A small takeaway from the women's event - didn't go

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Forum -> Interesting Discussions -> Inspirational

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amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:36 am

Hi everyone!

Not looking to stir up politics. I didn't go to the women's event because I have a smartphone and I have no intention of getting a flip phone.

However.

It occurs to me that the hoopla about smartphones is a rehash of the hoopla about television back in my day. And you know what? They weren't all that wrong about tv. The things I was exposed to as a child was... not good. And there are videos today that I've watched with my kids that aren't all that great either.

My problem is that I do think that it IS ideal not to have internet in the home. There's tons of gross stuff everywhere, and no one is immune. I stare at my phone far too often, and have such a hard time putting it down. These little things, like putting your phone away for dinner or for one hour, etc, etc, don't really seem to work long term.

So basically, I feel sad because the ideal is to have no internet, and I think that's very true, but it's just not a possibility. So what does that say about me as a parent? Or me as a growing person? How can I reconcile my ideas with my actual behavior? It's like knowing that eating non-kosher is bad, but I have a cheeseburger every night.

I'm not looking to put down anyone. I have tons of internet! I'm on it right now! I'm just trying to figure out how to co-exist with eating cheeseburgers and keeping kosher. I am not nearly strong enough to put it away. How can I get better, that doesn't include throwing out the internet cold turkey?

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:37 am

How about having a filter?

Why the black and white?

amother

DarkCyan

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't have an answer, but just want to say this post resonates with me. I feel exactly the same.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:43 am

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

I don't have an answer, but just want to say this post resonates with me. I feel exactly the same.

Same here!

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:43 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

How about having a filter?

Why the black and white?

I filtered all my devices for my kids, but I'm fully aware that half the things are getting through these filters. My own phone has a filter, and I'm not watching anything particularly dirty, but there's so much out there that encases you that you don't realize.

For example. I used to have instagram. And one day, after one of these asifas, I deleted it. Instantly, I was buying less clothing, for myself and my kids. I stopped yearning daily for jewelry. I stopped overcooking for shabbos from recipes I've seen and overdecorating. Even something as innocent as following frum people on instagram filled my life with a lot of gashmius that I didn't even realize was a huge part of me until it was gone.

Imamother is great too, but in small doses. I don't want to say more than that, but even things that seem perfectly okay aren't always okay.

I guess I'm just sad that I don't really have the strength to give it up.

liveandlove.ima

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:45 am

Have your additive apps locked when kids come home, dinner and bedtime, or after certain hour at night. Like now? Lol
I'm all about the happy medium and love your positivity!!

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:48 am

liveandlove.ima wrote:

Have your additive apps locked when kids come home, dinner and bedtime, or after certain hour at night. Like now? Lol
I'm all about the happy medium and love your positivity!!

I know my own passcode, and I bypassed it! Maybe I should make my husband put in the code, but there are so many addictive things! Stupid games, texting, whatsapp, imamother, shopping, etc. I'm really not a shopper but sometimes you have a simcha coming up and you can spend no joke like five hours browsing just for clothes for everyone!

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:54 am

There's a great app called Present Mode - https://play.google.com/store/.....gl=US
Can help with limiting phone use.

To deal with internet usage in general I think it's good to sit down every so often and go through your browsing history and app usage.

The internet is a tool, and (more dangerously) it is entertainment.

If possible, it is good to severely limit internet use for entertainment purposes. That is when the internet is most risky.

So one simple thing to try is to move most internet use over to apps. An app is limiting to a certain extent, which is great. Browsers make us feel that the whole world is open to us. So download a travel app instead of searching on Google. Use your bank's app instead of logging into the website. That also helps stay focused when going online for a purpose.

Some apps are inherently problematic, like Instagram, YouTube, etc. Lock them or limit them.

Try to make sure you have entertainment options for yourself outside of the internet. Books, magazines, puzzles, games, music, whatever.

And for kids, a whitelist filter (everything is blocked EXCEPT these websites) is the only way to go.

amother

Lightcyan

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:58 am

No genius advice here but same.

I try to limit my social media and shopping to my laptop and not have them on my phone; that helps me not be on it as often. Apple also has some great tools to set app limits or block apps (under screen time in settings). I have all my entertainment apps under a collective time filter so I can only be on them for a limited time.

