12yo DD dislikes compliments

amother

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 6:57 am

amother [ Hosta ] wrote:

I don’t like compliments. I just don’t need it. I know myself, my worth, what I’m good at, what my talents are. I don’t need for you to mention them.

I hear you. I don't think it's applicable here though. She's often saying she's not good at anything and putting herself down. I appreciate your pov. Thanks.

amother

Dill

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 7:21 am

My daughter the same age never acknowledges the compliments I give her. I don't expect her to, the important thing is that she heard me. I remember being the same way, not knowing quite what to say when someone complimented me and also being a little embarrassed to have attention focused on me.

I would never stop complimenting her though. I did change the way I compliment her after a teacher pointed out at PTA that in her preteen moodiness she is likely contradicting my compliments in her own head.
When I compliment her now I do it in a way that she can't refute. Like, that was so generous of you to offer to take your younger sister to the park. Or you were so organized and responsible, you remembered to take water bottles with you.

Also because at this age kids are starting to learn who they are and about themselves, I purposely use words to teach her about herself. So she will come away with knowing that she is generous, organized, and responsible (in these examples).

amother

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 8:44 am

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

Op it’s compliments, not complements.

Thanks for the correction. I actually thought it was spelled with an I but my autocorrect wrote it like that so I assumed it was correct and left it :-)

amother

Bottlebrush

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:00 am

What about staying away from compliments that are a 'burden' aka complimenting helping, being mevater, being responsible, capable,mature, generous... just compliment her showing her that you appreciate her very being not just what she does. Personally I feel it is so important to compliment girls (prob boys too) on their looks. It helps them have a positive body image. I tell my daughter shes gorgeous all the time 'where did I get such a gorgeous daughter from' ' I cant get over how beautiful you are' etc other things like you're so creative, fun to be around, such a good friend, so loveable, understand people so well, I love your jokes, I'm so proud to be your mother, you're smart, I like the way you figured that out, you run so fast!, I love your smile, you're so cute, you have such a nice voice I love listening to you sing, I love listening to you learn etc

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's the praises (usually one phrase in a whole conversation) that I say "thanks so much you are so helpful etc" or "you acted so responsible to take care of such and such" etc ..

I'd make eye contact on her level and say thank you Sara. Warmly, sincerely. Short and genuine.

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:14 am

My feeling is that she's pushing back because you're complimenting because you have to and it's the right thing to do. I had this with my teen at the same age. It took time but I learned how to get into her shoes, and feel her pain or happiness or her view, before responding. I learned what real empathy and connection is. My daughter responded well and our relationship blossomed BH.

sigree

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:16 am

I don’t really like compliments either; probably because I have a lot of self doubt. One thing you can do OP, is write the compliments in a card or quick note. This way she doesn’t have the pressure of you watching her reaction

amother

Phlox

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:23 am

Sometimes when my mother complimented my good/helpful behaviors it came off to me like I was being trained - I felt like a dog getting positive reinforcement. I mean, yeah, we are supposed to do positive reinforcement with kids. But if it comes out sounding forced or phony, it can feel like dog training. I don't know any other way to put it. I just remember thinking that the compliment was too big and too exaggerated, and clearly was just meant to make me keep doing what she wanted me to do, rather than sincere and well-earned appreciation.

amother

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:27 am

amother [ Phlox ] wrote:

Yeah I understand that. I'm not really one to exaggerate though. It's more like a thanks plus me describing the action with a positive character trait for her. Very understated. But in any case she obviously doesn't appreciate it like that, so I'm going to try something different.

Thanks for all the advice!

singleagain

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 9:41 am

Is it possible that words of affirmation and compliments are just not her love language.

I am admit I do not have children but I have been a teenage girl and words never did much for me you know showing appreciation through one of the other love languages might be more beneficial in this case words never did much for me you know showing appreciation through one of the other love languages might be more beneficial in this case

behappy2

Fri, Jun 24 2022, 10:08 am

I had this exact issue with my son.

One thing is that I think he felt pressured to reperform that act or live up to that compliment.

I really stopped complimenting him for a very long time. And I think I was using it as an incentive and as a self esteem booster, both of which he may not have appreciated.

I was just wondering now if I do or don't compliment him. I think I do very sporadically and genuinely. He recently even asked me for a compliment.

So there's hope. Let it go and connect in a way that she wants to connect. And you can always compliment in ways that don't feel like a compliment.

For example is she cleans up the room you can later say to yourself "ok. This is great. Clean room. Now I can work" in a very neutral way, as if she isn't there.