically give me results. And that lack of positive feedback is a KILLER.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 4:50 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I like your positive attitude!

amother

Crystal

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 4:58 pm

In my experience, when you think you have it together, Hashem gives you a child that needs to be parented differently.

A good parent is not one that always knows what to do and say at just the right time. A good parent is one that cares enough to think about the child, and humble enough to learn how to give each child what they need.

As much as parenting books make it sound like they have all the answers, no one method works for every person.

I think as long as we keep the essentials in mind, and we keep learning and growing, we're doing a good job despite the inevitable bloopers both big and small.

The essentials are that our child is a precious neshama that Hashem entrusted to us to care for and guide. Every child, as every person, has a Yetzer Hara to ensure they must exercise their choice to do good, has a "peckel" of challenges that is tailor-made for them, and has a unique purpose in the world, distinct from ours. But we are not doing it alone. Three partners bring a child into the world: A father, a mother, and Hashem. We do our part to the best of our ability and the Third Partner will do His.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:38 pm

amother [ Crystal ] wrote:

Thank you for the chizzuk.

amother

Winterberry

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:45 pm

This is very sensitive for me. I am feeling down these days about my parenting/chinuch Sad

I've read many parenting books and I 'know' how I should be doing things ideally but having a hard time in practice. Having a hard time with motivating myself, with being consistent, with initiating new (positive) things and it bothers me. I feel like I'm being lazy but can't change/stop. Also spending too much time on my phone/online.

HOWEVER, in my good times, I try to think about the following idea I think I read in Laura Markham's book that really resonated. The relationship between you and your child is the most important thing. That's the thing they will take with them as they get older, and that's a major contributor to them choosing to live with the values you instilled. This gives me hope in the moment, it's easy to get hung up on nitty-gritty details but it's really the overarching feeling your child gets from you that matters so much more.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:04 pm

Honestly, in general I think we're doing ok because I have no problems continuing learning and asking advice from mentors/mechanchim as they come up. Which means that I don't have everything perfect but I don't feel like I'm drowning either on a regular basis because I'm not all alone in this. Sometimes things are harder (and can be really hard!) and sometimes they kinda ease up but my head is BH above water. Without the above mentioned resources, I think I'd definitely be struggling. Just knowing I can ask is a relief!

amother

Steelblue

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:39 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

who do you ask? and how do you implement it? I find that even if I read things... it's hard to implement in practice...

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 7:51 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

Op you may like shais Taub parenting course

Does he have a book?
I don’t do well with courses.
I have Sarah Yaroslovitz’s book on children and teens.
Too hard to implement.
I can use more books on teens if anyone has a suggestion.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 8:02 pm

amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:

who do you ask? and how do you implement it? I find that even if I read things... it's hard to implement in practice...

I do little reading about chinuch these days but back when I was starting out I would make a weekly goal of what I was trying to implement and really focus on that one thing. But just listening to chinuch shiurim or reading keeps me focused on wanting to do better...

Asking has included kids' teachers, administrators, parents a few years above me in their journey but not so far removed, guest lecturers brought in who address chinuch (a Rosh Yeshiva, a person who gives parenting workshops, etc)...I try to go to those types of things and ask individual questions after it's over if it's the right address.

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 8:24 pm

I don't but I do feel more confident then when I started out 12 years ago!

What helped me was courses, therapy, books and asking other mothers for advice.

The book that gave me the best direction was Sarah Chana Radcliffe's book; the one written for the frum community made up of essays. I really should read it again. It gave me a lot of confidence.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 10:42 pm

amother [ Crystal ] wrote:

Or He gives you a husband that completely sabotages all your good parenting efforts.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:19 pm

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

Do you know the title?