So tired of disagreeing

amother

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 10:51 am

I’m due any day now and DH and I are still disagreeing over names. For reference I’m a convert and have nobody to name after. DH has two close relatives who passed and one of our children is already named after one of them. This might be our last baby and he wants this one named after the second relative. The only thing is I do NOT like the name at all, and someone else in his family is already named after this person. I’ve suggested many alternatives where we could use it as a middle name and he absolutely won’t accept it.

The super frustrating part is I’ll suggest a name and he’ll seem fine with putting it on our “maybe” list, then he’ll say a few days later “no I don’t like that name at all.” Well then why give me the hope that you did?! He has vetoed every single name I like. And I’ve given him a LARGE list, even names I’m just so-so on, just to give us a change to agree on something. Nope.

In general I’m very emotional and stressed right now about having this baby and some other things going on in our lives. Maybe I’m feeling overly pressured about the name but it’s weighing on me. He doesn’t come from a family where naming after people is a thing (and obviously not from my side) yet he’s really pushing me on this and it’s making me feel bitter. This is not how I want to feel going into labor. It took me a long time to get used to our other child’s name (after his relative) because I didn’t like it. How do I deal with this?

amother

Mocha

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 10:57 am

I still remember my uncle called us up telling us that his grandmother-in-law had a less common first name (Hitzel to be exact) and she just passed.
My mother suggested that they give the name and add an additional more run of the mill name so the child could walk in the streets without being made fun of.
They named her Rochel Hitzel after the bubby and Rochel Imeinu. She is called Rochy

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 11:05 am

Thats really hard. I hear a lot of fear involved that you will have to give your baby a name you don't like. That's tough. And scary. And I'm sure you feel like you don't need the added stress in your life at this time.

I wonder what you think about, going to your husband and hearing him. Asking him what name he wants and hearing all about it. Pretend you have never heard and let him talk all about it. Talk about who the relative was to him. Ask him to share stories about relative. Have a real curiosity. Basically what I'm saying here is, UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT his desire to name after his relative. And then thank him for sharing.
And walk away with an appreciation of him wanting to show respect for this relative.

That does not mean that he has the final and only say. That does not mean that this relatives name will be baby's name. It will just mean husband is heard and accepted.

Drop the stress about it. Leave the urgency.

And after that, in a separate conversation, you can say how you appreciate that he loved his relative and you would love to name your baby a name that YOU LOVE. What does he recommend?

Once he feels understood, it's a lot easier for him to think objectively.

amother

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 11:09 am

I’m following closely for responses, hence my quick answer here lol.

For reference, the name he wants is very common - but I dislike it. A lot. I feel like that should be enough. Although I’ve suggested to use it as a middle name (for example Ariella Sara, it’s not Sara but common like that). He won’t consider it. He’ll just say “well then why can’t we just name Sara and that’s all” The other thing is his younger sister is already named “Sara”! So I’d feel like we’re naming after the relative and his sister too. It feels weird.

Also, regarding our other child named after his other relative, he asked a big rabbi because I made it clear I didn’t like the name and it made me uncomfortable using it for a few reasons. The rabbi suggested adding a middle name, and that’s what we did. But it was years before I could stop using nicknames and call this child by their real first name. I still have a hard time with it. I also compromised on our first because he vetoed all the names I liked then, too. And if I bring it up and say that I want to pick I name I actually really love this time, he’ll say “what do you mean, we agreed on all the names before”. No.... you said no to all of mine and made it impossible to choose so we ended up with what you wanted.

amother

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 11:27 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

I wonder what you think about, going to your husband and hearing him. Asking him what name he wants and hearing all about it. Pretend you have never heard and let him talk all about it. Talk about who the relative was to him. Ask him to share stories about relative. Have a real curiosity. Basically what I'm saying here is, UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT his desire to name after his relative. And then thank him for sharing.
And walk away with an appreciation of him wanting to show respect for this relative.

That does not mean that he has the final and only say. That does not mean that this relatives name will be baby's name. It will just mean husband is heard and accepted.
.

This was very thoughtful advice. Thank you, I appreciate it. I do have an understanding about why he wants to use this name. I’m truly feeling guilty that I dislike the name so much, and maybe that’s why I’m feeling so badly in general over this. But that’s also why I’m trying hard to incorporate it as a middle name. He’s not seeing it as a compromise though, he’s seeing it as “second best” and it’s not good enough. For example I came up with a combination that I felt was beautiful and fit nicely with our other kids’ names, and incorporated the middle name. He shot it down and made a face at me like it was stupid. Genuinely don’t know where to to from here.

amother

Geranium

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 11:28 am

Many couples have the custom to alternate turns between names, so wife will choose a name, then the next child the husband.
In your case you don't have someone to name for, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a say. Is your dh usually so particular, or is it only in this scenario? Is there a nickname of this name you can use instead of the full name? Or translate the name into hebrew/yiddish for a different variation but the same meaning.
If you sit down with him and try to have a calm discussion, where you are both listening to each other and acknowledging each other's points of view, will he respond to that?
Dh, I know you feel strongly that you would like to name for your relative. I'm happy to name for this relative. My concerns are that last time we named for your other relative a name I wasn't so keen on and to this day I'm still not so comfortable with the name. You also have a sister with the same name and I think it would be nice to be able to differentiate between them. Can we discuss adding a name with our Rav. Last time he gave us clarity and I really don't want to keep disagreeing.

