What do I do about her hair & earrings?

amother

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 5:50 am

So after 3 boys I finally have a girl! Yay!! Mazel Tov! 🎀

I bought all the pink, got her ears pierced at 2 weeks old and acquired a growing hair bow collection.

All was going to the plan until she was about 13/14 months and she noticed she had earrings. That’s when the fun started. One day I noticed she was missing an earring and to my shock and horror I found it in her diaper. I ran to buy her more secure screw backs but no matter how many different types we tried she pulled them off. I started to get worried so we switched to teeny tiny hoops. That lasted for about 3 weeks until she learned to pull them off. So now she’s earringless and I’m concerned her hole will close.
I prefer not too wait until she’s older because my mom did with one sister and she ended up re-piercing them 4 times. For those that will surely answer wait until she’s old enough to peirce them because we have no permission to touch their bodies yada yada, we clearly don’t run in the same circles.

Her hair used to be smooth and shiny with a sweet baby bow or band. Then she noticed it and she constantly pulls everything off. Yes, my kids are sensory. Anyway, nothing stays on. I wouldn’t care but- yesterday someone asked me if she was boy (sans earrings or bow) and her hair is quite curly and fluffy but short. Basically, an adorable mess.
I brush it each morning and spray Johnson but it fluffs up within the hour. No pony, bow or headband has lasted longer than 10 minutes on her head.
I care because as a girl I had really curly hair and my mother didn’t care. I was super self conscious. I want my daughter to know that her mother cares about her looks. I guess I can wait until she’s old enough to care (she’s 18m kah) but I don’twant her looking back at her baby pictures and feeling bad. I know I did. She’s otherwise nicely dressed with cute shoes, until she gets dirty that is.

Looking for ideas. Don’t tell me to leave it alone, I waited for my girlie. My boys were always a mess (no yalmuka, no tzitus, no hats ect) but I thought girls are better at this!

imaima

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Girls still have an opinion.
Did you wait so long to make your girlie uncomfortable?

My kids could never tolerate anything in their hair, also not my girls.

amother

Honey

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:30 am

If she wears the earrings at night when she can't pull them off, that should ensure the holes don't close.
What happens if you don't brush her hair? As a child I had extremely curly hair and I always used to brush it, until I realized it made my hair frizz up. I also wish my mother had given me conditioner as it made a big difference as well. Or have you considered trying mousse? It might make it look neater.
You can keep trying with the bows/hairband and redirecting her hands as much as possible, but realistically it might just be a losing battle. Also if you put a bow on when they don't realize you are doing it, it takes much longer for them to realize it's there to take it off.
I found my girls from when they were around 1yr to 2ish were very into pulling their bows out. Then they started wanting to look pretty and were happy to wear things in their hair. My kids are also sensory and I find they are better with bows than hairbands. I think they feel the hairband more. I'm always finding hairbands lying around, but not the bows.

amother

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:34 am

amother [ Honey ] wrote:

If I don’t brush it it’s far worse. Mousse is a great idea actually! Will try. Thanks!

She’s far too smart she realizes everything. I distract her whileI do her hair but she still very aware it’s off in a minute. I can’t give her earrings at night it’s a danger she’ll pull them off in the morning.

amother

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:36 am

Iymnok wrote:

Just do your best to keep her hair out of her eyes.
Cute clothing will have to do. Also the socks and shoes.
Maybe leave the earrings out for a little so that she forgets about them, then give hwr the least bothersome ones you could find. That still may not work. We gave my daughter earrings for her 6th birthday. She is very happy with them and leaves them alone (mostly).

Thank you! I think I’ll try mousse.

I might just have to do that but with sensory kids I don’t think she’ll ready at 6, more like 10 Sad

amother

Poppy

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:43 am

None of my girls liked anything in their hair. Starting from a few days old they would take whatever it was off within a few minutes. Even once thry were 4 or 5 and liked the "idea" of it they would wear the headband or bow for a few minutes and then take it off. It's a sensory thing. I let them choose their own. Trying on every one in the store but no matter how comfortable they thought it was in the store off it went later!

Earings I can't help you with because I don't ear pierce babies. I wait to use it as a big "prize" later. Why waste it on a baby? Laugh

Never had to pierce any of my girls ears more than once. They were all old enough to care for the holes themselves when they were pierced (between 8 and 10 years old).

Back when my kids were little, baby girls clothes were very obviously girly so no one thought they were boys. I see these days the trend is to more androgynous clothing for babies. I have a policy of always assuming a baby is a girl if not sure. A boy mom won't be insulted that her little boy is "pretty" but a girl mom will if you call her princess a boy Tongue Out

Elfrida

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:47 am

You could try making a big deal about giving her earrings for Shabbos, but only if she doesn't touch them. Make it into a special treat, not an obligation. Once a week should be enough to keep the holes open. She might not be old enough to fully grasp the distinction between Shabbos and the week yet, though.

You can always laugh about the baby photos later, and tell her how you tried to give her earrings and headbands, but how she kept taking them off.

Ultimately, remember that she is a separate person, and has the right to be comfortable and dress how she wants (within halacha). You were upset because you felt your mother didn't care enough. She might be upset that her mother is always making a fuss about how she looks. Take her needs into account, and don't just try to give her what you felt you needed.

amother

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 6:50 am

Elfrida wrote:

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. Especially your last paragraph.

amother

Poppy

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. Especially your last paragraph.

It's an important perspective. My mother spent my childhood trying to give me all the things SHE had that she loved or that she wanted in her own childhood but didn't get. Piano lessons because she wished she could play (I hated them!) Pierced ears because her father didn't believe in them (I was a tomboy and removed them as soon as I could). Ice skating lessons which I hated. Sleepaway camp when I just wanted to stay home and read and hang out in the woods myself. I try to parent my children remembering that they are individuals with their own personalities, likes and dislikes

essie14

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:00 am

Elfrida wrote:

Ultimately, remember that she is a separate person, and has the right to be comfortable and dress how she wants (within halacha). You were upset because you felt your mother didn't care enough. She might be upset that her mother is always making a fuss about how she looks. Take her needs into account, and don't just try to give her what you felt you needed.

This is exactly what I was going to say. I waited a LONG time for my girl.
She's 5 now and she's definitely her own person. She's not an extension of me.
Kids know how to express their needs, we just have to be open to listening.
Re-piercing ears is not a big deal. If she chooses that when she is older, great!
Right now, she's saying she doesn't want the earrings.
You can take a video of you putting them on and her pulling them off for posterity 😉

Enjoy her and her unique personality!

amother

Gray

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 7:26 am

My daughter- 14 months old- has very short hair still, and won't tolerate a headband since about 7 months. She's had her ears pierced since she was about a week old, but even with that, many people have asked "what's his name?"
She does tolerate her earrings, so I don't have any issues with that.
I will say that since we started only putting her in dresses when we go out (which we've done exclusively since 9-12m size) everyone knows she's a girl now. Do you put your daughter in dresses?
I get my little girly girl look, without having to wrestle with hair accessories. And if anyone still thinks she looks like a boy 🤷🏻‍♀️

paperflowers

Fri, Jul 01 2022, 8:54 am

The goal of caring for curly hair shouldn’t be to “tame it” and make it smooth. You just want nicely defined curls if you can get them, and to keep it from knotting. Comb her hair when it’s wet (in the bath) and if you need to you can put it a leave on product. In between baths you can use detangling spray to get out specific knots but don’t brush her whole head.

It’s okay for her hair to get frizzy - it will look beautiful! You’re daughter will know that you care how she looks, but she needs to be comfortable and doesn’t need to look perfect. Her sensory needs and exploration are more important.