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Forum -> Parenting our children
I’m at my wits end… homesick DD
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:29 pm
She's young and might not be ready for sleepovers. Can you hire a mother's helper so you don't have to send your kids away after the baby?
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amother
Ultramarine


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:34 pm
amother [ Melon ] wrote:
this age child needs a mom's listening ear, PP this could take a toll on OP's mental strenth.

if this is not an issue then consider leaving her home.

Maybe it's just me, but when my kids are away from home, or I'm away from home, I still need to give them my listening ear, and I find it more draining over the phone.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:39 pm
heidi wrote:
She shouldn't have to be away. Or sleep over anyone's house if she doesn't want to. It sounds awfully selfish of you to be at your wit's end because you want to go away. She's a young child who needs her parents. She should be your priority


This is quite judgmental. Sometimes parents have to go away. And it's healthy for a child to go away once in a while.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:40 pm
I was a terribly homesick child, I went to camp the first time at 13 (in the UK for only 2 weeks) and didn't stop crying, I begged my parents to bring me home. Girls were mean, I didn't like the food... Eventually my parents managed to arrange a way home but by then I started enjoying it.
As I got older I went many times to camp and my friends always laughed how I was the most homesick but as I got older I volunteered for many shabbatons and went to camp many times but I got used to the fact that the change is difficult for my and the first night I barely sleep
It is very difficult for the child and I think you should just be understanding to her on the phone so she still feels loved and supported and as long as she is in a safe place, remember it is just an emotion and handling these emotions help build us stronger for life.
Hatzlacha!
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She’s 9.5. We live in Lakewood.

She’s not in camp. Talking about an overnight or shabbos at a friend. Etc.


Not every kid enjoys leaving home and being away from their parents, even for a shabbos or overnight with a friends. I have 1 teen that tried it and hated it and another who has literally never done it and has no intention to.

Why are you at your wits end? What's so terrible they stay home?
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:43 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
This is quite judgmental. Sometimes parents have to go away. And it's healthy for a child to go away once in a while.


There is absolutely nothing emotionally unhealthy about a child only going away with a parent.
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amother
Begonia


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:20 pm
This was literally me as a child. To a T.

She’s definitely just not ready to be away from home yet. I highly recommend giving her more time. Perhaps discuss what about being away makes her uncomfortable. I think I had some irrational fears connected to being away, and I think having some coping skills would have been helpful. Starting with sleeping at someone she is really comfortable at is a very good idea—it’s almost like practice for going elsewhere. Again, at this age, she’s probably just too young.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:20 pm
I think OP means while she is in labor/in the hospital and her husband is with her.
So she needs her daughter to be ok with someone else.

OP, I get it.
I was also very homesick.
My mother had outpatient surgery when I was a similar age. She had arranged for me to sleepover by my best friend so she could rest at home the night after surgery.
I was miserable.
Eventually my father picked me up during the night.
I feel bad for my mother now that she couldn’t be free of responsibility post surgery that night.
I don’t know if my separation anxiety was healthy or unhealthy - but I know that I needed to be home with my parents.
Of course, if my parents would have been in the hospital- I guess that wouldn’t have been and option. I still would have been home sick though.
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amother
Ultramarine


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:24 pm
She might do better with a babysitter in the house, so that she doesn't have to adjust to a new place in addition to being without her parents.
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amother
Lightcyan


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:35 pm
Keep her home. The only way she can overcome homesickness is to grow up feeling secure and loved. Pushing her to leave home will only increase insecurity.

If I’m invited to a simcha and I’m told I can’t bring my kids, I stay home. They are my first priority and everyone understands that.
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amother
NeonPurple


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:06 pm
My son is 10 and would also never want to go away from home. Maaaaaybe to grandparents, but I’ve never done it because I don’t have the option. I totally get it, and so far I’ve never had to send him away bh. When I have a baby, my kids stay home as it is easier on all of us. The stress would not be worth it to me. I’d rather get help in other forms.
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amother
Begonia


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:17 pm
amother [ Ultramarine ] wrote:
She might do better with a babysitter in the house, so that she doesn't have to adjust to a new place in addition to being without her parents.


This!

I was much more comfortable staying in my environment at home then going elsewhere if my parents had to go out.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:05 pm
Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.
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amother
Lemonchiffon


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.

There are parents who lo aleinu are in treatment etc and even if the children are not ok there really is no choice.
And they hopefully receive therapy to help them deal with it all.
Op it's ok if you aren't handling things and need your space. But please avail your daughter to whatever help she may need to deal with the fallout of it. Expecting her to be ok or hoping to get tips on imamother to get her ok, is just not fair to her.
Some children are ok with sleepovers and that is wonderful.
But not being ok at age 10 is hardly strange. If you're indeed forced to make her do it anyway please be nice to her about it.
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:25 pm
A child with a history of trauma, such as divorce, can be expected to be even more sensitive. Most parents get a break by having a babysitter, not by leaving their kids in someone else's home. I'm sorry op, it sounds like you have a lot going on. I think a lot of us are trying to explain that your expectations may need to be adjusted.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:49 pm
First of all, b'shaah tovah. I can relate. I went through a period at the same age when I did not want to be away from my mother who unbeknownst to me was (lehavdil) having health problems. I must have known that she was not herself. I refused to go to day camp and even walked home from school at lunchtime to find her. Fortunately, yours is for a happy reason but she may be sensing that things will be changing at home (for the better!). Despite the fact that you are probably super busy and finding it hard to focus on her now, is there any chance the two of you could go have pizza or lunch together? You could emphasize how super proud of her you are and how you are looking forward to her being a big sister and to watch her teach the new baby wonderful things. You can tell her realistically that the first few months are going to be a little tough in case she doesn't remember from the last child and that you will need her to be extra patient. After the baby is born maybe your dh or a grandparent can take her to pick out a baby gift and maybe she can make a scrapbook or welcome home signs for you and the baby. If it's possible to ask a favorite aunt to look out for her that would be great and maybe you and the baby could "send" the other kids a special shabbos party or treat while you are away. If she needs to stay with family while you are a kimpeturin, can you have her help pack so you can discuss any concerns she has and sneak in a card or little surprise for when she opens it? Also, if you are able, would probably help to call from the hospital. Hopefully, this will resolve as she gets older and more confident. Good luck.
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.


In that case sounds like more of an issue of feeling abandoned ( by her father ) and insecure than homesick. Is she in therapy?
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:09 pm
Motherhood is sacrifice. It’s wonderful to take space for yourself and some have the option to do it, doesn’t sound like it’s a good time now (beyond labour and delivery). But if she spends nights with her dad can you take space then?
Your example was so you can go to a simcha. Maybe I’m extreme but I haven’t left my kids overnight unless to give birth in 12 years
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amother
Bone


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.


Taking a break and sending your daughter a way is two different things …
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.


Welcome to imamother. Where everyone is perfect (martyrs) and chas v’shalom never leaves their big kids for a night. I've only encountered this attitude on imamother. Not IRL. Please do what you need to do with yourself without feeling guilty. Kids need a mentally stable mom.
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