Please help. How will I do it? (emotional post)

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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PinkFridge

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 2:47 pm

amother [ DarkOrange ] wrote:

I spent a number of shabbosim alone when I was an older single. It's tough but I managed ok.
My tips:
Make shabbos at the regular time, not early.
Try to have good food, maybe treat yourself to a bottle of good wine if you enjoy that. Use disposables only to make things easy.
Have as much reading material as you can. I had a hard time concentrating on longer books, so I'd buy all the frum magazines. I made sure to have a shabbos lamp next to my bed so if I couldn't sleep, I could at least read. I stayed in bed late if I wanted, usually with my favorite iced coffee I'd bought special & my reading material.
Eat lunch late to break up the long afternoon.
If it was good weather, I'd go for a walk, sometimes Friday night (obviously only if you live in a safe area), usually 2x during the day. (If you do have a friend to invite or visit, that makes a huge difference, though I usually didn't. When I say I spent Shabbos alone, I mean alone-alone.)
Plan something to look forward to when shabbos ends--like renting a movie you want to see or ordering pizza.

And OP, I really don't want to think of this possibility, so I'll speak hypothetically. Let's say someone tried this and wasn't 100% successful. I vote she should still let herself enjoy the movie and pizza and pat herself on the back for however long it lasted (however little it might be) or her attempts to get back on the wagon (successful, beH).

PinkFridge

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 2:48 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

I didn't read all the replies so maybe this has already been said but what about some "less forbidden" activities such as a detailed art project?

Let's go with this. What kind of similar activities wouldn't be forbidden at all?

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 2:55 pm

Obviously I don’t know the circumstances and it is not my question to ask. Is it possible to have one or 2 single/divorced (without kids at least for the weekend) friends over for Shabbos?

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:43 pm

I buy old romance novels from thrift stores and read them on Shabbos if I’m feeling down. I would rather read through a whole stack of junky novels than go on my phone. It’s not the best choice though since it puts bad images in your mind, so please don’t do what I said.

I’m working on breaking my phone addiction and I noticed that if I strictly limit screen time during the week, I don’t have a taiva on Shabbos as much.

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:54 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Let's go with this. What kind of similar activities wouldn't be forbidden at all?

Perplexus
Kapla (not fun just for little kids!)
Solo games of Set

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:09 pm

I think I would lock My phone in my car for shabbos. Maybe buy a very big puzzle like a thousand pieces or 2,000 pieces and spend time doing that. That's very time-consuming.

amother

Silver

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:30 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Let's go with this. What kind of similar activities wouldn't be forbidden at all?

Maybe something like diamond art? Probably not the same as using an electronic device (and considering the OP's struggle).

PinkFridge

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:32 pm

amother [ DarkMagenta ] wrote:

Kol hakavod to you and continued hatzlacha.

amother

Viola

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:35 pm

I'll never forget my first shabbos alone.
I slept. I ate minimum, don't think I even made shabbos meals. I stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling and went to sleep.

amother

Oxfordblue

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:39 pm

Can you go to a friend or family for this shabbosim? Load up on books, lots of good food, take walks, arrange to visit people. Spend as much time as you can out of the house and with others. Also try to sleep a lot.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:04 pm

Not sure if this helps, but I have spent many Shabbatot completely alone. I'm a giyoret, I had no Jewish family members and for some time I had to live in an area without a fully functioning Jewish community. So, Shabbat was alone at home time. I'd prepare especially nice food for Shabbat, read for hours on end, sleep a lot and go for walks. The latter was a bit tricky because there was no eiruv of course, so I had to check every item on me, empty my pockets and wear my key as a hair clip. Anyway, I found those Shabbatot very relaxing and I enjoyed the quietness and the sheer amount of time for thinking, but I'm an introvert anyway. It was before phones were a thing (yes, I'm that old) but I was never tempted to switch on the tv or radio.
B"H, these days I've got my own family and they never give me a quiet moment, Shabbat or weekday. Sometimes I secretly wish for just an hour without any people, noise or harassment.

imasinger

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:54 pm

Another possibility to make things work --

Sometimes, if you write out a plan for the day, it's helpful. Include everything you might possibly want to do, overschedule, so that you can enjoy the guilty pleasure of opting out in favor of that book, puzzle, or game that you decide to continue.

Here's what a sample day might look like:

8 - wake, dress, go to shul
1130 - set up for lunch/go out to lunch
At lunch, study ____ (whatever learning you might want to print out, or read), sing ____ (if you like to sing).
Bentch
After lunch, read and nap.
2:30 - start new puzzle/game
3:30 visit ____, go for a walk
4:30 home to read ____,
5:30 _____ invited over to chat/play
6:30 shiur
8:00 mincha, shalosh seudos
8:30 - home stretch, whatever you will enjoy most for the last bit.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:04 pm

imasinger wrote:

This is an interesting point. OP, are there shuls in walking distance you'd love to check out (singing, speakers, maybe a scholar in residence one of those solo weeks)?

amother

DarkOrange

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:09 pm

Making a schedule is not a bad idea, but be realistic about it. For example, eating a Shabbos meal on your own takes maybe 30 minutes (or less).

amother

Holly

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 10:03 pm

Think of a place where you can put the phone and you won't be able to access it on Shabbos. In the car, leave it at work (may not be applicable at all) lock it in the mailbox... whatever.
As hard as it will be, think of how amazing you will feel at the end of that Shabbos knowing that you didn't touch the phone at all.
I've been through similar challenges, I know this is the only thing that works.

amother

Almond

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 12:56 am

I like this two pronged approach of putting your phone away from temptations and also planning it as a pamper yourself me time. Get nice food, nice flowers, bingeworthy reads, a good bottle of wine, sleep in in the am, a walking partner, sit out in the sun, invite someone else who might be lonely for afternoon snack or shalosh seudos. And as you get closer to havdallah when you will be just wanting it so bad, do not be alone, go outside, talk to anyone you can find.

amother

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:45 am

amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:

Obviously I don’t know the circumstances and it is not my question to ask. Is it possible to have one or 2 single/divorced (without kids at least for the weekend) friends over for Shabbos?

I dont have any single friends or any divorced friends that dont have kids. So while this is a great idea, wont work.

salt

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I dont have any single friends or any divorced friends that dont have kids. So while this is a great idea, wont work.

Do you have married friends with/without kids? If you like the idea of having company, have them over instead.

Mama Bear

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:44 am

Dear OP:

I cant even imagine what youre going through. This is really difficult.

((HUGS))

Mama Bear

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:48 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Maybe something like diamond art? Probably not the same as using an electronic device (and considering the OP's struggle).

same aveira. chillul shabbos is chillul shabbos. ther'es no less forbidden thing when it comes to chillul shabbos.

another idea I had is maybe volunteer to spend one of these shabbosim with a choleh or a lonely older woman etc., maybe even for pay. If youre gonna be alone at home maybe this would be a great way not to have to be alone at home.

Or maybe even try to find a shabbos job at a camp or bungalow colony? etc.?

Maybe try to find a family who needs a babysitter? in your house or theirs?

The possibilities where to be for shabbos are vast.

((HUGS))

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