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I need help with 12 yo DS, devastating family
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BaltoMom65




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 10:58 am
I'm so sorry for you and your family. I'd recommend boot camp/ ROTC
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amother




Ballota
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:08 am
Meds. He needs medication. It will literally save his life, he needs to get his emotional health in check so he can become a functional teen and adult, husband and father. I don't care if he refuses, bribe and beg until he takes medication.
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chayamiriam




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:13 am
Boot camp is the worst possible idea,guaranteed to make your son hate you more and turn away from Yiddishkit
He is vulnerable to abuse too!!
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momtra




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:18 am
That sounds really hard.
I have nothing to add, except that please talk to your other children - let them know that their brother has very big emotions and this is how he is showing - let them know that you are there for them and will make sure they are safe
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amother




Gladiolus
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:21 am
LALA2 wrote:
Yes I would like to look into CST...can you suggest or pm me? Ty so much

I'm not in your area so I don't know how much I can help you. I have heard the name Ken Frey in NYC supposed to be amazing.
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amother




Lightcoral
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:22 am
I would try spending time and connecting with him as a first step if you are not already doing that and getting him a mentor.

Other ideas here are good too.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:45 am
Have you looked into PDA? It is a subset of autism that is not really diagnosed in the US but this may help you help him. https://www.pdanorthamerica.co.....egies
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amother




Jean
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 11:50 am
Hugs, op, and those in similar situations as well! My 12yo son has many similarities as well. However, his life became so miserable (we all hated having him around and that was terrible for his esteem) that he became willing to take meds. I can’t say meds have been a magical life saver for us, but they do make a big difference. If I were you, I would not focus on the adhd first, especially since it is now summer. Rather I’d focus on stabilizing his mood somehow. Different kids manifest differently, but he may need an anti-anxiety pill or anti-depressant or mood stabilizer. After that settles down a little, then you can concentrate on adhd. I do not have knowledge or experience with pandas, but you can try that route simultaneously.
Do you have family in town that can help you through crisis moments? When my son gets so unbearable, we send him to live with relatives for a few days. It is our only sanity. And I know without it, I will snap and end up doing something to him that I will regret. You can also use this idea as a way to coerce him to take meds; “if you don’t take these meds, you will need to live at grandparents’ house in the meantime.” I know it sounds cruel, but if you and your family have suffered the way we have, it is for everyone’s good in the long run.
Much Hatzlacha!
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ddmom




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:00 pm
I urge you to look into Avi Fishof twisted parenting. It gives me tremendous chizuk.
Your son is sick, he doesn't have a physical illness but an emotional, mental and spiritual illness. He empowers parents to deal with their KIP(KIDS IN PAIN).
It's hard,very hard but in my opinion the only thing that will work (in addition to a good therapist and the right meds.) Your attitude will have to change.
From the tone of your post it looks like it's an emergency to get him the right meds. Don't try anything "natural" or "homeopathic " you don't have time,or the energy to convince him to take meds that have a very high chance of not working.
You can pm me for more details.
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amother




Ballota
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:15 pm
ddmom wrote:

From the tone of your post it looks like it's an emergency to get him the right meds. Don't try anything "natural" or "homeopathic " you don't have time,or the energy to convince him to take meds that have a very high chance of not working.

This a million times. Please please please OP- recognize that your son needs some help stabilizing, he may not be producing enough dopamine, there may be some chemical imbalance. It has been clinically proven over and over that kids who get psychiatrics help (meds) as young adults do far better as adults. Please don't wait another second.
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amother




Topaz
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:15 pm
Similar struggles with our DS. As a toddler and in early grade school he was always moody and difficult. By 8 years old he was refusing to go to school because he saw other kids get away with it. No he was not abused in school. We had to switch him. He was more and more angry. We took him to different therapists and even had him on meds for a while for anxiety. The meds briefly worked and then didn't. He was tested for ADD but was borderline. We tried meds for that but they made him worse. He became obsessed with the tablet and computer games. We used tablet time as a reward which didn't work because consequences of him not earning a reward was hell for everyone. Then we set a limited time he didn't have to earn on electronics and allowed him to earn more time as reward. This was difficult to manage because we were constantly micromanaging, explaining or bargaining. Tried reward charts. All this is so much more difficult when one parent is invested and the other is too warn down to stay consistent. He would regularly throw screaming, physical tantrums. Eventually, we dropped all requirements for tablet or computer. He has full access but we do have limits to what he can do. We became just so tired. He does have a good side. He can be funny. He likes to be on time. He likes to get all his school work done and is very independent this way. He does act nice to his siblings sometimes and does share events, ideas and feelings with us. He is not demonstrative at all in showing affection though. He manages his own bedtime and wake time very reasonably well. He doesn't stay up all hours of the night. But our hope for a yeshiva bochur is completely gone. We have to accept him for who he is. He has quite a temper and can't seem to manage it too well when he is over the edge. I can't see him living independently though. I don't know what the future holds. He's in his mid teens now.
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amother




