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Wedding Advice Needed
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abound




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:18 am
DH and his dad walk him down.
DH goes back and walks down your daughter with u.
I do feel bad for chossons mom though...
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:31 am
I remember being at one wedding where the kallah walked down in the centre of a whole crowd. Her father had been niftar some years earlier, so there was none of the acrimony associated with divorce. The mother had remarried, and the kallah had a good relationship with her stepfather, so obviously they would walk her down. But then her paternal grandparents felt their son should be represented, so they also wanted to walk her. At which point her maternal grandparents also decided they wanted to join in, because.... well, why not? And then a couple of random relatives joined in as well. I think she walked in the middle of a cloud of eight or ten people. When they got to the chuppah they all sorted themselves out, and some moved further back.
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amother




Teal
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 2:18 am
abound wrote:
DH and his dad walk him down.
DH goes back and walks down your daughter with u.
I do feel bad for chossons mom though...


This
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 5:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We did ask a Rav. He told us essentially the same as many of you, that we should leave the burden of figuring it out to them and walk her down as planned. The only solution we have from one of them is the men with men women with women. DD and her chosson asked me if I had other ideas, but maybe for shalom
Bayit that is the only one and dh will have to try and be ok.

Has anyone ever seen someone walk half the aisle with one parent and the other half with the other? Like hand off in the middle?


I have seen the following. It was because the parents of the chatan wanted to do fathers walk the chatan, mothers walk the kalla, but the parents of the kalla really wanted to walk her down.

So they did this:
Both fathers walked the chatan.
Both mothers walked the kalla - up until just in front of the chupa (I think there were a few steps to go up).
Then the father of the kalla came out of the chupa (he was already there as he had walked the chatan) down to his daughter, kind of swapped places with the mother of the chatan, and walked his daugher up in and under the chupa - final few steps.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 6:15 am
abound wrote:
DH and his dad walk him down.
DH goes back and walks down your daughter with u.
I do feel bad for chossons mom though...



I've seen this idea but only if a parent isn't there (like not alive or not involved) but otherwise how can you suggest such a thing? How would you feel if you were the mother of Chosson?
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:39 am
Just want to add that you should make sure the chosson and kallah are happy with the decision.

My in laws insisted on having both fathers walk DH and both mothers walk me, as is their minhag.

It still upsets me and I’m married for 15 years.
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:47 am
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
Just want to add that you should make sure the chosson and kallah are happy with the decision.

My in laws insisted on having both fathers walk DH and both mothers walk me, as is their minhag.

It still upsets me and I’m married for 15 years.

It's sad that this even needs to be said.
The wedding day should revolve around the Chattan and Kallah.
OP, you should let your DD and her Chattan make the decision. Whatever they want.
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amother




Linen
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:48 am
seeker wrote:
Just keep in mind that this is a 2 minute situation that nobody will remember unless there's drama to remember.

Maybe DH can reframe instead of thinking he's missing out on walking down his daughter, maybe he can think of it as a special moment walking down his son-in-law. Or at least think of it as the best gift he can give his daughter, to go to her wedding with peace.

That’s not true. I’m married 16 years, my father passed away last year. Of course I remember him walking me down the aisle, it meant so much to me. I remember holding onto him so tightly, more than my mother, because we are closer. I remember all the jokes about how I wasn’t starting off my marriage on the “right foot” because I’m a lefty. And I don’t only remember it now that he’s gone, these are cherished memories for the last 16 years.
OP the first bit of advice I have is really to leave it to them to work out. If that isn’t happening, then the father, mother, and step parent can walk to chosson down.
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amother




Currant
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:55 am
DustyDiamonds wrote:
It’s tough! I hope you can all figure this out smoothly!

Just want to say:

“Walking down the aisle” is a completely Christian concept that somehow has been integrated into frum weddings.

Hachnasas kallah means accompanying the bride to the chuppah. The whole shtetl. You see this in right wing Israeli weddings; there’s no red carpet.

Yes, my parents walked me down, and we plan to IYH walk our kids down the aisle. Yet, it can be helpful to realize that there’s zero religious significance to this, like a bride wearing a white gown, a tradition imported from another religion.

Once again, good luck!!


