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Help me - new to raising boys! :) Need discipline ideas.

 
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LO




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 4:46 am
Hi all,

After a bunch of (pretty tame) girls, I have two boys, aged 2 and 5. Right now I am trying to figure out the 5 year old.....His morah says his behavior in class is pretty average and he is not wilder than normal, but he is certainly way wilder than my girls and I don't know how to discipline because he just doesn't care when he is disciplined, plus I feel like I would be disciplining him every minute.

Examples: throwing toys (and anything else), starting up with little brother (and even older sister, despite getting hit back), screaming (these random shrieks for any and no reason, esp when I am driving), not listening,walking around saying "dirty undershirt" all day or some other similar thing, and calling everyone names.....etc.

I know that none of these things are crazy but the bottom line is that he has to learn to listen, and I need help with 2 things:

1. Which behaviors are considered acceptable for boys - I don't want to have expectations that aren't unrealistic....

2. For the behaviors that are NOT acceptable, what kind of discipline can I use? I need specific examples of on-the-spot consequences or other techniques. I did take Rebbetzin Spetner's class and I do follow her techniques but I feel like I need more technical ideas to make it work and teach him to listen in a positive way. I tried doing a chart with him but he didn't really care if he would lose points for misbehavior....

Anyway, sorry so long. I would really love to hear everyone's input. Thanks!
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 4:53 am
IME, charts are not very effective for impulsive behavior, because the kid is too impulsive to think about the chart right then.
Some things I would ignore, like chanting "dirty undershirt". For other things, I would redirect, even though it might feel constant at first.
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amother




Outerspace
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 5:14 am
Have frequent times when you hold him and cuddle him and if he wants, tickle him but mainly -hear him.
What I'm trying to say is that; establishing a relationship is HUGE in the bigger schemes of disciplining.
While your chatting to him you can say, this, this and this (you decide) can't be done in our home. If you forget I'll say *moment of silence* and you runnn to your room. I'll come right after you and you can decide if you're ready to come right out or if you need some time to yourself before you're ready to come out.
Practice the *moment of silence right then. Make it fun! But serious at the same time.
He doesn't need to be scared or upset because he's not "in trouble" it's more just a moment to reset.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 5:31 am
Most of what u posted is very "normal" behavior.
Re throwing stuff- no throwing in the house and take away whatever he is throwing (if you have a playroom and some soft balls you can allow that only if u are ok w that)
Re starting up w siblings- time outs can be helpful with decreasing this but a lot of time it comes from boredom so maybe also have some ideas for him to do that you can try to redirect him to use before he starts to hit/bother siblings (ideally active like a small trampoline or swing for him to get energy out)
I would ignore the "dirty undershirt" type thing- re yelling in the car- maybe he can pick a story or music that is being played or do car games w ur kids like "I'm going on a picnic "
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 5:37 am
Please no charts! Ugh
I have boys this age. Silly talk is normal. Boys love snuggles, lots of attention, read books to them or play with them. Once they are super confident in your attention, the silliness massively diminishes. Also, my boys like to know what's expected in the house. Ie- I need to take away the toys if they are thrown. And calmly follow through. My boys also love to make a verbal "schedule ". So give them the choice. Like should we do book, bath and then dinner and playtime or dinner first? Etc. Give your 5 year old as much agency as possible.
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amother




Rose
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 6:23 am
Boys don’t just do things because you want them to, like play, behave…

Number one-be proactive not reactive. When he’s got nothing to do-he’ll be busy doing everything wrong. From his part it’s fun seeing everyone’s reaction

Number two-when you get frazzled he gets joy. Learn to respond calmly. Learn to redirect. The less attention he gets for the bad behavior the better
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LO




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 6:29 am
This is very helpful! Please keep the advice coming! I love hearing both the practical tips and the ways in which I need to adjust my own perspective here.....

If you DO need to give a consequence, can you give me some ideas for what is immediate and works well? He likes watching videos and would be upset if that was taken away, but he only gets to do that Friday and Sunday anyway....Taking away desert doesn't do that much....but what else?

Thanks again!
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 6:39 am
LO wrote:
This is very helpful! Please keep the advice coming! I love hearing both the practical tips and the ways in which I need to adjust my own perspective here.....

If you DO need to give a consequence, can you give me some ideas for what is immediate and works well? He likes watching videos and would be upset if that was taken away, but he only gets to do that Friday and Sunday anyway....Taking away desert doesn't do that much....but what else?

Thanks again!