Ballota
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:18 pm
amother [ Topaz ] wrote:
Similar struggles with our DS. As a toddler and in early grade school he was always moody and difficult. By 8 years old he was refusing to go to school because he saw other kids get away with it. No he was not abused in school. We had to switch him. He was more and more angry. We took him to different therapists and even had him on meds for a while for anxiety. The meds briefly worked and then didn't. He was tested for ADD but was borderline. We tried meds for that but they made him worse. He became obsessed with the tablet and computer games. We used tablet time as a reward which didn't work because consequences of him not earning a reward was hell for everyone. Then we set a limited time he didn't have to earn on electronics and allowed him to earn more time as reward. This was difficult to manage because we were constantly micromanaging, explaining or bargaining. Tried reward charts. All this is so much more difficult when one parent is invested and the other is too warn down to stay consistent. He would regularly throw screaming, physical tantrums. Eventually, we dropped all requirements for tablet or computer. He has full access but we do have limits to what he can do. We became just so tired. He does have a good side. He can be funny. He likes to be on time. He likes to get all his school work done and is very independent this way. He does act nice to his siblings sometimes and does share events, ideas and feelings with us. He is not demonstrative at all in showing affection though. He manages his own bedtime and wake time very reasonably well. He doesn't stay up all hours of the night. But our hope for a yeshiva bochur is completely gone. We have to accept him for who he is. He has quite a temper and can't seem to manage it too well when he is over the edge. I can't see him living independently though. I don't know what the future holds. He's in his mid teens now.

How many mood stabilizing/ anti depressants has he tried? It's often trial and error until the right one is found and the right dosage. Don't give up hope, he sounds like a responsible teen that has a future ahead of him!
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amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:20 pm
Look into NVR therapy (developed by Haim Omer).
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DustyDiamonds




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:37 pm
OP I can’t imagine the pain you’re experiencing! May Hashem help you and your son quickly!

I will echo the others who say you don’t have time for natural routes. I have a SIL who went down the pandas route for years; it takes ages, there is little medical support, etc.

And I have seen adults and children whose lives have been transformed for the better with medication.

It’s a fairly low risk. If he takes lithium or an SSRI or anti-anxiety, and it doesn’t help, switch or discontinue the pill. Any potential side effects will go away when you stop the pill or within two weeks of stopping it, depending on its half life.

From your story, I would not worry at all about medication’s side effects, not his hashkafahs or shemiras hamitzvos. Your job is to help him be a stable person!

Would you worry about tref food or that he may get a rash from a wool blanket in the only rehab facility that can take him, if a person is addicted to narcotics? Derech Eretz, which means living normally, comes before Torah.
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amother




Slategray
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:43 pm
ddmom wrote:
I urge you to look into Avi Fishof twisted parenting. It gives me tremendous chizuk.
Your son is sick, he doesn't have a physical illness but an emotional, mental and spiritual illness. He empowers parents to deal with their KIP(KIDS IN PAIN).
It's hard,very hard but in my opinion the only thing that will work (in addition to a good therapist and the right meds.) Your attitude will have to change.
From the tone of your post it looks like it's an emergency to get him the right meds. Don't try anything "natural" or "homeopathic " you don't have time,or the energy to convince him to take meds that have a very high chance of not working.
You can pm me for more details.


From what op describes I really disagree.
I mean parenting strategies are always good to know but this is not a parenting issue. It's a health issue.
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amother




Buttercup
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 1:28 pm
If you are in a place where the police will deal with the child, force him to go to the ER and get medicated, then do that. In some places in the US that is what police will do. Stop him being violent and get him to the ER and then you say if you want to come home you agree to be medicated. If you won't be medicated at home you will be medicated in the hospital and stay until you are stable and cooperative.

Please look into this. And I will repeat what others have said, you have no time for natural or homeopathic stuff anymore. You need this child medicated and fast.

(We have one too. Rispiridal is the only thing that helps. It doesn't give us a perfect child, just someone who can be worked with instead of a violent monster. ADD, ODD/ DMDD. BH ours agreed to medication.)
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amother




Orchid
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 2:14 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
From what op describes I really disagree.
I mean parenting strategies are always good to know but this is not a parenting issue. It's a health issue.

I wrote:" your son is sick" sounds like we're saying the same thing! Scratching Head
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amother




Slategray
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 2:20 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
I wrote:" your son is sick" sounds like we're saying the same thing! Scratching Head


I'm telling op to look into brain inflammation.
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motherfrmisrael




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 2:35 pm
I am so sorry for you OP. However, please remember that your son is not cruel. He obviously has a lot of challenges, and although it may be hard to accept, but he is the child, and you are the adult. It is your responsibility to guide him through this hard time, to be his support, his rock.
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amother




Amber
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 2:55 pm
LALA2 wrote:
We have been to psychiatrist who recommended meds, the psychiatrist was via zoom, gave blanket ADHD dx and pushed meds, im not excited about psych meds as I see a lot of side dffects etc.. but he refuses meds and it will be a horrid battle.....he has a "therapist" in school but all he does is buy him treats and prizes, claims has to establish rapport....., tried rewards, punishments etc, but he is completely uncontrollable/ unmanageable, every single thing is a battle that I cant win


Meds can be a huge bracha when they are warranted. Adhd meds have done wonders for my child. Child is in a much better place now and so much more functional. Very low doses can do wonders with very minimal side effects.

About him refusing meds, can you use something really motivating?
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