You may have heard that walking down the aisle is a Christian concept but you misunderstood. If anything, Christians took it from us.
The part of walking down the aisle that’s not Jewish is the marching, bridesmaids, flower girls, grandparents. That marching down an aisle isn’t part of a Jewish wedding. People like the way it looks so they do it but it really doesn’t belong at a chuppah.
Amother maize was right about parents walking kids to the chuppah. It’s definitely a Jewish minhag. Look up שושבינים at a chuppah. Maize used the Yiddish name but you can tell how old the minhag is because unlike a lot of other chuppah minhagim this one is found among all different types of Jews from different backgrounds.
There are places where you won’t have an aisle with people sitting on both sides, and many people don’t have the whole procession of people walking down an aisle, but there’s always a couple (or at least one person, but that’s usually not done) walking both to the chuppah.
Some say it started with Hashem bringing Chava to Adam.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:04 am
seeker wrote:
Just keep in mind that this is a 2 minute situation that nobody will remember unless there's drama to remember.

Maybe DH can reframe instead of thinking he's missing out on walking down his daughter, maybe he can think of it as a special moment walking down his son-in-law. Or at least think of it as the best gift he can give his daughter, to go to her wedding with peace.

The parents and the chasson and kallah will remember it for many years to come, especially any time they look at the wedding photos.

I will tell you, having been remarried for 16 years, my husband raised my child (I keep the gender out of my posts for more anonymity) from my first marriage. The child has mentioned themselves their stress about who will walk them down at their wedding and they are not yet even dating. They want my husband to walk them down but my ex will be very hurt, even though he has been very mean and largely absent. At this point I'd be shocked if he even came to be honest.

OP, considering this website is so vast in terms of community, minhagim, and hashkafos, you really are going to get very different replies here, ranging from people who insist there is an actual halacha for the chasson and kallah to be walked down by only married people, to people who hold that is a strong minhag/as if halacha, to those who hold men walk the chasson down and women walk the kallah down (and only married, at that), to those who are very used to seeing a crowd walk down with people walking next to and behind the chasson and kallah, to anything goes and a creative solution.

I agree with what the rav said - you do what works for your side and let them do what works for them.

When my step kids get married, I am fully ready as the step mother to sit in the front row and not be included in the procession, the badeken, and certainly I will not be one of the first women to dance with the kallah, and this is because my husband's ex really hates me and the kids protect her feelings very strongly... I've long ago come to terms and accepted this.

Let that side decide on their own. It's not like you have any real say anyways. Opening your mouth is not a good idea.
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camp123




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:13 am
I think shalom comes before everything. If it's going to make people feel uncomfortable then be m'vateer and it will be a tremendous zechus for you. Be grateful that it was you that had a peaceful marriage and they got tested with shalom bayis problems. We don't always get to do what we want to in life and this is a good way to practice chesed and shalom.
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mamaleh




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:28 am
Just a thought for your DH if he ends up walking the chosson down (maybe a way to put a positive spin on it):

If he walks the chosson down he will be able to watch his daughter walk to the chuppah (and Daven for her from under the chuppah). There is something to be said for that experience.
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amother




Gardenia
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 10:18 am
mamaleh wrote:
Just a thought for your DH if he ends up walking the chosson down (maybe a way to put a positive spin on it):

If he walks the chosson down he will be able to watch his daughter walk to the chuppah (and Daven for her from under the chuppah). There is something to be said for that experience.


Or he might watch her and think to himself who is that stranger on the end walking my daughter down the aisle??! I think he just might regret that decision.. he can watch her walk down on the wedding video..
Personally I’d be really angry if a request was made of me to do that. I guess if it was done in my circles I’d feel differently perhaps.
I’ve been to multiple weddings where one side comes from divorce. In all it was the parents walking the child down, even though both parents were remarried. It was the parents who brought the child into the world together with Hashem whose shechina is under the chuppah. It was the parents who woke up the countless times to feed the baby in infancy and who sacrificed so much to provide for their child’s needs. After all the hard work, we aspire to walk our children towards the chuppah, the culmination of all our efforts. I wouldn’t want to be cheated of that.
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amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 10:33 am
amother [ Lightyellow ] wrote:
The dads walk the chosson
The moms walk the kallah
Done in many circles even when married
And often an excellent solution when divorced
Mazel Tov!


