Is it insensitive to eat in front of the kid?

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 1:43 am

I have a 2-year old who is highly allergic to several foods. We used to not have a problem eating in front of him because he never asked for things that were not "his" foods.
Lately he has been saying "I want!" Whenever he sees anyone eating.
Pizza, pancakes, fish sticks, Mac and cheese...all things that he can't eat, he has started crying for them when everyone else is eating them. We get a box of chocolates, everyone else can have, but he can't.
I took the kids out for ice cream the other day. I couldn't leave him home, so of course he came along. He was crying that he wanted ice cream. (I ended up buying him a snack he could eat.) I saw him holding a slice of American cheese the other day and asking me if he could please eat it.
I feel really bad saying no to him all the time.
On the other hand, am I supposed to limit the whole family? I feel awful eating right in front of him when he can't have what we are all having.

I'm curious what other allergy moms do?

lovecouches

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 2:45 am

I Baruch Hashem dont have an allergy kid. But some things I have seen people do is either not eat it at all at home. Or have replacement like if he can have pareve cheese, or sorbet in the ice cream store. Or a chicken nugget if he can have those foods. This way he wont feel left out.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 2:55 am

You can think through these things in advance.

For example, before you go to the ice cream store, buy him a tofutti pareve cone so he can be part of the fun.

Make him pareve mac and cheese with Daiya or another cheese replacement, or at least a pasta with white sauce.

I do think it's unfair to basically flaunt a food in front of a child and expect him to have enough self-control not to eat it.

You can say, "That cheese is not good for you, but here's YOUR cheese that doesn't make you sick," or "these pancakes will make you sick, but Mommy has pancakes that are good for you."

amother

Tealblue

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 3:21 am

I either eat really fast (one bite in my mouth ) while her back is turned or have another food she'll get instead - either something similar or something I know she likes better. So if big kid is eating a pouch she's allergic to, I'll hand her one of her pouches. Cereal, she'll get hers. Granola bar, she gets a corn cake instead. Etc.

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 4:03 am

Poor child. Yes it is insensitive!
My 1.5 year old can’t have dairy so if we get chocolate I’ll give her dark chocolate. If we get ice cream I’ll give her Parve alternative. If I make pizza, I’ll leave a section cheese less ect.

top mom

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 4:51 am

My allergic child is a teenager by now, so it's quite different, but I still wouldn't bake fresh chocolate babka, without making sure that she has some sort of alternative, it's just so insensitive .
I make gluten free rolls when I bake fresh challah etc.

amother

Bottlebrush

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:49 am

Oy poor little kiddo!
We have a 2 year old with many food allergies. None of my older kids have allergies. We either don’t have it in the home, have a close alternative, or wait for him to nap. I can’t imagine how upset he’d be if we didn’t do these measures!

amother

Petunia

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 7:49 am

For pretty much every example you gave there is a substitute that looks fairly similar. Stock up on those and give him the equivalent of what the others are eating. As he gets older this will become more of an issue, not less.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:23 am

I have 1 child with multiple severe allergies and at 1 he also wasn't interested in any food that that wasn't 'his' so it wasn't insensitive to eat it in front of him.

By the time he turned 2 we were VERY careful to make sure he had satisfactory alternitives. There is 1 ice cream store in our neighborhood that was 100% reliable in keeping their pareve ice cream and ices separate from dairy so that's where we'd all go. I couldn't cook eggs when he was around anyway so that was not an issue (no one could eat them for his safety). We also can't keep peanut butter in the house. He's happy with his soymilk, tofutti cream cheese and pareve chocolate. I put a lot of effort into making egg-free baked goods and there are several packaged egg-free cookies that work.

I will note that while it's important that the child not feel deprived, it's also important (for safety) for him to know that he has restrictions ('that ice cream is dangerous for you so we're getting you this ice cream or ices').

So yes, the rest of the family is somewhat restricted in what can be eaten in this son's presence and yes, I do make sure to have suitable alternatives.

amother

Quince

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:43 am

Always have a comparable alternative available.

Its a lifestyle adjustment but completely doable. Its a mindset.

