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A good shiur for a teenage boy?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 12:49 pm
My teenage boy is a good kid with good middos. He loves anything electronic and enjoys tinkering with laptops, tablets, phones (working or not) for fun. Yesterday, he found 2 old devices in our house and got himself onto the internet on both devices. He wasn't doing anything exciting on the internet-playing chess and looking at family pictures. But I was very upset because we are very makpid about electronics and internet and he knows he is not allowed to go on devices without parental permission and filtering.

I took them all away and banned him from computers for the week but I'd like to have him listen to a shiur about this.

Issue is that most shiurim about dangers of internet are meant for adults and talk about [filth] etc. I am not as worried about what he will do on the internet as I am upset that he did something he knew he wasn't allowed to do.
I told him I would find a shiur about honestly and he said no thank you.

He said I should find him a shiur about "technology".

So what speaker and what shiur should I find for him-something appropriate for a 15 year old which discusses overall concerns about technology I.e. waste of time, not being able to think for yourself etc?
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amother




Wine
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:08 pm
I dont have ideas for you, but I just wanted to say that you're bringing up a very good point. Most speeches about technology target the parents or teachers. Mostly, they are warning of the dangers and encouraging them to keep them as far away from kids and teens as they can. While I agree with this whenever possible, there really should be a focus on talking and teaching children and teens about it on their level, and not just bashing it(because that doesn't always work), considering many of them will come across devices in some way.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:12 pm
I don't think a single shiur will find a problem with playing chess or looking at family pictures. It sounds to me that you're making this into a huge deal. Just remind him of your family's policy on technology and move on.
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redheaded




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:19 pm
What is wrong with your son knowing the internet is filthy?
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:29 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I don't think a single shiur will find a problem with playing chess or looking at family pictures. It sounds to me that you're making this into a huge deal. Just remind him of your family's policy on technology and move on.


I appreciate your thoughts. There were two things that I didn't mention. Number one was is that initially I found him with the cell phone and I made it very clear to him at that time that it was not okay. I went out about an hour later and when I came home he was on the tablet. So he knew after the first incident what our policy was and chose to go on another device shortly after. The devices were kept in my room in a box. He had asked if he could get a plug out of the box to which I agreed. He somehow extrapolated from that he can take anything out of the box and do whatever he wanted with them.When I asked him to give me the tablet back, he changed the password so that I could not get on. This was deliberate and he was very much unwilling to change it back so I could log in and see what he was up to.
So not quite as innocent as I made it sound.
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amother




Eggplant
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:33 pm
I think a shiur filled with love from his father or mother about why you made this your policy, what you are trying to protect him and yourselves from is best, also acknowedging his feelings that led him down to doing this and if those can be addressed.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Aug 01 2022, 2:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I appreciate your thoughts. There were two things that I didn't mention. Number one was is that initially I found him with the cell phone and I made it very clear to him at that time that it was not okay. I went out about an hour later and when I came home he was on the tablet. So he knew after the first incident what our policy was and chose to go on another device shortly after. The devices were kept in my room in a box. He had asked if he could get a plug out of the box to which I agreed. He somehow extrapolated from that he can take anything out of the box and do whatever he wanted with them.When I asked him to give me the tablet back, he changed the password so that I could not get on. This was deliberate and he was very much unwilling to change it back so I could log in and see what he was up to.
So not quite as innocent as I made it sound.


Ok, but originally you asked for a shiur addressing the dangers of technology: wasting time and not thinking for yourself. That's not really what you're upset about here. Let him know that he needs to follow the family policy. Expect him to possibly mess up, as humans do (I'm certain you've done things knowing they were wrong, correct?). Let him know what the consequence will be if something similar happens. You don't need a shiur about technology for this.
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 4:26 pm
I have a suggestion for you, one you may not be interested in hearing, but I'll put it here anyway, on the off chance you're open to reading it.

Your son is no longer 8 or 9 years old. He's a teenager, which within itself is a vast spectrum. You mentioned that he loves tinkering around with electronics, particularly devices that connect to the internet. Based on this information, I have a hunch this is not the first time he has done this, just the first time you were aware of this. As such, you are worried, concerned and sound annoyed that your son is not following parental directives.