I was walked down by my mother and mother-in-law because that was my husband's minchag. No one had a problem with that. My own daughter got married a couple of months ago and the chassan's parents are divorced. They asked if we would do the same (men with the chassan, women [just his mom, not recently acquired step-mom] with the kallah) and ofc I said yes. Of course my dh would have liked to walk down his daughter but as the divorced couple were VERY estranged, it would not have been proper to object. They have a right to enjoy their child's wedding as well. My husband lost out a little joy. If they would have had to accompany the chassan together it would not have brought them any.
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 11:03 am
Everyone deserves to do what they have been looking forward to/what their family minhag is/what makes sense with ther family dynamics.
But someone is going to have to give in here, because not everyone can simultaneously do what they deserve to do.

With all due respect to your husband, who has raised his daughter and dreamed of walking her down the aisle, you cannot understand the stress and emotional anguish of having to deal with an ex-spouse at a time that should be so happy. Every decision, every minute leading up to and during the wedding will be hard for ex-spouses who do not get along. Every emotion will be tempered by having to deal with the ex-spouse and how to best avoid causing friction. Even pictures of the happy day are a minefield. And the chosson has to deal with it as well, on his special day. And now the kallah, who cares about her chosson, has to deal with his feelings as well.

So who should be giving in here? The divorced couple who already have a difficult dynamic to navigate and are probably already compromising on a million things to please the other parent? The young chosson, whose special day it is, but has to please his parents, his kallah and his in-laws? The kallah, whose allegiance should now be to her husband and his needs, and will likely feel guilty if her parents demand to walk her down at the expense of her chosson's and his family's feelings?

Or the happily-married adult father who luckily does not need to navigate acrimonious relationships and who, although he may be footing the bill, is not one of the TWO main actors in the story, and his needs should take a backseat to theirs?

All this aside from what other posters have said about starting off your child's relationship (and your own) with the in-laws without resentment.

Ask a rav or try to find a different solution, but IMHO the ansewr here is pretty simple.
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amother




Gardenia
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 11:10 am
They asked a Rav. They were told to walk down as planned.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:19 pm
Thank you everyone. I have shared the ideas with the couple and they are going to speak to his parents to see what everyone is comfortable with.
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amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:37 pm
amother [ Blueberry ] wrote:
Everyone deserves to do what they have been looking forward to/what their family minhag is/what makes sense with ther family dynamics.
But someone is going to have to give in here, because not everyone can simultaneously do what they deserve to do.

With all due respect to your husband, who has raised his daughter and dreamed of walking her down the aisle, you cannot understand the stress and emotional anguish of having to deal with an ex-spouse at a time that should be so happy. Every decision, every minute leading up to and during the wedding will be hard for ex-spouses who do not get along. Every emotion will be tempered by having to deal with the ex-spouse and how to best avoid causing friction. Even pictures of the happy day are a minefield. And the chosson has to deal with it as well, on his special day. And now the kallah, who cares about her chosson, has to deal with his feelings as well.

So who should be giving in here? The divorced couple who already have a difficult dynamic to navigate and are probably already compromising on a million things to please the other parent? The young chosson, whose special day it is, but has to please his parents, his kallah and his in-laws? The kallah, whose allegiance should now be to her husband and his needs, and will likely feel guilty if her parents demand to walk her down at the expense of her chosson's and his family's feelings?

Or the happily-married adult father who luckily does not need to navigate acrimonious relationships and who, although he may be footing the bill, is not one of the TWO main actors in the story, and his needs should take a backseat to theirs?

All this aside from what other posters have said about starting off your child's relationship (and your own) with the in-laws without resentment.

Ask a rav or try to find a different solution, but IMHO the ansewr here is pretty simple.


Well said
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amother




DarkRed
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:59 pm
My DH's mother had been nifterah several years before we met. His aunt and uncle were to be the "married couple" along with his father. Since it would've been awkward for his aunt to walk next to him, so we thought, we did men with men & women with women.

I definitely felt very bad not having my father walk me. And later I thought, why didn't we just have his aunt, his uncle, him & then his father?

Of course much more tricky with divorced couple but one should not negate the feelings of father and daughter, so I am glad some folks have offered creative solutions.

I have also seen one parent walk along with grandparents.

There is definitely an inyan to have the shushbinim be a couple who are from an original first marriage, which is supposed to bode well for the new couple, but I don't think everyone holds it's necessary.
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