Approx. How much $$$ do I need to marry off DS - yeshivish

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Jun 15 2022, 9:34 pm

amother [ Banana ] wrote:

It is possible to do things low cost. My sister had a takana wedding in yeshiva spring valley. Her jewelry was silver, not gold. Simple pieces but elegant. I do not know what my parents spent but both families were on a tight budget. My sister is working and paid for some things like her sheitel and basic household items. Gowns were gmachs.

I've noticed that all the posts talking about lower budgets start with "my sister", "my parents", "my neighbor". All the posts talking about actual dollars are from us, the parents.

Mother of the boy here - spend $4,000 on my side of Bais Fayga. Cheapest jewelry, gave money towards leichter, gmach gowns (I think I paid a minimal fee plus cleaners), my friend did makeup for free, cheap clothing, I cooked all the food myself for the aufruf, and we made our own kiddush. Etc etc etc.

It STILL came out to almost $20,000, and I'm sure prices have gone up tremendously since then. Some costs are non negotiable (do you REALLY want to be cheap to the shadchan), some costs you don't realize till you get there (help! The makeup lady!). It all adds up.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jun 15 2022, 10:44 pm

HKBH please help all of us to marry off our children at the right time to their bashert, and please let us be able to have a full, open hand and to be truly b’simcha throughout.

We have a child who’s in shidduchim, and no money saved for a wedding. I recently increased my work hours significantly to start setting aside as much as possible for iy”H a wedding. Then prices on everything skyrocketed. Please Hashem help us all.

amother

Maple

Wed, Jun 15 2022, 11:21 pm

amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:

It's pretty simple math to realize that when parents buy multiple pieces of jewelry, pay for furniture, first months' rent, make up/hair for adult children (not referring to the kallah, rather the siblings of the chasson/kallah), it's going to add up and will certainly be cheaper if those things are cut out, even if we haven't personally made weddings yet for our own children. Why have all of these things become standard? Why can't adult children pay for their own make up/hair or their wedding outfits (even gmach fees can add up)?

Not too long ago, in my day, it was a plain gold bracelet, diamond ring, and some people got a (cultured) pearl or plain gold necklace in the yichud room. Why is it now standard for every piece of jewelry to be studded in diamonds, and oops, I forgot to include that now expensive earrings are an expectation (just one girl in my group of friends got earrings....but she married a guy from a well known, very wealthy family....nobody in our group of friends expected or thought they'd get the same....we understood that her situation was different, because of the family she was marrying into, and that was ok).

Maybe the changes in the economy will spur some changes in our world, too? Maybe it will be ok to give a "simple" gold bracelet or necklace instead of a diamond one??? At some point, people will have to admit they just can't keep up with the gifts.

amother

Petunia

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:18 am

The numbers some of these posters are writing are laughable. And totally not realistic for 99% of people.

I'm not up to marrying children off. And it's been over a decade since my wedding. But I recently bought myself a very simple weekday ring. Gold base, some diamond chips and some ruby stones. It was the second to cheapest option they showed me - and cost $950. It isn't realistic to say that you can get a proper diamond set in a gold ring for $1500

amother

Maple

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:27 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

A diamond ring, ok, that's the traditional engagement gift, most people understand that.
But why are people kowtowing to the trend of diamond tennis bracelets, diamond earrings, diamond pendants?
And why does a kallah specifically need leather-bound machzarim and tehillim with her name on it? She didn't have any before she got married?
BTW you can get that sort of ring you describe for cheaper than you stated, yes even nowadays. (I have a relative in the jewelry business--he buys and sells online, goes to jewelry shows in other states. You have to know where to go, and the typical frum jewelry business isn't it!)

amother

Brown

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:39 am

amother [ Maple ] wrote:

I agree that presents have spiraled out of control and that trends are ridiculous... But gifts for a kallah are actually found in the torah. Think Eliezer bringing gifts from Yitzchak to Rivka. So to suggest that gifts are rooted in peer pressure isn't true either

amother

Maple

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:50 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Why isn't a ring and maybe a bracelet sufficient?
The only thing mentioned in the meforshim I think were nose rings and bracelets?
And, we don't do everything exactly like the Avos did when it came time to their getting married, either. I've read that rationalization so often but sorry it doesn't jive with the rest of the "shidduch" system in Tanach.
Really it was only Rivka who ended up receiving gifts of jewelry. Yaakov may have started off with gifts but they were stolen and Lavan agreed anyway to marry off both daughters (who both desperately wanted to marry him, even though he was penniless and was an indentured servant, basically. No gifts of jewelry there, not one.). Yehuda technically married Tamar after promising some lambs and giving her a staff as collateral. Moshe was certainly penniless and unemployed when he married Tzipporah. Etc. So, based on ONE story in Tanach this is our standard?

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:53 am

amother [ Maple ] wrote:

It's
Not too long ago, in my day, it was a plain gold bracelet, diamond ring, and some people got a (cultured) pearl or plain gold necklace in the yichud room. Why is it now standard for every piece of jewelry to be studded in diamonds, and oops, I forgot to include that now expensive earrings are an expectation (just one girl in my group of friends got earrings....but she married a guy from a well known, very wealthy family....nobody in our group of friends expected or thought they'd get the same....we understood that her situation was different, because of the family she was marrying into, and that was ok).