Having pizza? Have a cheeseless or pareve pizza alternative

Having dairy ice cream? Have a pareve alternative. (In ice cream shops, there is pareve ice cream, sorbet etc, why couldn't he have those?)

Its for the obvious fairness and accepting his lifestyle needs as just as much a part of the family.

Other reasons are that you want him to: 1. Accept his allergies and not chas vshalom try to “sneak” and 2. Create normal, healthy eating patterns just as everyone else.

Is it a perfect science? No.
Is it totally doable? Yes.

Once a person has the respect and the tools in place, they can be taught that ‘this is how you were made and here are the ways you can handle it’.

(There will be restrictions, true, but that then has to accepted by the person as one does if they have diabetes, asthma etc. It just IS).

Hatzlacha. Hope he grows out of some or hopefully all!

amother

Sunflower

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:48 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

Just want to chime in that that’s not necessarily true. We were very careful around my nephew till around 6/7 and now he understands much more and doesn’t care. (We still have his prepared alternatives but he won’t cry or ask for the real deal. Understands when he has something different)

I’m still confused that you took him to an ice cream store? I’m actually confused how you didn’t think that’s cruel

amother

Oleander

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:56 am

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

I’m still confused that you took him to an ice cream store? I’m actually confused how you didn’t think that’s cruel

She’s probably used to him being the baby who can’t express himself yet, or doesn’t notice they have something he’s not getting. but he’s getting older and things need to change.

keym

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 8:56 am

There has to be a nice alternative but it doesn't have to be 100% equivalent.
For example my freezer is stocked with eggless mini cupcakes that are frosted with sprinkles.
I send them to school for every occasion.
Yes, his friends are eating donuts or danishes and he's eating cupcakes. I think it's ok. Because it's bakovodik. It would not be ok to send him tea biscuits while his class is eating donuts.

There also has to be a level of understanding with the other kids. For example, my eggless chocolate cake is delicious. The eggless white cake that I've tried is less so. So all my kids know that we make chocolate cake for everyone's birthday. I'll frost it for their preferences. But it's not fair to davka request something that your brother cant have if what he can have is nice and respectable.

It takes a lot of forethought. But you want to train your child that his allergic foods are "boo-boos" but you'll make something yummy and similar for him also.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 9:29 am

amother [ Oleander ] wrote:

She’s probably used to him being the baby who can’t express himself yet, or doesn’t notice they have something he’s not getting. but he’s getting older and things need to change.

This. He never wanted any of those foods before. He never seemed bothered. In fact, it has happened that someone inadvertently gave him the wrong kind of yogurt or the like and he just pushed it away. I always felt he had an inner radar not to eat foods he wasn't supposed to. But it suddenly changed only like 2 weeks ago
.
I took the kids to the store where they sell ice cream, but no parve options. He was ok with a snack. But, yes, I'm beginning to feel its cruel to him, that's why I asked the question!. I just wondered how others navigate this, being that I have many other kids who are not allergic. It's really a matter of this issue sudden cropping up.

I have tried parve cheeses, he never went for any of those. I tried substitute eggs, he wouldn't touch it. We don't bring peanut butter in the house at all.
He does like parve ice cream so I will stock up on those.

Thanks all for your replies.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 9:37 am

Another thing is that I recently went to a bris. I took the baby along. Right away he started asking for food even before the bris. Everything had cheese or sesame seeds or eggs...
I felt really bad. I did have his snacks in his bag (along with his epi) but he only wanted food from the bris. should I have just not gone to the bris? Or left him at home? Or not stayed for the meal?
He loves going out with me. I just find myself in a new situation which was never an issue before. Do you just not take your allergy kids out to public events and parties?

keym

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 9:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I take and bring somewhat similar.
So let's say to a bris, I'd bring a bagel that he can eat, and a danish thing that he can eat.
Then everytime he asks for something, I'll repeat record-player style. "I'm sorry. This bagel has eggs that are boo-boos for Shmuly. Here's Shmuly's bagel". Over and over. If he tantrums, that means he's 2.

amother

Tealblue

Wed, Aug 03 2022, 9:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Trick is not to have just a snack in the bag, but a treat.