Im the worst mother 😔 😢

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:08 am

Dd 10 been asking me how are baby is born since we spoke about her body changes recently.
She told me she looked for pictures, while doing homework, how a baby is born and is freaked out.
Shes trying to push it out of her mind but can't and is feeling guilty. I am feeling guilty that I didn't watch her all the time but trusted her doing homework.

Any tips how to help her?

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:12 am

1. get a better filter on the device she is doing homework on. That can really scare a kid and it's only the tip of the iceberg.
2. Tell her to relax, she was born that way, you were born that way and you're both perfect. Take the stress out of it by being more casual about it. Also tell her that by the time she is married, she'll be ready for this. She doesn't need to worry about it now.

gootlfriends

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:14 am

She is 10 and wants to know. Tell her without getting graphic. We did it for my 11 and almost 9 year old when they asked. She has a right to know. And it goes hand in hand with physical changes. You get your period when your body is ready or getting ready to have babies. It's biology. The wonder of becoming you talks about it I think.

amother

Beige

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:15 am

For starters, if she’s asking, it’s time to tell
Her. She’s old enough to know. Best it comes from you

amother

Obsidian

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:15 am

OP, you are not a bad mother. It's understandable that you were unsure how to respond to these questions right away. The fact that you discussed her body changes with her proves that you are a good mother and doing your best.

I think the best way to deal with this going forward is to sit her down and apologize that she saw pictures that frightened her. Explain that they may have looked scary but reassure her that when she's older it will make more sense and seem less scary and you are here to answer any questions she may have. Please consult with a professional when she has tough questions in the future.

Please know that she is too young to have unsupervised internet time for this reason. I would advise that you sit with her whenever she needs to use the internet, or even better, you do the research for her homework and print out whatever information she needs.

This is also a great opportunity to discuss the dangers of the internet with her. Make sure she understands that there are bad people in the world and she may never ever access the internet without being accompanied by a trusted adult.

amother

Seablue

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:18 am

1) Have a real talk with her about body changes

2) get her off the unfiltered internet, or better yet get her off the unsupervised internet. You’re lucky, she could have found so much worse!

amother

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:34 am

Worst (or maybe nearly the worst)mother here.

Thanks for your comforting comments. Defenetly makes me feel better.
We spoke about body changes because she's started developing recently, so she knows about the changes. I was shocked and upset when she told me she looked for pictures and she's freaked out and she got that from my reaction. I told her how beautiful it is to have a baby and the miracles Hashem makes for each baby to be born. And the reason I didn't want her to see pictures is because not age appropriate, not because there's something wrong or negative. If she'd have been older she'd not be freaked out.
So yes, no more unsupervised homework time, the dangers of the Internet she's learnt about.

I hope I'm not as a terrible mum as I thought I am.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:34 am

Did you talk her through what she saw? Did you address her fears and worries? Yes, you should have told her how a baby is born earlier (I could be wrong but it sounds like you were uncomfortable and brushed her off) but it's not too late.

You said she feels guilty. Did you explain that she has nothing to feel guilty about? Age appropriate curiosity + easy access. She didn't commit any crime. Edit: Ok it's too late now but yes, ideally you shouldn't have been shocked and upset. You can still apologize and explain that it was an automatic reaction but you don't want her to think there's something bad about childbirth or about looking for information about it. You didn't realize that you gave her too much free access so really it's on you.

(That's just stuff for you to say to her, I'm not trying to pile any more guilt onto you. You will both be fine. Really!)

If the images disturbed her and she can't stop thinking about it then coach her to notice what she's thinking and accept it, then move on to some other thought. That always works for me. Sometimes I am disturbed by my own thoughts and freak out for a moment but then I remember that it's really ok and I can calm down. Ok, there's a thought that I'm having, let's move on. What doesn't work is trying really hard to stop thinking about it!

amother

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 10:50 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Thanks
I did tell her how a baby is born
And yes I shouldn't have reached shocked.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 11:01 am

You are not the worst mother OP!

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 11:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You’re a great mom if your daughter felt comfortable enough to confide in you. Very similar happened to me when I was your dd’s age, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mom. So I was freaking out inside and terrified of the future. I wish I could’ve just spoken to someone about it and get reassurance.

DustyDiamonds

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 12:35 pm

amother [ Foxglove ] wrote:

Agree, as long as your daughter comes to you with issues that frighten her, you have a good relationship! She feels that you’re a safe person! You’re a great mom!

I might add: if you looked for medical photos of adults going to the bathroom, or blowing their nose when they have a cold, or putting in eye drops, or changing a bandage after getting a bruise, etc, the photos would also be freaky! That’s why some people choose not to be doctors or nurses, or even butchers, this stuff makes them feel uncomfortable, and that’s totally normal. It’s weird to see photos of close-ups of other people’s body parts.

amother

Currant

Wed, Jun 29 2022, 1:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Have you answered her actual questions?
If she asks and googles it, you are supposed to tell the truth.
Explain what she saw in the pictures, so it doesn’t scare her anymore.

You cannot keep pretending like nothing has happened.

BTDT and it was worse than by you.
My daughter googled some words she heard outside and saw awful things.
It is sobering to have to explain such things to someone who is still a baby in your mind, but you can ask any expert: you need to be their first source of information!