I want to not be resentful, I want to do better for my kids

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:17 am

I grew up in NY very in town. I became frum and married a FFB guy. Not american.

Ive been reading these threads about things kallahs get, a dowry, money to set up an apartment..

My parents were very much of the mentality that if youre old enough to get married ur old enough to figure things out...I find that the frum world infantilizes kallahs.

I got a couch from wayfair, my dining room table and chairs are from my parents (ikea) bc they renovated and got fancier stuff, my milchig dishes and cutlery are from home goods, my fleishig dishes I got from home goods too but I havent even toveled them yet. ive been using 4 plates from my mothers storage she didnt need. I got my beds from a gemach...

I got chrystal candlesticks, a siddur, a watch, a real ring, and earrings from my in laws. they dont have money.

I feel resentful when I see these threads of kallahs complaining about what they didn't get. And I also get resentful of posters who say what they did get and how much their parents help them. I shouldnt have clicked on these threads and read them. I was upset going into shabbos and my husband got defensive because he asked me why I was upset and I stupidly told him.

Im married 2 years for reference. I have a small baby. I want to invest for her so that when she is a kallah I am able to give her what I never received. And I read on another thread that someone was able to buy a house because by the time she was married she had thousands saved since when she was a baby.

Any advice? or chizuk?

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:27 am

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

I grew up typical ffb and did not get half of what ppl did. I don't even care.
No person gets what isn't meant for them and clearly that wasn't meant for u. I focus on what I do have! Bh wonderful husband and children.

Yes BH I have a great husband and delicious baby! Smile

Were you ever resentful? How long are you married?
Maybe since Im married 2 years and I still have friends getting engaged now I see/hear what they get and its more "in my face"
or maybe im just a brat LOL

amother

Jean

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:34 am

You’re not going to like this.

I’m FFB ;(Nyer) and I think your parents are right

Gifts are nice, but feeling entitled is an anathema to me.

Sounds like you have what you need, and more.

Sounds like you married young (despite your BT background, which lets admit, is not nothing) and have a healthy baby. This is everything.

Let go of your resentment. It’s not warranted and frankly, it’s not serving you well

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:41 am

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

The only advice I have is to stop reading imamother.

lol I kno
but regardless, even without imamother, this is what the frum world does. mothers, MILs and kallahs write here their experience. whats the difference if im reading it or seeing and hearing it in person?
people talk when theyre engaged about what they get

even something like a birthday present from a MIL or a gift after a baby. I dont get birthday presents from my in laws and I have friends who get nice stuff on milestones

amother

Thistle

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:42 am

I hear you OP.
My husband’s family isn’t wealthy so I was okay letting go of a lot of the kallah gifts. I didn’t feel comfortable taking more than they could give. I’m happy with my decision.
My challenge is more about my dream to have started off living in EY with my husband learning full time. This would have been possible if my DH”s family was able to support. One of my siblings is able to live this dream because they have both families supporting them. It’s hard for me to think about sometimes, but I’ve gotten better at really believing that Hashem has placed me exactly where I’m supposed to be. I gotta embrace it. Maybe one day once we’ve made it ourselves we’ll be able to live that dream. I’m still hoping for it!

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:43 am

amother [ Jean ] wrote:

I got married at 25. not really "young" in the frum world. shidduchim was very difficult as I didnt have my mother doing research for me. I am resentful of everything I had to do during shidduchim (talk to shadchan, advocate for myself, research etc. I tried asking my rav and his wife but they got busy and had their own kids to deal with...)

yes bH I have what I need. but im trying to let go of resentment
do u know how I can give it up?

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:45 am

amother [ Thistle ] wrote:

thats also my dream. dh started to work since I was in school.
its still a dream to make aliyah one day.

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:46 am

amother [ Seablue ] wrote:

Honestly, it appears that you have an unhealthy anxiety around money.
Learning chovos halvavos shar habitachon has helped me tremendously. Living in constant worry about your future financial state or constantly comparing to others is a hard way to live and unproductive.

Where did I mention money? I was referring to gifts. But yes we are struggling financially most months and worrying about putting food on the table so Ill check that sefer out. This past shabbos dh actually mentioned he wants to learn something with me

amother

NeonOrange

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:47 am

OP, you got a lot. Candlesticks, a siddur, a watch, a real ring, and earrings.

I'm FFB and didn't get much more. I did not get a ring (by choice), I did not get a watch (never came up). I got a gold wedding band (long lost), a pendant necklace, and earrings. DH got me a leather siddur.

My in-laws helped set up our apartment with cheap mattresses, Craigslist furniture and old unused pieces from their basement. My pots and dishes were all from a Gemach.

There was no dowry, no chunk of money to invest in our apartment. We are married for almost two decades and still have no concrete way to buy a house.

And you know what? I don't think it makes much of a difference after a few years. Those who are blessed with parnasa and a more frugal mentality are able to save, those who are not as blessed and/or are not as frugal eat up all of their savings.

I also find it funny that you are complaining about infantilizing kallahs and at the same time want your daughter to have a down payment ready for her for when she gets married IY"H. I hope you are able to give that to her, but be aware that it will not make her life struggle-free, even financially. We all get our challenges.

amother

Steelblue

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:49 am

I’m a typical frum ffb. I got all the typical things, but no birthday presents from MIL and all the extra baby presents.
I think all these presents are more of a Chassidish thing. It’s completely out of hand. I know people who didn’t know that their husbands had to collect money to afford all these gifts.Kallah decked out in diamonds that their in laws collected for. Girls are getting more spoiled by the minute

amother

Jean

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Therapy!

(Not joking)

As I said im FFB and I got married almost a decade later.

I Have friends 2 decades older than you not married

You’re looking at the wrong people. You’re focusing on the wrong things.

You need to work on your midos. But also, therapy.

amother

Valerian

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:51 am

I got married with enough, but no extras. I didn’t get furniture or a lot of clothes. my pots, dishes, bedding etc came from Gemachs. At the time my parents didn’t have extra, my husband’s parents didn’t have extra. We come from very Large families. I was OK with not getting more. But…three years later, my best friend got married. Her parents were of means and she got the best of everything. Lots of clothing, furniture, high quality bedding. I was not resentful to my parents, but my jealousy was so intense, I nearly lost my friendship with her. Partially because she didn’t realize how much better her financial status was compared to mine. But BH, it’s many years down the road, and my husband and I have been able to buy beautiful things for ourselves. We have furniture and a home- and china, and beautiful bedding. I also BH have a beautiful friendship again- though it did take some years to repair. Iyh, I hope to be able to give my kids more than I had. For now, I think you should work on getting yourself some nicer things, within your means. It will make your relationship with your friends smoother and you really need to have nice friendships at this stage of your life. Investing is good too, but being positivity into your current situation.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think your lifestyle sounds a lot more normal than the people getting thousands of dollars and fancy furniture as newlyweds. It sets up unrealistic expectations for life and the overemphasis on gashmius doesn't sound all that frum to me.

You and your husband are doing things right. Don't get caught up in what others are doing.

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 12:51 am

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

I also find it funny that you are complaining about infantilizing kallahs and at the same time want your daughter to have a down payment ready for her for when she gets married IY"H. I hope you are able to give that to her, but be aware that it will not make her life struggle-free, even financially. We all get our challenges.

thanks for the chizuk
you are right, I guess I want her to feel special like a kallah and also feel like everyone around her and not feel different, since I felt so different in shidduchim and even now amongst my peers. But money doesnt buy happiness. A kind, handsome and frum chosson is the real prize. Thanks for the subtle mussar Wink