Youngest you would leave a baby?

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:48 pm

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

Are you looking to go away and want to justify going:not going when DH want to go?

You need to do what you are comfortable with and what works for you and not what others are doing.

I nursed until almost 2 so I was never apart from mine sans maybe 2 hours. My friend had twins and one had many complications and was in the nicu she ran between both and left each one for extended periods from day one trying to balance everyone’s needs. (Being home with one while the other was tended to by hospital staff or being at the hospital/taking that one to specialist-out of town, while the other was home with grandparents/aunt)

Yes.

I do think we need it though, and I have an older child who can't even fathom the concept of us going away.

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:50 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

You know that you sound very privileged right? Many if not most women HAVE to leave their babies all day by a babysitter their baby does not know at the beginning and is not family.
Many if not most mothers do this until their “babies” move out the house if not longer.

I have a few kids. One I left at 10 months old with a family member over Shabbas so I could have much needed quiet time for various reasons. Said child is no different to my other kids in regards to attachment.

Op if you want to have an attached baby then no. Don’t leave him/her. If you need the getaway for your sanity then 3-4 days left with someone they know from when they no longer nurse is not going to harm them.

I am not referring to a baby who is attached and clingy.
I am referring to secure attachment in the mother child relationship.

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:53 pm

gr82no wrote:

Everyone who is saying not younger than 18m what do u do next time you give birth? Or you make sure not to have them too close to each other?

My older one was away the night I was in labor. The day I gave birth, already slept at home with dh, and the next day I was already home.

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:54 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I think some of you are conflating attachment with separation anxiety. I wonder if the OP is as well.

OP, is the question whether your baby will experience separation anxiety in your absence? You said 'not interfering in healthy attachment' so I don't think so.

Yes, I agree people are conflating the 2.

I'm not, though.

I am referring to healthy attachment not separation anxiety.

You probably have good input that I'm looking for:)

amother

Petunia

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:59 pm

The earliest I ever left a kid was at 18 months. She was actually still nursing but I had booked this vacation six months before thinking that you would be finished nursing. I did not nurse her after that. I was actually between houses and living at my parents at the time so it wasn't a big deal to leave my kids there because that was their home at the time. Otherwise I've left kids from about the age of two. My current baby is 17 months. Nursing plenty, I don't think I'll be able to leave her for a long time. She's also not the easiest baby. I only leave my children at my parents where they are very, very comfortable and have lots of people around to keep them busy. I also have siblings around their age so for them it's not such a big deal.

amother

Catmint

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 8:59 pm

Machel wrote:

If I didn't nurse I absolutely would. I left my 3 month old for 24 hours with my husband for a self care trip.

Leaving the baby with his/her own father is very different!!!

BrisketBoss

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, I agree people are conflating the 2.

I'm not, though.

I am referring to healthy attachment not separation anxiety.

You probably have good input that I'm looking for:)

Right, so, secure attachment isn't that fragile. It can survive one trip for sure. Even a pretty long trip.

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:08 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Right, so, secure attachment isn't that fragile. It can survive one trip for sure. Even a pretty long trip.

Understood.
Thank you.

From what age, though?

(Off topic, but my older child is more sensitive, fragile, anxious, does not have secure attachment, which is why this is important to me)

HonesttoGod

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am not referring to a baby who is attached and clingy.
I am referring to secure attachment in the mother child relationship.

I know exactly what you are referring to and I said that if you are worried then don’t do it. However I do not believe it will affect it. 2 weeks away? Maybe. 4 days? Not at all. Especially if they are no longer nursing.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:10 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

For a baby that doesn't understand what's going on or the concept of time, 4 days and 2 weeks are basically the same.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am not referring to a baby who is attached and clingy.
I am referring to secure attachment in the mother child relationship.

You can't know how a baby will react to parents suddenly disappearing for afew days, no matter how secure their attachment is. You can't prepare a baby for this, even if you do tell them you'll be gone, they can't grasp it.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Understood.
Thank you.

From what age, though?

(Off topic, but my older child is more sensitive, fragile, anxious, does not have secure attachment, which is why this is important to me)

Any age. You're leaving for a few days and then coming back and resuming your role as primary caretaker.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:16 pm

I once watched a 3 month old baby that was exclusively bottle fed cuz the parents had to go somewhere (not vacation or enjoyment) This child refused bottles from me and after a few hours I was almost going to call the parents back when I tried feeding the baby while in the carriage and the baby finally took the bottle. So I would say even at such young ages babies definitely know who is caring for them.

amother

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 9:19 pm

amother [ Tiffanyblue ] wrote:

Hence my question.
Until what age can't they grasp that?

amother

Tiffanyblue

Thu, Jul 07 2022, 10:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hence my question.
Until what age can't they grasp that?

I think that not before 2.5 or closer to 3. I'm more comfortable saying that not before age 3. At that age, you can explain to the child that you'll be gone & you can make a chart for the child to take along & ask their host to hang it up and cross out with them every day till the day they'd be going home. This helps them to better grasp the situation.

amother

Royalblue

Fri, Jul 08 2022, 2:47 am

It’s funny because my parents left me for 2 weeks with a friend of theirs when I was about 8 and I have horrible memories from that time. I would think a child under 2 would have an easier time being left by grandparents or other close relatives then with random people. I would leave my young children with their grandparents and my kids are thrilled. Not too long though- not more then 3/4 days.

imaima

Fri, Jul 08 2022, 4:22 am

gr82no wrote:

Everyone who is saying not younger than 18m what do u do next time you give birth? Or you make sure not to have them too close to each other?

We do what we have to do.
But when I gave birth to my second, it definitely messed up my first child.

DVOM

Fri, Jul 08 2022, 6:09 am

I don't like leaving babys overnight until they're about 3.5 years old. That's the point when my kids can fully grasp that I'm leaving, but I'll come back soon. They can look at a calendar with me, cross off the days that I'm gone, speak to me over the phone while I'm away. I don't go for more than 3-4 nights. That's a long separation for a little kid!

I did have one separation that was longer (10 days) for surgery. I'm assuming your asking here about vacation.

tichellady

Fri, Jul 08 2022, 10:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My older one was away the night I was in labor. The day I gave birth, already slept at home with dh, and the next day I was already home.

That’s lovely but not possible for many women. I was in the hospital for five days after I gave birth

tichellady

Fri, Jul 08 2022, 10:34 am

I don’t think anyone really knows. You have to balance the benefit for you and your marriage etc and also do what feels ok for your family. I don’t think there’s a clear right answer here. Also kids are resilient.