Inviting myself | Imamother

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Inviting myself

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amother

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:34 am

Is it inappropriate/socially off for me to ask if my family can come for a shabbos meal? Someone that I am friendly with, not super close friend.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:38 am

I would only invite ourselves to close family and friends that I know well.
ETA: unless they're people that have an open house and host regularly.

amother

Valerian

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:39 am

I think it's fine.I am very open to those sort of requests and I've done it before as well.

Simple1

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:44 am

I wouldn't.

LK1

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:46 am

Do you know that they would be fine with it?

If yeah, then why not?

mamaleh

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 12:34 pm

In general, I think it’s fine with a few conditions: early in the week (unless some ‘emergency’ came up), someone you know hosts, clear option for them to say no without pressure.

This week, I wouldn’t as many hold you shouldn’t have extra company this week because it’s tisha b’av. They might feel uncomfortable telling you they hold that way.

ETA we host and I love when people do this.

amother

DarkMagenta

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 12:40 pm

I think you could but don't put them in a spot. Instead of asking to come a specific shabbos, could you just put it out there "btw, if it's ever a convenient time for you, I'd love to come for shabbos. Whatever week works for you is fine or if it's not a good time, I understand. "

amother

Olive

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 12:47 pm

Why don't you invite them first? Even if you know they will decline it may open the conversation re them inviting you. I wouldn't just ask unless you need the meal for some reason.

icedcoffee

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 12:57 pm

I'm personally always happy to host and wouldn't mind being asked, but I also don't feel comfortable straight up inviting myself to others. Normally I say something like "hey, we should do a meal together sometime! Let me know if there's ever a good weekend we can get our families together." That way it's low pressure and if they don't actually want to host us for some reason, the invitation is still open that they can come to us instead. Not sure if you having them over is a possibility (for me, I love hosting) but this way it puts the ball in their court with their comfort level.

LittleMissMama

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:04 pm

Unless it's one of those kiruv types of families that hosts large meals often, I think it's socially inappropriate. If there's someone you want to spend time with, invite them to your own home for a meal or ask them to get together shabbos afternoon. If you're having a tough week and need help with shabbos, order takeout or confide to a close friend that you're struggling and could use the chessed.

I do know a couple of people who invite themselves and I find it off-putting. Especially since one of them has never invited me for a meal and I have hosted her family at least half a dozen times by now. As a result, I haven't invited them in a long time. Enough is enough. Either reciprocate of express remorse that you are unable to reciprocate but hope to one day.

amother

Milk

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it inappropriate/socially off for me to ask if my family can come for a shabbos meal? Someone that I am friendly with, not super close friend.

Context is important here.

I've gone out of town and asked people we know from the area but aren't super close if they would have us for a meal.

In my own town, why? Maybe if my husband is away??? Can you give me a reason?

If I'm just interested in hanging out I would invite them.

Why is this request happening?

Now this is me asking. If someone would invite themselves to my house I would just shrug and decide if I could host or not. I would assume they are a little needy so would try to stretch myself.

amother

Calendula

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:13 pm

If they’ve given you an open invitation before, then yes. Otherwise, no. You should be inviting them to you.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it inappropriate/socially off for me to ask if my family can come for a shabbos meal? Someone that I am friendly with, not super close friend.

Do want to get to know these people better - you should invite them. If you need a meal there (eg your kitchen is being redone, family has a playdate nearby, you just can't face making a meal etc) then give them the reason too. Just asking without context would seem a little socially awkward.

amother

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:29 pm

We aren’t able to host right now. I would feel extremely uncomfortable asking if we can come but I can’t imagine another shabbos without company. Happy to bring some of the food. I would hope they would tell me if they can’t but I’m worried they wouldn’t that’s why I’m thinking to not ask and have a shabbos of misery again.

tichellady

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:32 pm

it’s fine! do it! just be clear that it’s totally fine if it’s not a good week for them. you can ask if they want to potluck

watergirl

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it inappropriate/socially off for me to ask if my family can come for a shabbos meal? Someone that I am friendly with, not super close friend.

People invite themselves to me all the time. Like, a LOT. Very few are super close friends (I have just a few very close friends) and most are people we mentor or people who consider us to be closer than we are. I have no problem saying no if it’s not a good week. I don't like to feel used, so if it comes to that then it's not someone I will say yes to again. I've had people ask to come for a seder, for example, and they sit at the other end of the table conducting their own seder and I realize they just needed the food. I've had similar for shabbos, when people come with their family and sit at the table and talk among themselves so loudly, ignoring us (the hosts), not helping, not allowing us to have a decent conversation with our own kids because they are so loud - they do not get a yes.

If you are not so close with them then I would not invite myself and I would wonder why that person thought to call me for an invite.

Is there someone else you can call who you are super close with?

Last edited by watergirl on Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you should frame it as a potluck.
“We can’t host at the moment but would have liked to invite you this week. Would you want to do a potluck lunch and we’ll bring challah, fish, salad and desserts”?

amother

Dandelion

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 1:57 pm

amother [ Lemonlime ] wrote:

This or if the weather is decent by you, maybe suggest a potluck picnic in the park? Or just meeting up after the meal for company?

amother

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 2:02 pm

amother [ Dandelion ] wrote:

This or if the weather is decent by you, maybe suggest a potluck picnic in the park? Or just meeting up after the meal for company?

I would be happy to meet up after the meal but we’ve tried that in the past and it’s a hit or miss. Because it’s shabbos it’s hard to coordinate with timing.

amother

Kiwi

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 3:25 pm

If you can bring some of the food, can you offer to pot-luck? Maybe have a 3rd family and make a group chat. Say do you guys want to pot luck this Shabbos. I would love to see you and spend time together. I wish I could invite, but it doesn’t work for me. If either of you can host, I’m happy to do the heavy lifting in terms of cooking?

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