S/O Question for yeshivish newly marrieds

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:38 pm

Please only respond if you both view yourself as yeshivish, and if you're less than three years post-wedding. This is about the period of your engagement.

Would you be offended if your in-laws did not give you a set of machzorim or a tehillim engraved with your name?
Would you be upset if they didn't buy you a leichter or bought you an inexpensive one, maybe a small one that cost 100-200 dollars, but not silver or anything?
Would you feel ignored if they didn't buy you a birthday present?
If your future in-laws sat down with you and explained that money was tight, and so while they would really like to buy you a beautiful diamond ring and diamond bracelet, they can either buy you a ring with small real diamond or a fake one, and the bracelet will have to be an inexpensive one (or if this was not discussed, what if your husband had simply presented these to you instead of the really expensive stuff)?

And my last question is...since many yeshivish couples start off in kollel, and are intending to live frugally for the next little while at least, how can you reconcile doing that while your parents/in-laws are putting themselves into major debt in order to buy you all of these gifts?

(Full disclosure: I am yeshivish but do not yet have kids who are shidduch age, just younger teens and down. But when I got married, I strongly considered asking for a cubic Z ring because it felt so wrong for me to ask my husband (who was paying for it) to spend all of this money on something so relatively unimportant when I knew that our years in kollel would depend on how long we could swing it financially. I only didn't ask because all of my friends and family -- including those who were yeshivish, MO, JPF, etc -- said it might offend him and wasn't worth it.)

[ETA this originally included questions about a car and shaitel, but I took those out because they were derailing the thread from my original question.]

Last edited by AlwaysGrateful on Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

scruffy

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:50 pm

Will bite - I would not be offended by any of the above, with the exception of just being given the cheaper kallah bracelet etc up front. But if I was sat down to a discussion first I would gladly accept the cheaper jewelry.

I don't think that everyone gets everything despite how people made it sound.

I did get machzorim, leichter, and standard kallah jewelry from inlaws. Def not car and sheitel. Dh bought me an inexpensive birthday present he chose himself (which was way more meaningful than something from my MIL)

I was really grateful for everything I did receive.

I don't think I'm out of the norm either...

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:52 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

And my last question is...since many yeshivish couples start off in kollel, and are intending to live frugally for the next little while at least

I am yeshivish, not at all newlywed, so probably shouldn't comment....but just want to say that there are many yeshivish couples that start off in Kollel that do no intend to live all that frugally. I would say those that do are in the minority.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:05 pm

Chayalle wrote:

as the mother of a girl in shidduchim, I would say that most girls who are working have purchased their own car...and most boys in shidduchim have done the same. (No expectation on the parents though)

Who is buying the boy in yeshiva a car and gas and insurance if they are sitting and learning ?
The majority under 26 do not have a car before marriage.
For girls also it’s very age specific.
When the girls get married older and are not playgroup assistants then yes. But many don’t.

amother

Valerian

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:07 pm

I’ll bite. Yes in all honesty. I would be upset.

I have a lot of sisters and I would feel bad that I didn’t get what they got.

My younger sister got married recently and her mother-in-law checked out our jewelry 10 times to make sure to buy her in the same range and I thought that was really nice of them, even though money is tight for them. I know her DH chipped in, it wasn’t only from them.

I’m grateful to my in-laws, they really spoiled me. I wear my jewelry every day/Shabbos and I love every piece. I should add that they are very comfortable and are able to easily afford it so I have no guilt. If I knew they couldn’t I would probably have asked them to buy me just a nice ring and forget the rest. I’m not going to put a number but they were very very very generous and I’m extremely grateful. I don’t take it for granted.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:08 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Who is buying the boy in yeshiva a car and gas and insurance if they are sitting and learning ?
The majority under 26 do not have a car before marriage.
For girls also it’s very age specific.

They most certainly do. (don't know the arrangements as to who pays insurance, but our experience is that most of them buy their own car sooner rather than later. Maybe those that get engaged really quickly the second they are out of the freezer don't have one yet. But by the time they are there a year or so they have figured it out.)

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:12 pm

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

I’m going to add- I never heard of the sheitel thing. I thought it’s a chasidish “minhag”.

So the girls is responsible to buy the sheitels for herself?

If in laws don’t pitch in for sheitels it’s not something a girl loses out on. Her parents will typically buy it for her.
I think it’s become a way for boys parents to acknowledge that girls side has a lot more expenses when marrying off a daughter and assisting with it.
But the Sheitel is between machutim not the kallah.
So that wouldn’t really affect her either way

amother

Valerian

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:15 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Her parents or the local Tzedakah for Kallahs. Honestly, my whole class benefited from TDL.

And my parents never did FLOP. Always 50/50. They have a lot of girls and spent about 30k last wedding. (Was 20 by mine 7 years ago….)

amother

Canary

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:19 pm

I was an older single and had a very hard time with shidduchim because my parents were struggling and I refused to expect them to support me. Yes, I had a job but not a very well paying one and since I very much wanted to marry someone who would spend a few years sitting and learning I had an extremely hard time.
I was happy to feel valued by my chosson and future in laws. I did not need them to spend a lot on me. I felt that my chosson was my diamond and had very little expectations. I did get a nice diamond but a very small and lower end bracelet which didn’t bother me. To my mother in law, shabbos is very important and should be honored regally so she left a certain amount at the silver store and they showed me what my choices were in that price range. I didn’t get machzorim or a shaitel and it didn’t bother me. I was treated with warmth and respect and that’s what mattered more than anything. I had very little expectations. I only wanted to marry a nice person with yiras shamayim and good middos.
Most girls do have expectations but I was older so I guess I was different.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:29 pm

amother [ Canary ] wrote:

I was young, but I knew my inlaws were not of means. I received a simple bracelet, a ring, pearls, and candlesticks. I did not expect more.
Using some of the OP's examples, though, had my inlaws asked me (they didn't) I would have said that I'd rather less but nice gifts than more but cheap (which is what they basically did anyway).

If someone is limited I'd say skip the birthday presents, machzorim, and a cheap sheitel (let her figure that out on her own) and rather give her a standard diamond ring.

I also will comment that just because someone is valuing Torah and wanting to support a Torah life does not mean they are ready to live on the bare minimum. They will do their best to save and stretch a dollar, they may work hard and save in order to marry someone who will learn in Kollel, but they still want to feel like Kallah, welcomed and to some extent, pampered by their Chassan and his parents. It definitely does not have to be overboard, but neither does it negate the life choices they have made, just because they appreciate some nice things.

amother

Foxglove

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:36 pm

Not a newlywed but will chime in.
It's important for a girl to feel loved and cherished by the family she barely knows.
If you are sure you can have this conversation in a way that displays that, then by all means, don't go further into debt for these extras.
But if there is even a doubt that the message will be ill-received, the price of future therapy or whatever the emotional costs of that fallout will be, will hardly make it feel worth it.
A girl may say she is ok but not be so it's a tricky one.
But I do think it would be a wonderful thing to do if you can pull it off.
Also nice would be to save up slowly and at 5 yr anniversary or whatever, get her something special.
No doubt that we mean alot more.