Alternative

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 1:18 pm

OP, it seems a no-brainer to me that you get to choose the name this time.

Your dh chose the name last time. That was gracious of you. You gave him the first turn. It's your turn now if there is a disagreement.

It doesn't matter if you have no one to name after. Kids don't always need to be named after someone. None of my kids' first names are after someone (their middle names are).

My personal opinion is that in any case the mother's opinion has more weight, as she is after all the one bearing and birthing the baby. How much more so if the father got to choose the name first time around.

amother

Alyssum

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 1:21 pm

Seems like a tough spot to be in.

How close of a relative is this to him? If it's his mother or father, I would try to be more flexible and perhaps add a name I like as a compromise.

If my husband really wants I would think about it and see if I can find the charm in it. It seems like you have done that already and still don't want to name that.

Also I think it is reasonable that he chose one name already so now you get to choose one...

you have a right to name your child. You both do. He probably doesn't love any name you suggest because he keeps on going back to the name he wants. I think he needs to understand that that name is off the table! It's not in the pile of choices anymore. Now from the new choices there's gotta be a name you can both agree to.

I once heard that a mother gets ruach hakodesh when it comes to choosing her child's name.

Also what some people do when they want to give a name, but they don't like it, is they donate something in memory of that person. That's why you will sometimes notice that some wedding halls or schools have interesting names. Because people didn't want to name their child that, so they donated a building. Like the wedding hall Ateres Chinka. Not that you have to donate a building, but if you have the means you can do something smaller like the mikvah that I go to has plaques of donors and many are in memory of someone...

Bsha tova! focus on the joy of the new baby-its so precious!

amother

Pewter

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 1:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is one reason we don’t discuss names during my pregnancies. The stress of disagreeing is too much for me. My husband and I have very different “likes” when it comes to names- he’s very Sara, Rivka, Rochel, Leah, etc. and I’m more Noa, Tehilla, Eliana, etc. We only name after relatives if we both agree. We have two kids named after relatives, the rest are not.
Has he given any suggestions, or just knocked down all of yours? Maybe ask him to give you some ideas of how this name that he wants can be used in combination with another name.
Hatzlacha, and bsha’a tova :-)

amother

Pewter

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 1:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have this with one of my kids, one of the ones named after a relative. (Although really, in my mind she’s not named after the relative- she’s named for the circumstances surrounding her birth, and the names we chose happens to be the name of a relative.) We only use her first name, and that is the name on her birth certificate and all legal documents. I hardly ever use the second name, and it’s been well over 10 years.

imaima

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 1:33 pm

A mother gets a ruach hakodesh to name a child.
Please please stand your ground and work out a solution that is good for you. Don’t compromise

Even though you might give in now, over the years you may get resentful and then everyone will suffer: you, your shalom bayis, your child.

This is a no-brainer and any rav will tell you: you both should agree on the name. Take your dh to a rav he respects if he needs to hear it from him.

I get a feeling that your dh doesn’t value your opinion, probably due to your background. It is not fair.

I would also share that you are spending the end of the pregnancy in great anxiety because you feel so disregarded as a mother. Say it to the rav too.

amother

DarkOrange

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 2:18 pm

I gave up a ‘turn’ when I didn’t have a relative to name after (our minhag is to name after relatives). My caveat was that I had to like the name. If you don’t like the name, it’s a nonstarter. Tell him you gave in last time, and it’s his turn to give in this time. If he wants to name after the second relative, he has to be prepared to add a name or you have to agree on an alternate name. Period.

Alternative

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 3:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you so much for all of your replies. Truly. I have been so emotional and stressed during this pregnancy (for many many reasons) that I was starting to gaslight myself and think I must be in the wrong. I will try to find a way to discuss it with him again and with our Rabbi if needed. Thank you all again for your input.

I would only go to the Rabbi if you are sure he will understand your point of view.
This is not a halachic question and you don't need to involve a rabbi if you don't want to.
Only involve him if he considers your opinions (as a convert and as a woman) to be equal to your dh's. And if naming after relatives is not a must in his opinion.