You never 'need' to give a consequence. Kids do well when they can, so it's not a motivation problem. And he knows already that he's doing things he's not supposed to. It works much better to find and address the cause of the behavior rather than the behavior itself. The kids who get punished the most are, as you can see, the kids for whom punishment is the most useless!
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 7:03 am
At that age, he won't learn from a consequence unless it's immediate and related. You throw the toy, it gets put away.
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TravelHearter




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 7:10 am
Try giving a ‘natural’ consequence. Like if he’s throwing, you either take that ball etc away or you calmly hold his hands for a minute (telling him why). A lot of it is also about distraction.
They love seeing us react. Try not to do that (I know it’s hard!!).
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amother




DarkRed
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 10:24 am
I use the approach in 1-2-3 Magic. When my 4-year-old misbehaves (usually hits or yells a bathroom word) I calmly count "1". Then 2. Then 3 - if I get to 3 he gets a time out right on the landing of the stairs. I tell him he is welcome to come out as soon as he is ready to behave, even right away. But no extended conversation, I try to move away immediately.
If he continues to escalate the time outs move up the stairs, then to his room... But since he knows exactly what to expect he usually can stop himself as soon as he hears me counting. It's not perfect, but the time-outs are - as other posters said - just to give his brain space to calm down and reset, not a punishment. It also helps me yell less since I have a go-to response and gives him the stability/security of a predictable outcome. It's also important not to reward bad behavior with extra attention (hence no conversation in time-out) and to give him plenty of positive attention at other times.
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amother




Whitesmoke
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 12:01 pm
Boys need a lot of physical outlet. When they don't get it, they take it. By grabbing, throwing, screaming. Up the level of physical activity for him and never let an hour go by that he is not using his body in some way. He can help you shlep heavy stuff, pound dough for you, punch pillows, squirm across the floor without using his hands, climb the stairs backwards on his hands and knees, polish windows, run, jump, climb.

If you're used to girls the amount of physical outlet comes as a shock but as soon as he is getting what he needs, you'll see him calm down.

Discipline is a bit of a different question. I would sit him down and be straight with him. You've got to do what you're told. and try and think of what he cares about. Every child has something that is important to him. One of my boys, the biggest punishment for him is being told to sit on a chair for five minutes. Another one doesn't care a hoot. For him, I'll send him to his room.

Signed mother of 3 amazing girls followed by 6 fantastic (and energetic) boys.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 12:11 pm
I agree with whitesmoke. On Sunday we went to dinner at a pizza place with my mother (her youngest child is 32) and my 5 year old son was being what she considered wild. I asked him about it at bed time and he told me I have so much energy I cant hold it all in my mind. His moros last year said he was a pleasure. He just has a lot of energy. When I see the downward spiral I take him outside and have him run circles in the front yard and it does wonders. He is a much calmer child when hes done.

He is very with it and very eager to please so I find he wants to behave he just needs to be taught how. I like collaborative problem solving a lot but thats just me.
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amother




Blue
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 12:13 pm
I have the opposite! Several boys and then two little girls. The screaming and kvetching is driving me up the wall... Wink

But yes, besides for the high-pitched kvetches, my boys were MUCH harder. They are naturally more impulsive and wild and loud and messy. So that's all normal.

For stuff that you can't ignore or chalk up to "normal boy," I found that firstly, you wanted to stop the misbehavior if at all possible in that moment. That's what everyone has been saying about taking away toys that are thrown. In the same way, if he hits his little brother over the head with his toy, the toy goes away. If he continues being physical, he needs to move somewhere else to calm himself down. If he is not listening when you tell him to stop doing something, you physically stop him from doing it, even if he screams while you're stopping him -- move him away from that area if necessary. Obviously gently, without screaming at him or anything. (Easier said than done, I know.)

These things WILL NOT make him suddenly decide not to hit his brother the next time something happens. But lecturing or punishing him (taking away food or entertainment or whatever) also won't.

What will? Catching him when he's not yet out of control and trying to help him respond in the way that you'd like him to. Like if he is getting upset at his little brother and looks like he's going to hit him, come over to him and say in a strong voice (so he knows you get how strongly he feels right now) "Wow, you're really angry! You were playing with that first, and you didn't want him to take it away from you!" Then think about how you'd want him to respond, and coach him. "You can tell him, I had it first. Please give it back. If that doesn't work, you can come to me for help, and I'll help you talk to him." It'll take a whole bunch of repetitions of this, but with time, he'll learn how to respond to frustration appropriately.

Shrieking while you're driving can be dangerous. I'd try to address this head on. Plan an outing with him that only he would be disappointed if it wouldn't work out. Tell him you're going to drive there, but the car needs to stay calm; if it doesn't, it's not safe and you'll need to turn around and come home. Then see what happens. If he screeches, pull over to the side and remind him that you can't drive while he's screeching, and you'll have to turn around and head back home if it happens again. Give him that one reminder, and then if it happens again, turn around and head home. Be prepared for a major meltdown, but it's worth it. He's learning. Be empathetic but firm. And if he doesn't screech, give him a TON of positive reinforcement, call Bubby and Zaidy to tell them how proud you are of him that the car stayed so calm, tell his older siblings, talk about it the whole time you're there, etc. If you do this two or three times (and I realize it's hard to make that investment of time when you have other kids, but I'm telling you, it's worth it), driving will become much less stressful.

Now can you please tell me how to make your eardrums kvetch-proof? My girls are driving me nuts Smile
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amother




Mintcream
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2022, 12:24 pm
I have a boy that same age after 2 girls. They are a completely different breed. Punishment never worked on my DS but getting silly with him did. Boys need lots of love, unconditional love. Once you show it to them they melow down a bit.
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