Cons to living OOT?

amother

Peru

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 12:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Aside from being far from family & less kosher amenities what are the cons to moving OOT?
Specifically, for really small OOT communities (<150 families) but also larger communities.

You have more of a spotlight on you. While this can be a nice thing, some people have a hard time with it. If your husband misses minyan-its noticed. If the ladies organized a shiur and you didnt come-its noticed. If you decide to dress your child a little differently-whether tznius reasons or otherwise, its noticed. You have less of an ability to fade into the background when you want to.

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:11 pm

I live in a tiny out of town community, and a lot of what people are mentioning don't apply to my city. We have a few shul, a few Rabbonim, our school is not great (but decent). I don't mind the lack of kosher restaurants or conveniences- I definitely don't starve living here!
For me, the biggest problem is the lack of people/funds. For example, a few.mothers want to organize swim lessons for their kids, but there aren't enough kids around during the summer to make it affordable. In big cities, there are often enough kids signing up for these types.of extras that they can be relatively affordable. But sometimes, here, especially in the summer, it seems like there aren't enough people here to make anything actually work.
Shabbos in the summer can be hard for my kids.
Other than that, I love my out of town community. I'm originally from NY and everytime I go back there, I think, " remind me again why people want to live here!"

amother

Coffee

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:56 pm

I live in a large OOT city and have a friend who lives in a much smaller OOT community about an hour and a half away- relevant because some things are more doable with a much bigger city nearby. For instance, if a family has special food needs and their community stores don't stock the kosher versions, you make a drive every so often to the big kosher groceries/seforim store/tznius clothes shops.
There are so many upsides to being in a small place but biggest issue seems to me that there aren't school/babysitter options. Like, there is one playgroup for 2s, 3s, and if you don't like how the Morah runs things, you're out of luck. Same with the older kids in school. Sometimes, you can frame is as a positive like you have more motivation to make things work so you develop better relationship skills and middos. But if a vert small city is good for you really depends on your values and priorities.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:18 pm

Not necessarily a Jewish aspect, but just practical. COL is lower but so are salaries. Also, you often need 2 cars in a lot of these more out-of-the-way places, so you're not saving quite as much as you think. That bigger house you got for a steal also comes with bigger utility bills. Plus a lawn and yard that need to be maintained, which will cost you either time or money. I don't think any of these are necessarily reasons not to move, but they are important considerations to think about, especially if you're crunching numbers. You wouldn't be the first to get excited about lower home prices only to find yourself with sticker shock at the utilities or the costs of filling, maintaining, and insuring 2 cars when before you had zero.

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:54 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

There are a lot of generalizations in this answer.
this is obviously totally dependent on where in the country you live. I have no idea who made up the myth that salaries are lower out of town. It depends on what city you live in and what your field is. Some professions are flooded in the NY metro area, others are not, its a big generalization.

Regarding the house size, that's another big generalization. Most cities will have housing of all sizes. I live in a house that's probably only a little bigger than the one I lived in growing up in NY, but with half the yard. Some regions also have lower utility costs- it can be regional.

Signed,
Someone who lives in an out of town community that only has one car.

amother

Burntblack

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:25 pm

Quote:

Even though I have posted in this thread about cons, I really love my smaller OOT community. I've lived here for over a decade. It is friendly and warm, not materialistic, and there is so much opportunity to get involved and make a difference in a small community. Please don't get the wrong impression from some of our posts OP.

Yes, 100% agree.
I have my gripes about the education here, but there are many other people that it doesn't bother.
Putting that aside, I live in an amazing community. You can't compare the quality of life you're getting here to anything "in town", it is just such a different way of living. And ultimately that's what pulls people to move here and stay

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:43 pm

if the community shrinks significantly it impacts every aspect of life (minyanim, school size/class size, resources). Our OOT small community is shrinking and we have to leave because of it, and moving again is not something we are looking forward to doing - and the kids are really not happy.

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 6:27 pm

I want to ad something: I think that the school in my tiny out of town city isn't particularly good. The teachers are great warm, caring, dedicated. Some of them are more skilled at teaching than others .

The curriculum is outdated. The administration and the way the actual school is run is a bit of a mess. In my particular situation, it works for my kids, and I feel strongly about not letting the school interfere in the chinuch of my kids! Very Happy

I feel that the benefits of living in my particular city and the environment my kids are growing up in outweigh the sub-par school-- for our situation. But obviously not everyone feels that way and we have been losing families because of it.

amother

Dill

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 6:39 pm

Depends what type you are, but for us one issue was not a lot of families having the same hashkafos we do - can become a big issue as kids get older if most classmates have tv, movies, internet and you want your kids to have more limited exposure. Another issue is shidduchim - your kids may get more no’s since in town families may think your kids may not be a good fit, and a lot of in town families may not want the hassle of dealing with a far oot family because it’s hard to do research (they don’t know people you know), and the travel logistics can be intimidating plus they don’t want their kid to have to split YT in some crazy yehupitzville place.

amother

Leaf

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:37 pm

I know that you already mentioned living far from family in your OP. I want to expound on that. I live in a larger oot community that is a full days drive away from my entire extended family. We moved here almost a decade ago when our kids were babies and we went knowing that we would be far from family.

Close to 10 years later, it's a lot more than that. Our kids are growing up far away from their cousins and grandparents. We usually visit twice a year but it's a very different kind of relationship when distance is a huge factor. The kids are resentful that they rarely see their cousins, and we've missed just about every single extended family simcha.

More than that, once the kids are past a certain age, moving becomes a big decision as it really impacts the entire family. It's not simple to move back with older kids (forget about getting into schools). Boys have very limited options locally past 8th grade and, whether they're ready or not, they are shipped off to yeshiva for high school. Most girls move to the east coast after seminary since there are very few options locally. Sleepaway camp is necessary from a relatively young age as there are no options during the summer past age 10 or 11.

Sorry for rambling. Point is that when you're young it's easy to forget that kids grow up and that there are challenges with older kids oot. There are many benefits but it's definitely worthwhile to go in with your eyes wide open.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:15 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

I’m assuming you don’t live OOT. I do, in a big house with 2 cars. Even with the “extras” that you’re talking about, COL is still a fraction of in town. Obviously this depends on what city you’re talking about, there are OOT places that are expensive, but when rent/mortgage is $1-2K/mo cheaper, those expenses you’re talking about don’t even begin to make a difference.