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Mishpacha Double Take
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:30 am
As the mother of an engaged daughter I found this double take really disturbing. Am super curious how others related to it.
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amother




Brass
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:31 am
Is there a link to read the article? I didn’t get mishpacha this week.
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TravelHearter




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:31 am
I really heard both sides
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amother




Currant
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:31 am
Agreed with every word.
My Kallah teacher betrayed my trust by calling my parents.
I stopped speaking to her that day.
It only hurt my marriage.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:35 am
The sil was being supported by his ils and sitting home doing absolutely nothing while the daughter was running around for help. No children involved, would you really, as a parent want your daughter encouraged to stay in such a situation? I could hear it if the guy was productive but not learning but this guy seems to be dealing with heavy issues.
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amother




Currant
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:37 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The sil was being supported by his ils and sitting home doing absolutely nothing while the daughter was running around for help. No children involved, would you really, as a parent want your daughter encouraged to stay in such a situation? I could hear it if the guy was productive but not learning but this guy seems to be dealing with heavy issues.


This isn’t the parents decision to make.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:39 am
Should she be taking the parents money in such a situation?
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amother




Currant
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Should she be taking the parents money in such a situation?


That’s a separate question the daughter can ask daas Torah.
Still not a reason to involve the parents if the couple does not want them involved.
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theotherone1




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:43 am
I also read it, felt very conflicted, and was hoping someone would discuss it here.
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TravelHearter




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:44 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Should she be taking the parents money in such a situation?

Why on earth not? Pulling the financial help would make the situation so so so much worse. Yes, if he’s sitting home for two years doing nothing then I can hear having that conversation. But she’s married for a couple of months! And in the article it says nothing about the mother wanting to pull the financial help away. Good for her. She’s just worried about her kid.
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TravelHearter




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:45 am
I think if there was a way for the kallah teacher to tell the mother that her daughter did reach out then maybe she should have done so. Most of the mother’s worry was about her daughter having the support she needs.
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amother




Dustypink
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:48 am
amother [ Brass ] wrote:
Is there a link to read the article? I didn’t get mishpacha this week.

https://mishpacha.com/split-loyalties/
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:49 am
But if she knew the true state of her daughters marriage she would be horrified and probably want her daughter to leave. Don't you think this girl was in over her head? Shouldn't someone have suggested to her that in such extreme situations it's ok to involve a parent? She is in a terrible situation with probably years of struggle ahead of her, shouldn't someone who is totally in her camp be involved? I really felt like things were being smoothed out for the husband on her chesbon and on the parents dime.
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amother




Mint
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:49 am
She could have told the daughter the mother called and asked her what she has permission to say.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 12:51 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
She could have told the daughter the mother called and asked her what she has permission to say.


I never thought she should betray the daughters confidence, just gently suggest that her parents should be involved.
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amother




DarkGray
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 1:02 am
I don’t get why “it’s not the role of a kallah teacher” to call and check up. Like why not? I BH have a great marriage and still appreciate it when my kallah teacher calls every once in a while.
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Rubies




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 1:04 am
I believe the right approach would've been if the kallah teacher (Rav? Therapist?) gently encouraged her to let her mother know that there is something they're working through with the right professionals.
Nothing serious, but they want to address it the right way.

Parents can tell when something is wrong, in this story anyway, and to make them sick with worry over how or if she's being helped was unnecessary.
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rachelli66




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 1:05 am
I thought it was more the husband was having questions about Yiddishkeit on the whole. No tefilla, etc. They got along if they spoke about everyday things.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 1:21 am
No, the kallah teacher could not tell the mother - especially since Miri stressed she did not
want her family to know.

I have sympathy for the mother, but she should do what the Rav suggested -
be loving but not pushy. And davven.

In general, it's better for couples to get advice from non-family members.

As the Rav said, the parents will never forget and the SIL will always be uncomfortable.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Sun, Jul 31 2022, 1:28 am
I was a kallah whose dh cared abt yiddishkeit but wasn't going to learn steadily, wasn't going to Daven steadily...
I didn't tell anyone. dh kept reminding me not to ever involve parents...

Since then he's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Was emotionally neglected as a child.

He will probably never function as a perfectly normal husband, holding down a career our kollel.

We told my mother after a decade. She is a lot more attuned now, and picks up if I'm sounding down. I don't really confide in her though, because marriage is private.
I did find myself a therapist to talk to.

Yes that was a tremendous disappointment tho me. Yes we have SB Problems and lack of respect
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