First names | Imamother

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 4:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m I overly sensitive or is it horrible that my friends kids started calling me by my first name. I would never tell someone what to do with their child and I am very very makpid when it comes to my children. I just find it rude and offensive. Opinions please

I would take it as a mark of trust and friendship and it would flatter me.

It's true that children should learn that they cannot call everyone by their first names, but if you are on a first name basis with the parents, it seems natural to me that children call you by your first name too.

In general, informality is increasing and this might sometimes seem strange to the older generation.

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 7:18 am

My husband's 3yo niece calls all his siblings by their first names, and calls their father Abba because at a certain point she realized that she was the only one calling him Zayde and everyone else was calling him Abba... My husband said he plans on being makpid on our kids to call their aunts/uncles by their proper titles, which will be a lot easier on my side because my siblings are in their 30's, but his siblings are practically still kids themselves...

watergirl

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 7:45 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

These threads are always so interesting to me. I grew up in america and we always called our friend's parents by their first name. It was never mentioned by anyone to call them mr or mrs. And Im not 20 years old. This was even 30 years ago.

Same. I’m 41 and a BT (fwiw) and growing up (midwest), the “weird” parents were the ones who wanted to be called Mr. or Mrs. All the other parents insisted on their first names. Of course we did whatever we were instructed to do by that particular parent.

By contrast, my husband who is older than me (also BT from an east coast city) grew up with Mr. and Mrs. a formal culture. He feels that is disrespectful to call adults by their first name.

I feel it is disrespectful to call somebody by a name they do not like. So he can decide how he wants children to call him and I can decide how I want children to call me.

In theory, I would like all children to call me by my first name but I also really defer to the child’s parent. I tell the child’s. I prefer to be called by my first name but if they insist on Mrs. Lastname, I go with that. Often we settle on Ms. watergirl.

I will add that as a Woman in my 40s now, I find it very strange when a woman introduces herself to me as Mrs. Lastname and wants me to call her that. I’m not talking about women I will never see again either. Ladies I meet often (nshei events, etc) prefer the formal title. I think there is a time to loosen in the formalities, because I interpret this is her way of telling me she’s not interested in a friendship/relationship and wants to keep a distance. My mother-in-law is that kind of woman. She always wants to be referred to formally and introduces herself in every occasion as Mrs. Lastname and I do not understand it. My ex MIL (midwest also) was known by her first name to all, as was my mother, and both of them were very beloved in our community, first as a mother figure and later as a bubby figure, to those who needed them. BH I follow their own example and my teenage daughter tells me that her friends love coming to our house and join us often for dinner because they like to sit and chat with me. All of her friends moms are Mrs. Lastname and interestingly, their houses are not the hang out that my house is.

amother

Candycane

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 9:08 am

imaima wrote:

I don’t get this logic. I can very will express the wish to be called the way I want to be called. It has nothing to do with chinuch. If I don’t want random 11 year olds to call me by my first name, it is my right to say so.

You have a right to ask to be called whatever you want. My question is -why does it bother you when they call you by your name?
(I teach my kids not to use first name because I think it's more respectful.)

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:01 am

It's inappropriate for children to call their parents' friends by their first names unless the friend asks them to do so. And even then, for reasons of chinuch, I would discourage it. At least let them call the person "Aunt" Firstname. I had a neighbor of my mother's generation, a rather chashuva lady, whom I always addressed as Mrs. X. She asked me to call her by her given name but I just couldn't do it. My mother had friends who always identified themselves as Firstname when they called me on the phone, so that's what I called them. But I was an adult by then, not a child.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would never tell my kids how to address another adult (not family) without asking them first. Some of my kids have friends whose parents use their first names, and if that’s what they want that’s fine with me, but all of their friends call me Mrs. X.
The only exception is we have a group of couples friends (some with kids, some not) and within that group we all go by our first names to whatever kids there are.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:12 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I grew up in America too, my parents had some friends who we called by name and some who we called mr./Mrs. I think it depended on the closeness and the nature of their relationship. Those who were like second parents go up we called by their names. Those who were less close but still friends were mr./Mrs.

DrMom

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:16 am

Alternative wrote:

I agree with you, but then we are entering tricky territory. Not everyone on this forum believes it's your right to decide how you want to be called.

What if you want to be called Mr. and you are biologically a woman, for example?
Many people on this forum would say you don't have the right to decide how you want to be called.

Who gets to decide? The person saying your name, or the person whose name it is?

Well, if a man decides your kids are supposed to call him "Miss" (or "Aquaman" or "Humpty Dumpty" or "Empress"), then you can decide if you want to humor him or not. At that point, I'd probably ask my kids to stay away from him anyway, so the point is moot.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:19 am

Im 26, BT, and call all my parents friends by their first name. I dont call my aunts or uncle "uncle mike" either, just mike. My friends call my mom by her name.
My husband calls my parents by their first name (they did not want to be called mom or dad). My parents are in their 50s and very with it.

I think its a bit uppity to say something but it clearly bothers you. it just might make your friend turned off and the friendship could go sour...

No need to hug my posts...

pinkpeonies

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:45 am

I don’t think we can take examples by what a secular culture does. Our culture (and by our I mean Jews, not yeshivish, MO, chassidish, etc) holds respect for elders as a top priority. It is part of the basis of our mesorah, that each past generation is closer to har sinai.
No matter what is or was done in your circles, calling an adult 30 years older than you by their first name is a way of saying “we are equals.”
I do not believe that we are equals. I believe that someone older than me deserves respect.
By the same token, I introduce myself on the phone and in person as “Chani Klein” to everyone, even former students of mine, because I believe on my end that it is almost condescending and uppity to say Mrs Klein.
My neighbors and I are very makpid to say “Mrs Friedman” when talking about each other to our children, it’s something we have discussed in the past.
And my nieces and nephews call me “tante chani.” It’s basic respect, very very much a part of our collective values

imaima

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 10:54 am

amother [ Candycane ] wrote:

It is the way I was raised. I believe it is more respectful. I believe that it is my place to offer to the child to call me by my first name. I would offer to a 16 y.o. but not an 11 y.o.

Also, if someone is disturbed by the way they are addressed it is their right to address it

#BestBubby

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 11:02 am

pinkpeonies wrote:

Excellent post!

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jul 31 2022, 11:38 am

amother [ Oxfordblue ] wrote:

for those that call parents friends Mrs. x, do you switch when u get married and start calling them by their first name?

No. Marital status has nothing to do with it. A married 20-year-old is still only 20, even if she has three kids. That ring on her finger doesn't elevate her to the status of her parents' generation. I'm aware that nursing home residents are called by first name because, supposedly, people remember their given name far longer than their family name. This may be, but why don't they ASK the residents what they want to be called? Not all NH residents have dementia; some are sharper than you are and are in a NH because their physical health requires that level of care. I'm over 65 and I still call those of my parents' friends who are still alive Mr/Mrs X because they're still my elders and will remain so as long as they live.