Does being concerned make it okay?

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 10:18 pm

Normally I would say no; however, maybe in this case in that moment she as a mother said something to her son that did help him. If she mentioned your weight as well then I don't think dh should have passed that knowledge along to you. Most people who do this are very well intentioned; however, I don't think it is a good idea barring a rare exception perhaps.
Hugs and hatzlocha

spikta

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 6:45 am

Some people just think that if they have a thought, they need to tell it to you. They can't just let it sit inside their head. If it's your MIL, she's probably not going to change. And especially if she had health issues and lost weight, the topic of health and weight is probably on her mind a lot. I'll guess that you're not the only recipients of her concern.

I would try to just let it go, for your own sanity. Our society judges overweight people and hides it behind health concerns. Even if she wouldn't have said it aloud, she would have been thinking it, as do many people in our society. If you want to loose weight, loose weight, if you don't don't. You can't control her behavior, but you don't have to give her influence over your choices.

amother

Melon

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 7:14 am

I'm sorry that your MIL made those hurtful remarks and particularly at a simcha where you probably took extra care to look nice. People who have not lived with extra weight as a chronic issue have no idea how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. The newly thin can also be a bit smug. I have lived my entire life with losing and gaining weight and feeling unhappy about my appearance. The comments are painful and embarrassing and people definitely treat overweight people differently. After a particularly difficult and (temporarily) successful weight loss, a relative who cared but had made me feel bad in the past by expressing concern over my weight said "I hope you didn't have to starve yourself." Of course I did! There is no way to do this without giving it tremendous focus and effort and certainly not without avoiding certain foods. That's part of what makes it so difficult to sustain. My in-laws bothered me for years by making comments about how being overweight was a factor for cancer and sending me articles about weight loss. That certainly hurt and made me feel like they ignored my other qualities and only viewed me as fat. At the end of the day, live your life and try to handle your body and health as you want and can. Embrace your own chein!

amother

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 4:57 pm

S1959 wrote:

Do you ever do things as a mother, if you have children, that your mother did but as a child you resented? Are you a mother-in-law yet? If not, remember this as a lesson for when you do become one.

I am a mother-in-law and have never critized anything about my DILs to their face or to their husbands or to anyone else.

justforfun87

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 7:22 pm

This made me laugh because I recently posted something similar. My in laws sent us a whole email how concerned they were about our eating habits/weight. When my husband responded with a scathing email they actually felt really bad about it.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jul 18 2022, 7:48 pm

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

I started putting family members in "time out" for mentioning my weight. First offense, I dont speak to you for two weeks. Second offense, 1 month. And so on. One relative ended up in a 6 month time out before getting the point. Now nobody in my family needles me about my weight anymore!

Oh I just love you! I need to learn from ppl like you. Cool

amother

Latte

Thu, Aug 11 2022, 3:33 pm

amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:

It’s not ok but my mil would totally do the same. She literally can’t help herself, and she means well, but it’s really annoying at best.

Mine would too. Then when she hosts us for a Shabbat meal or even a seuda shlishit, she stresses us out constantly for not eating enough, wanting to pile more food on our plates, trying to send us home with boxes of junk food that we would never eat wondering