Maybe the changes in the economy will spur some changes in our world, too? Maybe it will be ok to give a "simple" gold bracelet or necklace instead of a diamond one??? At some point, people will have to admit they just can't keep up with the gifts.

Today the plain gold bracelet will cost way more then the diamond dust bracelets. Gold is a fortune. Diamond dust is cheap. They use thin gold with the diamond look on top. Unless someone is getting diamond pieces (not on frugal yeshivish community) the diamond bracelets are way cheaper the original strong gold bracelet. So even tho it looks fancier ppl are doing it for economical reasons.

amother

Maple

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:57 am

amother [ Watermelon ] wrote:

Maybe. Most people here seem to be talking about diamond tennis bracelets. But ok, I'll grant you the bracelet. What about the rest of the expected gifts?

amother

Snow

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:10 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

If you know a jeweler you can totally get something for 1500. How big is the diamond? Most people I know in Israel have 1 carat of even, .5 or .7 carat. I see people in USA having these massive diamonds. Is that really neccesary?

I mean sure maybe I'd love a bigger diamond but I don't think it's fair for it to be on my in laws bill. But that's just my opinion.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:26 am; edited 1 time in total

SuperWify

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:17 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

My cousins in Israel get CZ’s. They get a “designer” watch (like Michael Kors something for about $200) and 1 piece of real jewelry of their choice. Siddur and machzor and I dont think candlesticks. You can’t compare because the standards are very very different there.

The average yeshivish person gets about a 1 carat which is a minimum of $2k. There is no cheaper. Really.

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 7:11 am

amother [ Tuberose ] wrote:

A neighbor just made a ''Corona'' wedding. It was in a lovely yard that was used for many weddings during Corona. 150 pple. band, pictures, video. Much cheaper than $25.000.

Typically the carona weddings cost a huge fortune. They had to rent everything that was used and setup from scratch. The food had to be shlepped over. There was no kitchen so the caterer had to bring what was needed. The cost per person was very high. The cost was waaaaay more then a takana wedding.

(When ppl are saying the cost on here that is including the aufruf, wedding, gifts, clothing, etc. not just the wedding. )

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 7:49 am

amother [ Maple ] wrote:

Definitely agree with the point about jewelry. My DH’s family had an acquaintance who sells jewelry on the side. He works with people in another country (not sure which one) and gets very good deals. He was able to copy a design of a ring I loved from Jared and even though my main diamond is only .8 carat it doesn’t look small at all because it’s in a very elaborate setting that makes it look much bigger and has a lot of small diamonds on it. I get compliments on my ring and I can’t stop looking at it 5 years later. I don’t know how much it actually cost but it was appraised at several thousands dollars and my DH said they paid way less.

For my bracelet I envisioned the classic kallah bracelet that has pieces linked together with specks of diamonds. I thought those were called tennis bracelets so I told my dh I wanted a tennis bracelet. ( what are they actually called??) So he bought one from this same guy and I was disappointed to discover it was just a string of diamonds. When I pointed out the one my SIL has and said that’s what I was imagining my DH said “those are so much cheaper! You said you wanted a tennis bracelet!” Oh well. But my bracelet was appraised at thousands of dollars and my DH said he paid way less.

amother

Azalea

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 7:57 am

amother [ Tuberose ] wrote:

A neighbor just made a ''Corona'' wedding. It was in a lovely yard that was used for many weddings during Corona. 150 pple. band, pictures, video. Much cheaper than $25.000.

For many people here, renting a yard, tables and chairs, tablecloths, dishes, bringing down a caterer and a bar would be more pricey than a takanah hall. You'd also need to set up a chuppah, and a bunch of other things that wedding halls are already equipped with.

amother

DarkGray

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 8:53 am

amother [ Snapdragon ] wrote:

$10,000 is just the first week.
Shadchanus, ring., bracelet .
I would say around $30000 and I am frugal.
Shadchan $2000
Diamond $3000
Ring $700
Flowers for vort $250 -$300
Bracelet $ 1800
Pendant for wedding $1600
Leicter$1200
Watch for birthday (no diamonds) $750
Machzorim siddur tehillim with name $1000
Hall was 50-50 takana night $10000
Invites and benchers $600
Stamps $300
Aufrurf $2000 (just kiddush, no meal)
Plus hat suits stefier
I did give $1500 towards a sheitel but most people dont.
If I made a meal at the aufrurf would have been another$4000.

Echoing that this is not a must. I didn't get flowers for the vort, a pendant, leichters, watch, machzorim/siddur/tehillim, used a bencher gemach, no money towards a sheitel. No real flowers at wedding either - 1 fake silk bouquet a friend made for me, and the hall threw in some fake flowers here and there.
And not everyone gives rent for the first couple of months either. We were on our own for that.

kollel_wife

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 11:40 am

I'm not going to give you a figure, as I don't recall any more, but I hope the simcha is soon.
But want to mention:

Glase (Lakewood)- is a jewelry place, low key, yeshivishe owner, where you can get nicer stuff for better prices and more variety than the expensive stores.

Also Tzadok Katz (Zichron Matel, I think) has a tzedaka for chasanim in need which helps with outfitting the choson, and machzorim, leichter, if one is in financial need. Could be it's only for Lakewood chasanim, but I have no idea.

Bais Faiga is the least expensive hall, with takanos for the boys side, (not 50/50), comes out very inexpensive. I don't have current figures.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 11:43 am

amother [ DarkGray ] wrote:

Where are you from?