Disappointing RSVPs for Simcha

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lovemymom

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 12:00 pm

Life of bitachon, prompt 3 the second question from today relates very much to this topic.
732-719-3898

watergirl

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:41 pm

amother [ Peony ] wrote:

I mean, it's not your business but it boils down to this: Two of our children have medical complications* and sometimes we wait months for specialist appointments. If a specialist's secretary calls up two days before your simcha and says "we have a cancellation, can you come in on this day at this time" and it means we can't come, but it also means getting in to see the specialist (and get things moving for the next stage) two or three months earlier, I don't really feel that I have a choice.

It's unfortunate but that's life. I will drop everything and take the appointment, unless it falls on another specialist's appointment - and even then DH and I will do everything we can so that one of us goes to one and the other to the other (provided it's not the same child needed for both appointments).

I don't go to most social events and would not prioritize one over a simcha.

The other reasons we might not make it: Because of all the specialist appointments we had to switch our work schedules such that we work crazy hours (to make our bosses happy even though we need so many accommodations because so many appointments are last-minute "you can come in today" and fall on work hours) and I am alone with the kids that evening/ DH is alone with the kids. If it is me alone I will try to come but shlep the kids with me (babysitters we never manage to find). If it is DH alone good luck he doesn't take the kids anywhere alone.

Or, we are sick. And you don't want our germs there anyways.

*You don't know unless we told you. They are in regular schools and seem normal, impulsive kids.

So you have extenuating circumstances, and I was pretty clear I was not referring to those. I'm referring to people who are waiting to see if something better comes along.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:44 pm

I don’t look at it as something better. Bec I’ll stop by 2-3 events a night sometimes
It’s more how is life playing out that night.

For a best friend or close family of course I’ll make it my business to be there.
But if I’m from the other 300 I’ll see what I can do.

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:51 pm

amother [ Peony ] wrote:

First, your situation is definitely a special situation. I think most would agree and understand that.

(Although - I'm guessing specialist appointments rarely pop up at night or on weekends which is when most simchas happen).

Second, you can still let host know your intention. "We would love to attend and plan to be there but as you know, things come up often with our kids so please forgive us if that changes." OR, "I am just too uncertain of everything going on with the kids right now. We would like to be there. Do you think it would be okay if I let you know a few days before?" OR if people don't know about your situation and you don't want to share, simply reply NO. Anything is better than a simple, unexplained 'we'll see". It conveys such a lack of caring.

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:55 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

But if you're stopping by just for a bit to wish mazel tov isn't it better to respond to the host, "I plan to stop by to wish mazel tov; but please don't count me as a yes" so that nobody is stuck paying for meals nobody will eat and tables nobody will really sit at?

amother

Magnolia

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:56 pm

amother [ DarkYellow ] wrote:

Chasidim just do 125 couples and that's it. It's more than enough. But they do send out the invitations.
No RSVP because it's a given that only family, best friends and classmates (maybe) will eat there

I have never been to a chassidish wedding that had so few people. Maybe CERTAIN chassiduses, or certain chassidim, but I don’t think it’s a general chassidish thing.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:57 pm

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

I send back “I hope to stop in to wish Mazel tov please don’t reserve a portion “
I’m guessing for op that is counted as a no bec it is keeping her head count really low.

amother

Peony

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:57 pm

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

Weekends, no, nights yes. But we are in Israel so "weekend" is basically Friday afternoon through motzei Shabbat.

Sunday is a regular workday. And yes there are appointments often until 7:30-8pm, and if they are in a different city than the simcha then it becomes difficult to near impossible to get to the simcha on time or at all (no car).

For your second point, criticism accepted.

amother

Peony

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:59 pm

watergirl wrote:

So you have extenuating circumstances, and I was pretty clear I was not referring to those. I'm referring to people who are waiting to see if something better comes along.

Since BH no one is hospitalized, nothing is terminal, and everyone is BH basically healthy, I don't see it as extenuating circumstances, just regular life.

