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Does being concerned make it okay?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:01 pm
We recently saw MIL at a simcha, and she told DH that he and I both need to lose weight. This is true, but I was still horrified that she said it, especially about me. DH thinks it was fine to say since she said it out of concern for our health. I told him I would never ever tell my son that my DIL needs to lose weight, no matter how heavy she got. What are your opinions?

DH has really taken it to heart and is trying to lose weight now through diet and exercise. I'm tempted to put on another few pounds just to spite MIL but don't want to punish myself so I'm just ignoring her. I'll lose weight if and when it suits me.

(FTR, MIL was overweight herself for the last few decades but recently had a severe illness requiring surgery, and she lost a lot of weight because of that and is now quite thin. She probably never would have said anything to us if she were still heavy herself.)
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:04 pm
not ok
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:06 pm
I think you should never make self-improvement suggestions to others unless you have a good reason to think they will be welcomed. This particular comment is quite infamous for being unwelcome, so...not really sure what she was thinking.

With such relatives, sometimes the best we can do is ignore. I recently listened to a long spiel from a future MIL on how her son keeps getting redt women who are too heavy for him, he needs someone small...I was similarly horrified.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:10 pm
Not ok for her to say, and not smart of DH to repeat it to you.
Its not like you don't know your size and health, she's not telling you anything new, except that she noticed.
Ignore her, your body your choice.
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amother
Brickred


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:46 pm
As far as gaining weight to spite her-
I once told a friend that I wanted to do something because I was tired of community expectations and I wanted to "spite them all". My friend caringly and wisely said to me "life's too short - don't give people's comments that much importance that it stops you from doing what you think is best for you".
If you do lose weight, MIL might very well credit herself with the brilliant idea that she gave you. If that happens, smile and nod. If you choose to lose weight, you know what your true motivations are.
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strawberry cola




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:06 pm
Was her illness connected to her weight? Perhaps she said the comment out pf not wanting you and your husband to go through what she did. In that case, the comment was coming from pain and vulnerability, rather than nosiness. That does not mean she should have said it about you, because of course it makes you feel bad.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:31 pm
lamplighter wrote:
Not ok for her to say, and not smart of DH to repeat it to you.
Its not like you don't know your size and health, she's not telling you anything new, except that she noticed.
Ignore her, your body your choice.


DH actually didn't tell me about my involvement in it at first. He only told me that she said it about him. It was only later that he blurted out that she actually said it about both of us.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:34 pm
strawberry cola wrote:
Was her illness connected to her weight? Perhaps she said the comment out pf not wanting you and your husband to go through what she did. In that case, the comment was coming from pain and vulnerability, rather than nosiness. That does not mean she should have said it about you, because of course it makes you feel bad.


No, her illness was not connected to her weight. She was never extremely obese, just moderately overweight. Her illness was some kind of flukey intestinal issue that just came out of nowhere. For 3 weeks, she had nonstop diarrhea before the problem was finally discovered. That was how she lost the weight. She has managed to keep it off very well.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:37 pm
amother [ Brickred ] wrote:
As far as gaining weight to spite her-
I once told a friend that I wanted to do something because I was tired of community expectations and I wanted to "spite them all". My friend caringly and wisely said to me "life's too short - don't give people's comments that much importance that it stops you from doing what you think is best for you".
If you do lose weight, MIL might very well credit herself with the brilliant idea that she gave you. If that happens, smile and nod. If you choose to lose weight, you know what your true motivations are.


