Do you have a hard time saying no?

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 1:42 am

I do

I think it comes from a good place, I really lik being helpful and kind

amother

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 1:46 am

amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:

I do

I think it comes from a good place, I really lik being helpful and kind

Me too. But I’m starting to feel very taken advantage of. And it’s making me so resentful.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:29 am

I knew someone who couldn't say no. She ended up totally burnt out, in bed for a month, and could barely do anything for herself, never mind her family or everyone else. Her body said no for her. Put on your own oxygen masks, people!

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:50 am

I did when I was younger. Now I can say No when I really can't help.

singleagain

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 7:11 am

amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:

I do

I think it comes from a good place, I really lik being helpful and kind

Or does it come from a toxic society telling you that "good" ppl always extend themselves to be helpful and kind?

yo'ma

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 7:36 am

amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:

I do

I think it comes from a good place, I really lik being helpful and kind

I think it comes from a place of needing to be liked by all.

zaq

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 10:11 am

Take a class in assertiveness. Remember, the procedure in case of a drop in cabin pressure on a plane, is to don your own mask first, then help your child. You can't help anyone else if you're a wreck.

chay

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 10:15 am

I like saying yes, I like helping others. The hard part for me is when I finally ask someone for a favor and they automatically say no. That is when I feel resentful.

It is something I need to work on. Just because I would have said yes didn't mean they need to also.

Simple1

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 10:17 am

I do. After studying the eneagram, I realized this might be personality based. I come up very high on the 9 the peacemaker. The 2 helper probably also will rarely say no, but that type thrives on giving to people, so long as people appreciate and love them in return. These are all nice middos, as long as you don't destroy yourself in the process.

ShishKabob

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 1:08 pm

Simple1 wrote:

This, I don't think it's a all or nothing type of thing.
I think each situation should be evaluated as it comes.
Don't automatically say no and don't automatically say yes.

amother

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 5:33 pm

amother [ DarkViolet ] wrote:

I did when I was younger. Now I can say No when I really can't help.

How did you change?

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 5:34 pm

I did. For years I was a doormat to neighbors and others. It took me a long time to say “no” and it feels so liberating.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 5:39 pm

I love to do for other people and used to have a hard time saying no.

till I learned that
I dont have to help hashm run his world....He will find some other way for the person to get the help he needs (without you).

pinkpeonies

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 5:47 pm

singleagain wrote:

Or does it come from a toxic society telling you that "good" ppl always extend themselves to be helpful and kind?

Omg. That went South fast.
No, we are not supposed to go past our limits, but we ARE supposed to be a nation of gomlei chassadim. We emulate Hashem by giving to others.
Whether giving or being able to say no comes from a healthy place or not is up to the individual, but you are not espousing Torah values.
Yes, good people extend themselves to be helpful and kind when they are able to, and even when it’s hard for them. A healthy person with a good sense of self knows when to say no.

amother

Rose

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 5:50 pm

I usually say no if I can’t do it.

That being said, there’s a specific nebach case that I’m just SO MAD about because I think the person in question is taking complete advantage of everyone’s kindness. They have money and a house and help and they got crowdfunding and enough is enough but they keep asking for more.

I feel like they’re burdening the community.

But I feel like I’m being a horrible person by being mad. My husband thinks it’s a terrible middah.

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 6:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How did you change?

I have changed a lot in the last few years.
I have learnt to be honest with myself, be aware of what I can/can't do and say no when I have to. I had to learn to make healthy boundaries and b"h I managed.
8/10 I don't feel guilty to be honest and say what I can do.
I have my life, my circumstances and don't have to give din vecheshbon to anyone in this world why I offer or don't offer to help, have guests etc

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 6:51 pm

Things that helped me was 1. Therapy 2. Being able to love myself and soothe myself when I disappoint others 3. Being ok with not being good 4. Realizing my value. I count. My emotional health counts.

1 thing that did not help me is the classic book on assertiveness. Forgot what it is called. It is very popular. Someone will recommend it here soon! 😉

amother

Bergamot

Mon, Aug 01 2022, 11:00 pm

Stress = When the brains says "No", and the mouth says "Sure, no problem"!