I think self awareness is great and important, but don’t put yourself down. For wtvr reason, this is where you are now, and you’re aware and trying to find your middle path.
I’m trying to find some good way to tie it into your mashal with the cheeseburger and it’s not mamash working. Bear with me.
I don’t think everyone is supposed to be outside and down the block from the McDonald’s. Some of us are working there or ran in to use the restroom (you get my gist), and are trying our best while we’re there.
That’s all we can do.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 2:26 am

First of all, I just want to say that I'm impressed with your clarity of thought.
I find that many times when someone struggles with a particular nisayon or challenge, they will find a thousand excuses that justify their actions and why it's not applicable in their situation. Being defensive becomes their coping mechanism. Because otherwise the guilt is too large and too heavy to bear, and they lack the clarity to look at the situation objectively.

We don't need to be perfect right away. It's human nature to struggle. But we should strive to keep the ideal of our beliefs in front of us at all times, without looking for sources to placate us. We can accept that this is our struggle and admire those that had the courage to act upon those beliefs. The natural outgrowth of this is, that one day we will want to do better ourselves.

amother

Freesia

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 5:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I might be naive hear, but I would hope this asifa is also to inspire cutting back, stronger filters etc. Many of the events I have been to have been along those lines.

mitzva

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 5:42 am

Thank you for being so positive.
The event gave people what to think about, instead of thoughtlessly living their lives the same way as the day before.
(It was an inspirational event any way I look at it, unless you expect for events/people who make it to be malochim)

sequoia

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 5:47 am

I have a very old phone (6s), and there’s no room for anything on it. So by necessity I only have things I absolutely need — Chase, Bolt (it’s like Uber), Google Maps, Telegram. There are a lot of apps like youtube that I simply can’t download.

So there’s a thought...

benny

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 7:08 am

I think this is the exact purpose of the event. To inspire ppl to do better. Not to get rid of internet across the board no matter what.

amother

Kiwi

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 7:43 am

Im going tonight and have no intention of completely giving up my smartphone. I'm hoping to be inspired to limit my usage of it though.

amother

Broom

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 7:56 am

following

amother

Latte

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 8:05 am

@OP
Good news is that you can still go tonight! (if you manage to snag a ticket)

Last night's was the Yiddish event.

Your post was very well put and resonates with me alot.
I also have a smartphone and internet at home (I work from home).
I'm also going tonight and have no intention of getting rid of either one, but I'm hoping to come home inspired and uplifted to have the strength to make the right decisions even if it's tough.

Just the fact that my children see the effort I'm putting in to schlepping out at night and that my husband is missing his night seder to babysit shows them the value we both place on strengthening ourselves in this area.

Saying goodbye to internet at home isn't as simple as throwing out a TV, unfortunately.
Even if I would stop using my smartphone, my husband's not tossing his any time soon.

But I hope and daven that I can still raise pure, happy, ehrliche children despite this, with the appropriate boundaries and outlook.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 8:13 am

It's really really difficult. The only way to change is to do it in small steps. Read the book atomic habits.
There are also technology support groups. You can contact penimi to sign up for a group near you.

I appreciate this thread because the other thread kind of made me feel like I'm the idiot for struggling. Seemed like people think that internet is neutral and if you are a good person you use it for good and if you are bad you use it for bad. In reality it's so addictive and difficult to get out of once you are in it.

amother

White

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 8:17 am

If the internet wouldn't have a lot of very positive features then we wouldn't be struggling to give it up.

I think it's a bit naive to say it's all bad and there's no benefit to it at all.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 8:37 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

If the internet wouldn't have a lot of very positive features then we wouldn't be struggling to give it up.

I think it's a bit naive to say it's all bad and there's no benefit to it at all.

Yes! Even something like Netflix and Prime video has some good. It's a good way for me to relax at the end of a long day. it has some good shows and movies that I've watched with my husband on date nights that were positive to our marriage. It's fun to discuss and analyze with friends and relatives. It helps me cope when I'm depressed. It keeps me motivated when I have unpleasant chores to do. It helps me cope when my husband works long hours.
But I watch far too often. I wish it were a once a month kind of habit. Not almost daily.

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