I wouldn't really gain weight to spite her and am pretty good at tuning her out, but I have to admit that it does bother me somewhat to see DH taking her so seriously. I feel like she doesn't deserve that satisfaction. (DH says her comment just made him assess the situation himself and he came to the conclusion that he really is more overweight than he thought, so he's losing the weight for himself, not her, but I still don't want her to see that.)
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:40 pm
It’s not ok but my mil would totally do the same. She literally can’t help herself, and she means well, but it’s really annoying at best.
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CPenzias




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:42 pm
You'll lose weight when you're ready to. Not when someone tells you to.
I found out that I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol when I turned 36 and that was what put a bee in my bonnet.
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amother
Hyacinth


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:47 pm
I’m stuck at where your DH is trying so take her advice, which is nice, but did he really need her to enlighten him? Did he not see it on his own? I wouldn’t appreciate my own mother saying that to me either, let alone my m-i-l.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:53 pm
amother [ Hyacinth ] wrote:
I’m stuck at where your DH is trying so take her advice, which is nice, but did he really need her to enlighten him? Did he not see it on his own? I wouldn’t appreciate my own mother saying that to me either, let alone my m-i-l.


Not to be all stereotype-y but men do tend to pay less attention to their physical appearance, and to have their identities less closely tied to it than we do. Which could explain why he didn't notice or see it as important, and why he wasn't offended.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:57 pm
CPenzias wrote:
You'll lose weight when you're ready to. Not when someone tells you to.
I found out that I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol when I turned 36 and that was what put a bee in my bonnet.


My fasting lipid profile is excellent, and aside for my weight, I'm in very good health. So I don't have that to push me.

I do care about how I look though, and that's what will ultimately get me to lose weight, if anything.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:58 pm
amother [ Hyacinth ] wrote:
I’m stuck at where your DH is trying so take her advice, which is nice, but did he really need her to enlighten him? Did he not see it on his own? I wouldn’t appreciate my own mother saying that to me either, let alone my m-i-l.


He knew he needed to lose weight but didn't realize just how overweight he looked to others.
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CPenzias




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 8:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My fasting lipid profile is excellent, and aside for my weight, I'm in very good health. So I don't have that to push me.

I do care about how I look though, and that's what will ultimately get me to lose weight, if anything.

Bh you're in good health. You need to do what's good and right for you.
I was out of breath and generally didn't have the energy I needed. That said, I did have the gastric sleeve which isn't the easy way out as some think, but it gave me a boost. I'm 2.5 years out and I do gain when I eat things I shouldn't. It's a life long struggle but my main point is that I didn't care at all...until I cared. Not when anyone else made comments. It had to come from me.
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amother
PlumPink


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:05 pm
I started putting family members in "time out" for mentioning my weight. First offense, I dont speak to you for two weeks. Second offense, 1 month. And so on. One relative ended up in a 6 month time out before getting the point. Now nobody in my family needles me about my weight anymore!
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We recently saw MIL at a simcha, and she told DH that he and I both need to lose weight. This is true, but I was still horrified that she said it, especially about me. DH thinks it was fine to say since she said it out of concern for our health. I told him I would never ever tell my son that my DIL needs to lose weight, no matter how heavy she got. What are your opinions?

DH has really taken it to heart and is trying to lose weight now through diet and exercise. I'm tempted to put on another few pounds just to spite MIL but don't want to punish myself so I'm just ignoring her. I'll lose weight if and when it suits me.

(FTR, MIL was overweight herself for the last few decades but recently had a severe illness requiring surgery, and she lost a lot of weight because of that and is now quite thin. She probably never would have said anything to us if she were still heavy herself.)


Obviously what she said to her son accomplished its goal because her son is now losing weight. I agree it’s embarrassing and hurtful for you but by wanting to spite her by gaining weight, who are you really hurting? Only yourself. Be mature, get past the embarrassment, assume she did say it because she is concerned and do what’s best for you and your health, and join your husband in trying to lose weight together. Forget about your mil. Maybe it’s Gd sending you the message.
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DH actually didn't tell me about my involvement in it at first. He only told me that she said it about him. It was only later that he blurted out that she actually said it about both of us.


Then you can be sure your dh fully agrees with her assessment.
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:16 pm
amother [ Hyacinth ] wrote:
I’m stuck at where your DH is trying so take her advice, which is nice, but did he really need her to enlighten him? Did he not see it on his own? I wouldn’t appreciate my own mother saying that to me either, let alone my m-i-l.


Obviously he cares what his mother thinks and he’s able to see she said it from love and concern. Im sure she wasn’t trying to insult anyone
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