I don't know if this is your first teenager, or perhaps the first time one of your teens is not adhering to your family rules, however, you have reached a new stage in the life of this particular child. He knows his way around devices, he knows how to fix them, I'm going to guess he knows how to access internet regardless of passwords, filters and rules.

This is the time you can make or break your relationship with your son:

1. You can admonish him, take away all the electronics, make him listen to a shiur (hoping that the inspiration is enough for a teenage boy) and hope that he's learned his lesson, and this will never happen again. In the meantime, he may find another faulty device, fix it up, hide it from you, connect to the internet, and gain access to contents that are inappropriate for his age, however, since you have declared that rules are rules, he will not have parents to discuss it with, and the internet is the (un)limit regarding unwanted content.

2. You can have an open dialogue with your son regarding house rules and expectations and also listen to what your son has to say. Is he home bored in the summer? Does he need an outlet? Does he have a social life? All of these factors make a difference. Can you come to an agreement regarding more authorized internet usage?

3. You can acknowledge that he is older, the rules that have worked up until now are no longer effective, and that the time has come to reassess the way you approach him and the house rules. Additionally, perhaps remember that a young teen who has access to money, can go to any store that sells phones and basic internet plans to purchase one on their own.


Please remember that each person, even your teenage son, was given a Yetzer Hara and a Yetzer Tov. He had a Bar Mitzvah, the very concept is that he is now responsible for his own freedom of choice. Unfortunately, you are no longer in a position to have the same type of control over his choices like you did when he was younger. It's a hard pill to swallow, particularly if you have very clear standards, and you feel like the world is turning over due to his choices. Please remember, he needs guidance, respect and more importantly to be heard, more than anything else.

Signed, the mother of a now-young-adult who learned all this the hard way.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 12:37 am
amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:
I have a suggestion for you, one you may not be interested in hearing, but I'll put it here anyway, on the off chance you're open to reading it.

Your son is no longer 8 or 9 years old. He's a teenager, which within itself is a vast spectrum. You mentioned that he loves tinkering around with electronics, particularly devices that connect to the internet. Based on this information, I have a hunch this is not the first time he has done this, just the first time you were aware of this. As such, you are worried, concerned and sound annoyed that your son is not following parental directives.

I don't know if this is your first teenager, or perhaps the first time one of your teens is not adhering to your family rules, however, you have reached a new stage in the life of this particular child. He knows his way around devices, he knows how to fix them, I'm going to guess he knows how to access internet regardless of passwords, filters and rules.

This is the time you can make or break your relationship with your son:

1. You can admonish him, take away all the electronics, make him listen to a shiur (hoping that the inspiration is enough for a teenage boy) and hope that he's learned his lesson, and this will never happen again. In the meantime, he may find another faulty device, fix it up, hide it from you, connect to the internet, and gain access to contents that are inappropriate for his age, however, since you have declared that rules are rules, he will not have parents to discuss it with, and the internet is the (un)limit regarding unwanted content.

2. You can have an open dialogue with your son regarding house rules and expectations and also listen to what your son has to say. Is he home bored in the summer? Does he need an outlet? Does he have a social life? All of these factors make a difference. Can you come to an agreement regarding more authorized internet usage?

3. You can acknowledge that he is older, the rules that have worked up until now are no longer effective, and that the time has come to reassess the way you approach him and the house rules. Additionally, perhaps remember that a young teen who has access to money, can go to any store that sells phones and basic internet plans to purchase one on their own.


Please remember that each person, even your teenage son, was given a Yetzer Hara and a Yetzer Tov. He had a Bar Mitzvah, the very concept is that he is now responsible for his own freedom of choice. Unfortunately, you are no longer in a position to have the same type of control over his choices like you did when he was younger. It's a hard pill to swallow, particularly if you have very clear standards, and you feel like the world is turning over due to his choices. Please remember, he needs guidance, respect and more importantly to be heard, more than anything else.

Signed, the mother of a now-young-adult who learned all this the hard way.


OMG, of course I'm interested in hearing your suggestions and thoughts! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all up. I really like your idea #2. I asked someone else IRL for her thoughts and she had a similar piece of advice.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 12:39 am
I also forgot to mention that when I got upset at him, I told him that I see I can't trust him and he will need to earn my trust back before he can get his devices back. My friend IRL said that unless I offer him a solution to how he can earn my trust back, the whole consequence is rather useless.

So, any ideas of how he can earn my trust back?
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