Wedding Advice Needed

amother

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 7:57 pm

Hi, I could use some advice. My dd is getting married in 8 weeks. Her chossons parents are divorced and do not get along at all. They are also on complete opposite ends of the haskafic spectrum, one more yeshivaish one not frum. We are more in the middle hashkafically. Its is our minhag for parents to walk down our children, and only have one dd. My dh has very much looked forward to escorting her down the aisle. The more religious of my future mechutanim is remarried. They want to walk down the men with the chosson and the women with the kallah. My dh is really fighting this. The other would be fine walking down with their ex. My dd wants her dad to walk her down, but understands their may also be halachic issues involved with divorced parents walking down a child from a previous marriage. but doesnt want to cause strife with the inlaws. The chosson doesn’t want only one parent to escort him. All in all dd and her chosson have been trying to see if there is a creative way of getting everyone down the aisle and make everyone somewhat happy. Anyone have any ideas?

amother

Maize

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:08 pm

I was at a wedding of a child of remarriage and all parents were walking down the couple.
It was amazing to see how they made it work for everyone.
They can walk down their son together, the remarried parent on one side and the single parent on the other.
Another option would be step mom-mom-chosson-dad
Or mom-chosson-dad-step dad.

Really it isn’t your concern what the other side does. If they can’t come to an agreement, the chosson can have any other couple walk him down.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:53 pm

amother [ Broom ] wrote:

Let them figure it out. Your husband and daughter deserve to have each other down the ie at her wedding.

Wow as someone with divorced in-laws this rubbed me the wrong way. Yes they should figure it out but not because your daughter and husband deserve each other. The bigger picture would hopefully dictate that if it’s more comfortable for chossin side to have men and women separately you would see past that especially since the Kallah seems open to options to make it work.
I agree with the first sentence. Let them figure it out. Because its their business and not yours. And hopefully you’ll work around that.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:11 pm

My husband (parents are divorced) initially didn’t want his parents to walk him down. But for my dad (who paid for 100% of the wedding) it was hugely important to walk. Me down. Ultimately my husband thought that was the sweetest thing and was moved by his feelings, and recanted his original request. So my parents walked me and his parents walked him

amother

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:45 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

did you ask a Rav yet?

We did ask a Rav. He told us essentially the same as many of you, that we should leave the burden of figuring it out to them and walk her down as planned. The only solution we have from one of them is the men with men women with women. DD and her chosson asked me if I had other ideas, but maybe for shalom
Bayit that is the only one and dh will have to try and be ok.

Has anyone ever seen someone walk half the aisle with one parent and the other half with the other? Like hand off in the middle?

happy7

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:51 pm

Your husband and his father can walk the chosson and then your husband can come back and walk the kallah with you.
The mother and step mother can walk right behind you and your husband

DustyDiamonds

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:02 pm

It’s tough! I hope you can all figure this out smoothly!

Just want to say:

“Walking down the aisle” is a completely Christian concept that somehow has been integrated into frum weddings.

Hachnasas kallah means accompanying the bride to the chuppah. The whole shtetl. You see this in right wing Israeli weddings; there’s no red carpet.

Yes, my parents walked me down, and we plan to IYH walk our kids down the aisle. Yet, it can be helpful to realize that there’s zero religious significance to this, like a bride wearing a white gown, a tradition imported from another religion.

Once again, good luck!!

seeker

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:18 pm

Just keep in mind that this is a 2 minute situation that nobody will remember unless there's drama to remember.

Maybe DH can reframe instead of thinking he's missing out on walking down his daughter, maybe he can think of it as a special moment walking down his son-in-law. Or at least think of it as the best gift he can give his daughter, to go to her wedding with peace.

amother

Honey

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Has anyone ever seen someone walk half the aisle with one parent and the other half with the other? Like hand off in the middle?

I was at a wedding where they did that. It was very touching and everyone was very impressed that they found a respectful solution that worked for their family. In that case the mother is remarried, they started off with the mother and her new husband. At the halfway point he switched places with the father. It was really beautiful to see.

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:31 pm

I have divorced parents, father remarried

At my wedding both my parents walked me down, both DHs walked him

At my sisters wedding (she is very close to my stepmother), both my parents walked her with my stepmother walking alongside my father (so mom, kallah, dad, stepmother)

I agree to do father and mother walking down, if that’s what your daughter really wants, and let them figure out themselves how they want to handle it. Unless it was really important to the chosson to do it the other way to avoid any issues, as his opinion also matters here.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:49 pm

I saw pictures of a recent wedding where the divorced parents walked the choson down the aisle. Halfway down, the father's second wife joined him and the mother's second husband joined her, so it was second wife of father, father of choson, choson, mother of choson, second husband of mother. I wasn't there, but from the pic and video that I saw, it looked very nice and smooth.

amother

Maize

Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:53 pm

DustyDiamonds wrote:

That isn’t so. Interfiren is an age old concept.
There are many minhagim about what is acceptable.
Some say a pregnant women cannot. Some say that someone who is single cannot.
It isn’t so simple.

essie14

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 12:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, I've seen that.
I've also seen where all the parents walk down first with their spouses and then the actual mom and dad go back and walk the chattan/kallah.

amother

Heather

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 12:15 am

My in laws are divorced, and according to our Chabad minhag the unterferers have to be a married couple, so my husbands grandparents were the unterferers.
However, we did the women walking me down (so my mother and husbands grandmother, with my mother in law walking nearby).

Does he have grandparents who can walk him down?

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:09 am

I was at a wedding where chosson’s father had passed away, he wanted his mother and brother to walk him but brother and SIL were uncomfortable with that so mom walked on one side, and brother and SIL on the other. It really wasn’t awkward. Can they do parent-chosson-parent-stepparent?

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:11 am

seeker wrote:

Just keep in mind that this is a 2 minute situation that nobody will remember unless there's drama to remember.

Yes and no. Because the DD and the DH both want to walk down together. He's her father, he's created and raised her and their feelings COUNT.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:16 am

Your daughter sounds amazing and I think both you and your husband should stand behind her now and support her to make this as peaceful as possible. That is the greatest lesson you can teach her. Shalom above all. Rav Pam zt“l speaks about this exact scenario in his sefer- it happens so often parents squabbling over a minhag and losing focus. Your husband will IY"H bentch her at the badeken and maybe he can do dance with her at some point.