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Mil gifts makes me feel bad
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:26 pm
My mil is constantly sending over helpful little gifts, like storage containers, hooks for jackets, broom racks, etc. I know she is trying to be helpful, but it makes me feel bad like she thinks my house is so disorganized (which it honestly probably is). If she asks me I sometimes say no thanks, but when she offers DH he always takes it, and I feel so inadequate. Should I say something about it to DH? Or just suck it up because it honestly is helpful and she’s only doing it to be nice?
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:28 pm
Wow.
Speechless.
Sorry you are feeling like this but seriously MILs cannot win no matter what.
You know she’s doing it to be nice so take it at face value. Like if she finds something she likes she pays it forward.
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amother




Lightgray
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:30 pm
She probably means well. And its so thoughtful of her to try to make your life easier and more organized. Why choose to be insulted and feel bad? Be grateful, smile and say thank you.
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:31 pm
Or just tell her the truth nicely
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:32 pm
Or if Dh says yes then figure she is gifting him? Idk I mean it’s his house too
And you say these things are helpful and she’s being nice…
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amother




Skyblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:32 pm
My MIL does this but she’s just being thoughtful when she she’s something useful.
I’m a perfectionist homemaker so she doesn’t buy it because she thinks I’m inadequate.
She also buys it for the rest of her daughters/DILs.
Thank her and don’t feel less because of it.
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amother




White
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:33 pm
My mother gives us little household gadgets she finds & those are the most appreciated and helpful gifts. It doesn't reflect anything on our housekeeping skills. She often buys them for herself and thinks that we'd appreciate it as well, so she gets for us as well. I love getting such gifts. They're useful and have a purpose.
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amother




DarkKhaki
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My mil is constantly sending over helpful little gifts, like storage containers, hooks for jackets, broom racks, etc. I know she is trying to be helpful, but it makes me feel bad like she thinks my house is so disorganized (which it honestly probably is). If she asks me I sometimes say no thanks, but when she offers DH he always takes it, and I feel so inadequate. Should I say something about it to DH? Or just suck it up because it honestly is helpful and she’s only doing it to be nice?

Option 3: Reframe and actually appreciate it sincerely because it is helpful and she's only doing it to be nice.

I know how hard it can be to ignore (imaginary or real) implied criticism in a gift. But if you take a step back, either way MIL is aware of the state of your house. Either way this item will be helpful. Either way it will make your life easier in some way. The only variable is how you feel about it. Why not choose to be grateful and enjoy it?

(For all you know, MIL was very frazzled as a young bride, and only wished her mother or MIL would have cared enough to look for ways to make her life easier.)
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:34 pm
Maybe you can reframe and say your insecurities are upsetting you, believe me your mil knows what it’s like to be busy in your stage of life and doubt she is judging you
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amother




DarkMagenta
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:37 pm
If you're close you can tell her shyly that her household gifts are giving you a complex and making you feel inadequate in housekeeping. Tell her you love her and you know she doesn't mean it that way.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:44 pm
You'll never know what your MIL is really thinking. No harm in accepting the gifts graciously. Especially if they are the sorts of items you find useful! I do hear where you're coming from, but hey--free stuff.
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Fave




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:47 pm
As long as she didn’t get you a bathroom scale or a subscription to Weight Watchers, you’re good!
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amother




Green
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:56 pm
My mother always gets or offers to give these home organization gadgets that she found and gets for herself. It's like, she found something that made her life easier, and she wants to make my life easier is well. It's sweet. I could see how you might be unsure of the intentions when someone else gets you these things, but unless there are already major problems with your relationship, most likely it's a sweet gesture.
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amother




Bone
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:05 pm
Is she into these little gadgets? If yes, is it possible that she's constantly buying for herself and sometimes thinks 'for another few bucks I can be a thoughtful MIL'?

Maybe this is all about her hobby, not about your weakness?
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amother




Beige
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:08 pm
Or is she just very into these organizational products and loves them and when she has a good one she loves so much and you don't have one she gets it for you too because they are awesome, not to make any implied statement about your skills or habits.

Is this possible?
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amother




Clematis
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:11 pm
Op I hear you I would find those gifts hurtful too. Most people don't gift someone storage containers and hooks... I would 100% feel judged. If it happened once it's one thing but on a consistent basis she's sending a message.
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amother




White
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:16 pm
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Op I hear you I would find those gifts hurtful too. Most people don't gift someone storage containers and hooks... I would 100% feel judged. If it happened once it's one thing but on a consistent basis she's sending a message.


I don't agree with this, it's in the mind.
Unless MIL or mom is generally critical.
Gifting gadgets is an adult gift.
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amother




Lightgray
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:18 pm
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Op I hear you I would find those gifts hurtful too. Most people don't gift someone storage containers and hooks... I would 100% feel judged. If it happened once it's one thing but on a consistent basis she's sending a message.


I disagree. It's a normal adult type gift. Maybe mil loves organizing and thinks you would appreciate it too? I love giving people things that I find useful.
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amother




Beige
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:27 pm
Seeing how so many people agree that its a thing we do for mothers, daughters, sisters, bff's when we find these little things we love, maybe its just going over this way for you because you aren't satisfied with the level you keep your house. Most people love getting these for no reason gifts.

But if she is critical always and controlling then I can hear you. For majority of people it is really really not. Otherwise maybe reframe and enjoy the goodies.
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vintagebknyc




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 4:28 pm
My own mother does this and it's really annoying--I mean, you're likely younger than I am. I'm 56. It's absurd.
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