But I guess each person defines that phrase differently.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:59 pm

amother [ Magnolia ] wrote:

I have never been to a chassidish wedding that had so few people. Maybe CERTAIN chassiduses, or certain chassidim, but I don’t think it’s a general chassidish thing.

125 couples per side is 500 ppl

125 x 2 (husband and wife) = 250 x 2 (chassan and kallah side) = 500

Is that a small wedding!!!

amother

Magnolia

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:30 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

125 couples per side is 500 ppl

125 x 2 (husband and wife) = 250 x 2 (chassan and kallah side) = 500

Is that a small wedding!!!

You’re right, I thought that was the total!!!

zaq

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:17 pm

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

Maybe it's just cultural, but I really hate the attitude of "we'll see". Except for in very specific extenuating circumstances people should be able to give a clear yes or no when invited.

Quite. You have to give the caterer a figure. Sure, the caterer can manage to squeeze in a few extra if they show up, but within reason. "We'll see" is like no RSVP at all, and it leaves a bad taste in the host's mouth. So often "we'll see" or "I'll let you know" is French, not for "my son is in shidduchim and if the girl's grandmother gets out of the hospital, her parents want the lechayim to be that evening" but for "If I have clean underwear and nothing more attractive comes up and I can get a ride there and back, I'll think about putting in an appearance."

amother

IndianRed

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:38 pm

OP wanted to ask how you are? How is your child who's Simcha it is? I hope that friends just didn't get a chance at sending in the RSVP cards. How are you handling this situation?

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 6:11 pm

Op, I just made a simche. Each and every no hurt me. Hearing a no from people I really wanted to be there was even more painful.
At the end, at the simche, I was so happy to see the people who came, that I did not think about the people who didn't come.
I hope you will have a beautiful simche and enjoy every minute of it.
Mazal Tov!

ra_mom

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 7:57 pm

mha3484 wrote:

If your a relative or a very close friend I’ll make it a priority to come even if it’s very challenging.

But…I get invitations from people I like a lot but are somewhere between acquaintances and friends and if I come home from work on time and my kids are not being crazy I’m happy to come wish a mazal tov but my life is super stressful and committing to a whole evening is not always something I can do.

In such a situation I write back Mazel Tov, I look forward to dancing with you at the wedding! Please don't reserve a seat for me at dinner.

amother

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:20 pm

amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:

OP here....thank you for asking how I'm doing! You're right....each "No" stinks. One poster commented (and then apologized) that we "scraped the bottom of the barrel" for people to invite. We certainly didn't! Each invite was given a lot of thought and care. And we really want people to attend and share in our simcha! (NOT to impress people with a large simcha...I don't care about impressing anyone lol. But, the poster apologized and I really appreciate that. Apology accepted!)

We sent our over 200 invites...singles, couples, families. That was how we got to the number of 400. Obviously, I didn't expect all to say yes! We were just hoping for more, and some "no's" were very disappointing. One "no" of someone local was very hurtful (they told us our simcha could never be as nice as one they made, so they weren't coming.)

The child who's simcha it is is much calmer. We had a few really great "yes" replies, which has been very exciting for everyone.

I do understand that gas prices are crazy high right now, and people are reluctant to travel. I'm certainly not upset at anyone for not attending, and will happily attend their future simchas.

It will be beautiful, even with a small crowd

kenz

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

One "no" of someone local was very hurtful (they told us our simcha could never be as nice as one they made, so they weren't coming.)

Be thankful you aren't spending money on them.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

One "no" of someone local was very hurtful (they told us our simcha could never be as nice as one they made, so they weren't coming.)

I think that is the rudest, nastiest thing I’ve ever read

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

One "no" of someone local was very hurtful (they told us our simcha could never be as nice as one they made, so they weren't coming.)

Nothing should surprise me anymore in this life, but for some reason I'm just stunned somebody said this. Pathetic.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:46 pm

Lets be real, grown adults who say things like that are severely emotionally impaired adults. I would never consider them normal again.

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