Home

Am I the only one who didnt discuss choson class with my son
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:35 pm
we have a nice relationship - I think
but before the chasuna I sensed that the chosen classes were not up for discussion
I referenced it
I asked howz it going
he seemed cool calm and happy and the choson teacher said he is fine

now I'm feeling like I missed out on bonding with him
on making sure any of his questions or worries are answered
even though he seemed fine

he lives far and I miss him [overseas]

pls help me feel better about myself
does it mean I'm a distanced mom?
Back to top

amother




Strawberry
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:37 pm
You should have had enough discussion prior to chosson classes, to makes sure he got the info you felt was important for him to hear.
This would have opened the discussion if his chosson teacher contradicted you, and there was any confusion.
Have you never spoken to your son about the facts of life, that you feel that this was the time to bond?
Back to top

amother




Clematis
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 8:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
we have a nice relationship - I think
but before the chasuna I sensed that the chosen classes were not up for discussion
I referenced it
I asked howz it going
he seemed cool calm and happy and the choson teacher said he is fine

now I'm feeling like I missed out on bonding with him
on making sure any of his questions or worries are answered
even though he seemed fine

he lives far and I miss him [overseas]

pls help me feel better about myself
does it mean I'm a distanced mom?

Nope. You're a great mom who respects her son's boundaries
Back to top

amother




Lilac
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:39 pm
I’m SURE my mil didn’t discuss with my husband, nor my mother with my brother. Just no.
Can’t imagine a young chosson feeling comfortable to discuss this kind of the thing with their mother but maybe that’s just me projecting... maybe father son, but not mother son.
Back to top

amother




Trillium
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:53 pm
As long as you know he went to all his classes, if he doesn't want to discuss with you, that's great that you respected his boundaries.
I know someone who had major issues after she got married and her husband seemed clueless about a lot of things. Turns out that he never completed his chosson classes! He went to a few, got the basic halachos, but then decided that he knows everythinghe needs to know. The rebbe, it seems, didn't inform the parents, and they never broached the subject with him, so they apparently had no clue...
Back to top

amother




Seagreen
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 9:54 pm
I didn't discuss much with my mother after my classes... I had asked her technical questions like do you have to wear white after mikva till wedding but I can't remember discussing more. She did mention be nice to him post mikva....😃

Over the teenage years she threw in comments such as don't have discussions while dh is hungry or you'll both be yelling.

I'm pretty open and honest with her. I've discussed fertility testing and such with her post wedding.

What did you want him to tell you?
Back to top

mra01385




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:00 pm
Your dh should be having these discussions with your son, not you.
Back to top

amother




DarkKhaki
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:05 pm
I think it would be a boundary violation for a mother to have this conversation with her adult son unless he broaches it himself. Make sure he goes to classes with a reputable teacher, but beyond that it's not your place to discuss.

And after they're married the mother does not need to know anything about the couple's intimate life.
Back to top

amother




Papayawhip
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:08 pm
mra01385 wrote:
Your dh should be having these discussions with your son, not you.

Mother and father are equal parents. Fathers are usually more uncomfortable with such discussions. Mothers have a sense of their child better than fathers who take things on a superficial level. I'm the one who has the "talk" with my sons since DH won't. I see it as my parental responsibility.
Back to top

amother




Viola
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:17 pm
It’s beautiful marrying off a son but most of us don’t discuss how hard it is to let go. I remember sitting up with my son, helping him pack the night before his wedding. We were up late, shmoozing and laughing. And then, that’s it. I think it was months before we had a conversation just me and him. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I love my daughter in law and am so happy that they found each other but no one warned me that there’s a time limit to the mother son relationship.

Is it really the regret that you didn’t discuss certain topics with him or just the normal pain of letting go and the nerves with not really knowing if he’s ok?
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:22 pm
I appreciate all perspectives

just for the record he has a very superficial relationship with his father for reasons beyond my control

I think viola may be right

I did make sure with the choson class teacher that he attended
choson teacher told me my son is attending responsive and responsible
Back to top

amother




Cadetblue
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:22 pm
My heart just lurched at your description, above poster, of packing with your son the night before his wedding , and then that’s it !! My oldest son is 16, I have quite a few after him , and I can’t imagine how hard that must be ! I love my boys to pieces ! And to OP, I think you’re doing just fine. You sound like a great mother who just misses her son and worries about him.
Back to top

BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:27 pm
amother [ Cadetblue ] wrote:
My heart just lurched at your description, above poster, of packing with your son the night before his wedding , and then that’s it !! My oldest son is 16, I have quite a few after him , and I can’t imagine how hard that must be ! I love my boys to pieces ! And to OP, I think you’re doing just fine. You sound like a great mother who just misses her son and worries about him.


If it helps, my husband calls his mother regularly and always has. They've had a very good, healthy mother son relationship throughout his adult life.

No chosson talk, but there was one with his dad. Fortunately, not all dads are avoidant.
Back to top

amother




Steelblue
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:38 pm
I wasn't aware that mother talk to their sons about chosson classes. My husband didn't talk to either of his parents. He spoke to his rebbe and read some sefarim, listened to shiurim. As long as he had chosson classes with someone you trust, let it go. My mother spoke to me a little but we are super close, I doubt she spoke to my sisters much about their Kallah classes. This stuff is super personal.
Back to top

BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 10:47 pm
amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:
I wasn't aware that mother talk to their sons about chosson classes. My husband didn't talk to either of his parents. He spoke to his rebbe and read some sefarim, listened to shiurim. As long as he had chosson classes with someone you trust, let it go. My mother spoke to me a little but we are super close, I doubt she spoke to my sisters much about their Kallah classes. This stuff is super personal.


A class isn't really 'personal.' The kid has no s-xual experience yet and the parent isn't discussing their own. It's just information--on a subject people feel awkward about.
Back to top

amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Tue, Aug 02 2022, 11:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I appreciate all perspectives

just for the record he has a very superficial relationship with his father for reasons beyond my control

I think viola may be right

I did make sure with the choson class teacher that he attended
choson teacher told me my son is attending responsive and responsible
Then you did your job. There are plenty of ways to bond other than chosson classes. My relative teaches chassanim and it sounds like boys are often awkward about it. It makes sense he wouldn’t want to talk about it outside of the class.
Back to top

agreer




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 12:09 am
Am I the only one wondering what on earth you would talk about re: chosson classes?

Like, you want to know what the rebbi taught him? Or you want to know if he understands?

I'm so confused.

Please elaborate.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 6:00 am
agreer
the discussion would be if he understood if he has worries if there is a/t he is embarrassed to ask the choson teacher
Back to top

amother




Emerald
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 6:51 am
Not the same thing, but daughter is currently going to kallah classes. She asks me about specific questions, but does not go into detail beyond her questions. She does, however, know that I am here for her for whatever she needs.
Back to top

amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:06 pm
I actually think it’s important to have that discussion. But I’m sure it depends on how close you are, and your personalities. IME chosson classes aren’t enough.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
If your husband or son don't fast on yom kippur (medical)...
by amother
13 Yesterday at 9:58 pm View last post
Help - 4 year old son has meltdowns when wet or dirty
by amother
3 Yesterday at 5:54 pm View last post
Candle lighting tray - which one?
by Growing
3 Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:01 pm View last post
Can one get rich from owning a property management company?
by amother
19 Thu, Sep 22 2022, 2:29 pm View last post
Class doesn't stop talking !!
by amother
45 Thu, Sep 22 2022, 7:37 am View last post