Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays
Yizkor if both parents alive
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

dena613




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 8:53 pm
Do people who lost, say a child or sibling, lo aleinu, say yizkor if their parents are alive?

Asking because I always see someone go to yizkor and think Both parents are hers (maybe they aren't).
Back to top

LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 9:09 pm
I was always taught that no, one doesnt say yizkor if both parents are alive even if another close relative (that one would say yizkor for) dies. When CV a parent dies then they say it for both individuals.
At the same time, someone I know says it when both of their parents are alive. So if this CV pertains to you- ask your LOR.
And my thoughts on things like minhagim over kaddish, yizkor etc- let each person deal with their loss how they need to. I dont judge and if I see something odd or unusual- I just assume they asked their own shailas. Mourning is very personal and painful.
Back to top

fleetwood




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 9:13 pm
My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.
Back to top

essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 10:36 pm
fleetwood wrote:
My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.

Yup. I say yizkor for my father and my stepkids say yizkor for their mother so DH is the only family member that leaves shul. People are so used to me being their mom that they always forget and my stepkids get strange looks and then people remember.
Back to top

L25




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 10:39 pm
fleetwood wrote:
My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.


same. my father died when I was young and my mother didn't say yizkor for many years because her parents were still alive.
Back to top

questionanswer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 03 2022, 11:02 pm
essie14 wrote:
Yup. I say yizkor for my father and my stepkids say yizkor for their mother so DH is the only family member that leaves shul. People are so used to me being their mom that they always forget and my stepkids get strange looks and then people remember.


I'm willing to bet that this is the case w op friend. Quite possibly one of her "parents" is really a step.
Back to top

lkwdgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:30 am
Unfortunately I have started saying yizkor a few years ago. I’m not understanding something. If one chas vshalom lost a child they don’t say yizkor for the child if they have their parents? The neshama deserves a yizkor. No?
Back to top

tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:38 am
I stay even though I have not lost family members. I say for holocaust victims and fallen Israeli soldiers. This is what my rabbi taught me to do
Back to top

GLUE




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:55 am
lkwdgirl wrote:
Unfortunately I have started saying yizkor a few years ago. I’m not understanding something. If one chas vshalom lost a child they don’t say yizkor for the child if they have their parents? The neshama deserves a yizkor. No?


I was told not to say Yizkor for my son because both my parents are B"H still alive
Back to top

imamothertoo




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 1:52 am
I don’t think one is supposed to say yizkor if they have both living parents. They can ask one of their parents( meaning the child’s grandparents) or a friend who doesn’t have a living parent to say yizkor on their behalf when they r anyway saying it for their own parent.
Back to top

Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 3:33 am
Dh wants but our rav said no, he was incredibly sad about this. The rav says that giving tzedakka iliuy neshama is the same level as yizkor
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 3:49 am
Chickensoupprof wrote:
Dh wants but our rav said no, he was incredibly sad about this. The rav says that giving tzedakka iliuy neshama is the same level as yizkor

That really is what it’s for. To pledge to give tzedaka.
Kaddish for the first year and on the yahrtzeit do more for the Neshama.
Back to top

lkwdlady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 4:15 am
At first I was reading this and I was astounded. How could someone lose a child or a sibling and not say yizkor?? I really never heard of this. BH I was never in this position. Now that I’m thinking about it, I say yizkor for a parent and honestly it’s one small paragraph. It really does make sense to do something l’illui nishmas the neshama. It’s more meaningful than only saying a paragraph. The small paragraph says that in the zechus of giving tzedaka bli neder, the neshama of so and so Ben/bas so and so should go to a higher place in gan eden.
Back to top

dena613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 8:35 am
Yes, so I was also thinking maybe her parents aren't really both her natural parents.
Or maybe she lost someone else chas veshalom and is saying yizkor based on her psak.I

Don't worry! I'm not going to ask her. Was just wondering
Back to top

chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 04 2022, 8:49 am
lkwdgirl wrote:
Unfortunately I have started saying yizkor a few years ago. I’m not understanding something. If one chas vshalom lost a child they don’t say yizkor for the child if they have their parents? The neshama deserves a yizkor. No?

I’m not sure about yizkor, but there is a minhag that people with two live parents don’t say Kaddish, I know a couple who lost a child, and the grandfathers said kaddish for him, I wonder if there is a similar allowance for grandchildren.
Back to top

snailmail




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2022, 5:01 pm
The reason not to say yizkor during the first year (I know its a minhag, so maybe some people do say it), is that the loss is still fresh and you dont need a reminder (yizkor) that you lost a parent. I am guessing that it is similar for the loss of a child - you dont need that reminder, just give tzedoka for their neshoma.
Back to top

Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2022, 5:35 pm
chanchy123 wrote:
I’m not sure about yizkor, but there is a minhag that people with two live parents don’t say Kaddish, I know a couple who lost a child, and the grandfathers said kaddish for him, I wonder if there is a similar allowance for grandchildren.


DH wanted to say kaddish or Rav told that it's allowed if his parents gave permission DH got the permission but he doesn't do it anymore because it was too hard for him. I think if u lo aleinu lost a child and still have parents u should ask a sheila.
Back to top

kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2022, 6:53 pm
When we lost a child our fathers said Kaddish for him for the year. We do not say Yizkor (bH we have parents). I’m sure our parents include our child in their Yizkor. It never bothered me, I was grateful to still have parents.
Back to top

shanie5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2022, 8:13 pm
DH lost a sister when he was young. They were not shomer shabbos. When DH became frum he asked his mother if she was going to shul to say yizkor. His mom replied "No, can you say it for me". So DH asked his rov and was told he should if t was ok with his father as well. So DH asked his dad and he was fine with it. So DH says yizkor for his sister and bh still has both parents.

BUT if either of his parents become frum he would have to have the discussion again.
Back to top

momsrus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2022, 9:13 pm
lkwdgirl wrote:
Unfortunately I have started saying yizkor a few years ago. I’m not understanding something. If one chas vshalom lost a child they don’t say yizkor for the child if they have their parents? The neshama deserves a yizkor. No?


A child’s death you don’t forget. You said yiskor to “remember” parents.

Same reason you mourn a parent for a year.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Attn parents of marrieds
by amother
21 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:39 pm View last post
PANDAS PARENTS
by amother
31 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 3:13 pm View last post
Do you give fancy MM to parents/in laws?
by amother
27 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 8:56 am View last post
Album - chossons parents
by amother
1 Mon, Mar 18 2024, 6:19 am View last post
Requesting specific room/accommodations at parents/in laws 21 Sat, Mar 16 2024, 9:51 pm View last post
by zaq