New mechutonim think we're idiots

amother

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 10:23 am

Didn't want to put this in the simcha section.
Please help me come to the chasuna without being upset.

I keep telling myself that we agreed to the shiduch knowing that parents are difficult.

Just didn't expect to be treated as if we're totally dumb.

I gave what I gave to their child because I wanted to, and thought it was the right thing to do. Not because I'm loaded. I offered what I offered because I wanted to help. It doesn't mean it's financially easier for me than for them. I did so of my own will and happily.

I'm feeling deflated. I shouldn't be. I'm giving to my child. I'm giving for couple's future. I'm being myself and answering only for myself. Deep down I'm feeling miserable.

I can't tell my husband what my mechteneste told me. It would reflect so horrible on her. I'm stuck with it in my head. Ech.

amother

Chicory

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 10:41 am

dont let them live rent -free in your head; its plenty a nisoyon to deal with them as is

protect yourself by not discussing with your family or friends.
most wont get it and you'll hear from the grapvine "sury doesnt get along with her mechutunim"
irrelevant if your mechutunim are known as difficult people or disturbed or greedy

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 10:44 am

I have a close relative whose daughter's mechutanim were a nightmare to deal with. But BH their daughter is happily married, which is what matters most. And the couple does not live near the mechutanim (plane ride away).

That's really hard to go thru OP. I pray that my girls marry children from nice families who are easy to deal with (and it's a big question I ask when they are suggested boys).

It sounds like you are amazing and totally make up for what these people are missing. I'm so impressed that you focus on doing the right thing, what's best not only for your child but for the child you are B"EH bringing into your family. I hope and pray my girls marry into families like yours.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 10:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to say that you are awesome for keeping this to yourself when it isn't easy. My mother has complained to me about my ILs forever and my ILs complain about my parents to DH. It's very awkward. We try to shut it down but it's always temporary and then they're back to badmouthing each other.

amother

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 11:10 am

Thank you everyone.
I'm breathing easier now that I shared with you.
The chasson/ kalla seem to be perfect for each other. I promised myself to keep my cool with the parents, when we went into the shiduch. I will. I will. It's just doing a number on me internally.

Breathing is amazing.
Thank you

ora_43

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 11:21 am

Nu so tell us what she said Popcorn

OK but seriously, if there's anyone you can tell the story to without them knowing who it's about (ie say it happened to a friend), sometimes just hearing that it's every bit as audacious as you thought can be weirdly comforting. But kol hakavod for not telling your dh.

And of course you'll be happy at the wedding. Once the wedding is over, you don't have to deal with them anymore.

(assuming here that your kid isn't going to have to live near them)

amother

Lotus

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 11:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I really really admire your for keeping quiet. It takes real strength. My MIL doesn't stop talking bad about her michetunim, and by the time my sister in law got married, she already hated her MIL. She doesn't stop complaining about her and my MIL complains right along with her......
So you're really doing your children a favor my keeping quiet. Kol hakavod.

amother

Springgreen

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 11:53 am

So my parents are really difficult my mom specifically has borderline personality disorder and she's incredibly difficult to deal with. I know that she made things really hard for my in-laws when we were planning our wedding and setting up our home but I know my in-laws committed to a certain amount of money for certain things and they didn't budge and they created a lot of boundaries and they stuck with it. I really think that helped them deal with my parents a lot better.

My husband and I are perfect for each other and I am so close with my in-laws and I'm so glad that my in-laws went through with our shidduch despite knowing that my family was dysfunctional.

amother

Obsidian

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 12:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would love to be mechutonim with you. I admire your values.

amother

Steelblue

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 12:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Tell us!

amother

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 1:20 pm

amother [ Springgreen ] wrote:

I hope to have a good relationship with the dil.
The sun will come out tommow 🙂
Today is a hard day
Thank you all for letting me get it out of my system

ROFL

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 1:43 pm

Yes we have issues with the other side also. We try very hard when my daughter complains about them to try to give her the other positive side to see. BUT I really want to agree with her. Her FIL is so rich and so cheap. When he gives something he only give x amount and not one penny more ( even if the total cost go over. Of course if it less he never gives more money than actual costs ). We always make up the difference and we are not rich at all. We just support her in a way we would like her to be.
Then he opens his mouth and makes stupid comments to her.
We tell her to just stop getting angry. Be glad she loves her husband and they brought him up. And the best is if she ignores them to the best extent she can.

Mindfully

Thu, Jun 30 2022, 7:24 pm

amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:

Tell us!

Please DONT tell us. Ignore the gossipers here.
You have beautiful middos for not repeating it to ur dh.
TBH there can be no connection with the machatonim after Sheva brachos, at least for sure a minimum of nine months!

amother

Brickred

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:02 am

In the same situation. Wedding went well, but it was tense after and yes unfortunately over money to support the children. The mothers send texts to wish each other Mazal Tov on various occasions and I have sent a platter when the kids spent yontiff there, but we generally keep out of each other's way. We are in different towns which makes it easier and now the couple lives in a third place. I have every intention of playing nice once grandchildren arrive. It is important for the couple's Shalom Bayis but also I hope it will dissipate bad feeling. It's been hard to let past things that were said go, but if you can it would be healthier for all. Will try to take my own advice. Most of all, Mazal tov on the marriage and I hope they have many years of happiness.

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 8:15 am

You are wonderful that you are keeping quiet, if only for your childrens sake.

My mother and mother-in-law hate each other, and it really really hurts. 5 years later were still dealing with it.
I have to think ten times before saying something about one to the other.