How do you not fast, if your kids are fasting?

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:07 am

Hypothetically...

My daughter will be fasting in 2 years...

She always asks me why I am not fasting if I dont have a little baby. Baby is 2.5.

I always reply something rav told me not to.

I dont know what I would say to her once she starts fasting. Id feel so bad.

I was always brought up with everyone in my house fasting, so was never an issue for me to fast as a young girl.

How would I put it over to her she SHOULD fast, if Im not?

BrisketBoss

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:19 am

You have a legitimate reason not to fast. People who shouldn't fast, shouldn't fast, and it's good for her to be raised knowing that. I don't see why it should be a conflict.

amother

Mimosa

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because to her my reasons are probably not significant.

Not eveything is black and white and can be explained to the ears of a 10 or 11 yr old.

She doesn’t have to know the reason. Only that your Rav told you not to

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:45 am

If you asked a rav and he told you not to, all you need to say is that you spoke to a rav and this is what he told you.

If you are not fasting because it’s hard and you don’t want to then that’s obviously not a good excuse and your children will realize.

ora_43

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:00 am

"When I was your age, I was able to fast, but unfortunately as I got older I wasn't able to fast anymore because of health issues. A rav told me I shouldn't be fasting, so now I don't."

('health issues' covers a very broad range... although do maybe add 'nothing serious or life-threatening, but it does mean I can only fast yom kippur' (or whatever) just so she doesn't worry)

Easy enough to explain.

The emotional side of things is harder. It's hard to see your kids fasting when you aren't. Not much to be done about it. Maybe focus on doing things to make her fast easier (before, during, and after), that can help.

amother

Diamond

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:12 am

I've been eating in front of my fasting kids for many years. They know I can't fast and that I asked a Rav. This is a good simple way to introduce gray into her black and white. There are halachos about fasting when pregnant, nursing, ill, and when to break your fast, etc.

amother

Hosta

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 8:20 am

It's very hard. My suggestion is not to hide it. When I felt bad and hid it I ended up sick just like when I fasted. I gulped quickly and infrequently and ended up so sick that I was still in a weakened state when Yom Kippur came around. Not worthwhile. I sat the kids down and told them the rav said I can't fast because of how sick I get and how long it takes to get back to myself and I need to save my strength for yom kippur.

amother

Dill

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:02 am

Honesty is the best way to go. No reasons explaining your problem to your children. ''I spoke with our Rabbi and I can't fast right now'' End. If your children have a problem with this, they can ask their own questions to the Rabbi themselves. Most kids will understand.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:08 am

When I was newly pregnant one year with other small kids my husband asked a rav what I should do since I have a hard time fasting. The rav told my husband that it’s better for him to miss saying kinos in shul but rather come home to help me. He basically explained that my husband should do everything in his power to help out so that I don’t have to break my fast. My husband didn’t want to have that on his conscious that I couldn’t fast because of him so he stayed home and helped a lot.
Of course I take care of the kids better than he does but we’re talking about one day only. My kids weren’t happy all the time. My husband wasn’t happy all the time. It was hard for me to hear everything and not do so much about it.
Yes, it’s a mitzvah to fast today. All those who fast and mourn the destruction will merit to rejoice with the next Bais hamikdosh.
Obviously if someone is not well they should ask what to do. It’s a hard day. It’s not easy to fast. It’s not meant to be easy. We want to be a part of the geulah so we do it. It’s one day and then we continue on.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:41 am

OP, I havent fasted in many years (except yk and 9 av) because I am a migraine sufferer and it gets really bad for me if I cant drink.
It also was very bad on 9 av and yk so I asked our rav about that and he told me what to do, so essentially I dont fast ever (sometimes I try till chatzot on 9 av but YK, if I need, it is shiurim).
My daughter has known for years already, even before she turned 12 a few years ago, that not everyone can fast like everyone else. There is no shame in that. And yes, sometimes I end up eating (more so drinking) in front of her, but she knows that its because I cant fast like she can. Just tell them the truth.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:50 am

Feeling hungry and uncomfortable from fasting is not what it means not to feel well. Being in physical pain or having extreme physical weakness (ie. feeling faint) is what halacha is referring to when there is leniency not to fast.

amother

Camellia

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:59 am

I haven’t fasted in many years ( only YK) for mental health and other reasons. My Rav gave me an absolutely clear heter but I still feel awful about it because it feels like im different from everyone else who is “ normal”. I can’t bring myself to tell my teens they think I fast I just don’t eat in front of them. My younger ones don’t really notice. It’s easier when my teens r in camp on tisha baav…..

amother

Mint

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 12:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because to her my reasons are probably not significant.

Not eveything is black and white and can be explained to the ears of a 10 or 11 yr old.

She’s fasting at 10?
My 10 year old understands I am not fasting. She even asked me.
And she is fasting half a day.
I do t like to eat in front of them because it is hard to see someone eating when you fast. Not because I am hiding it.

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 5:08 pm

I wouldn't eat literally in front of anyone who was fasting, but neither would I, on a regular day, eat ice cream in front of someone who was fleishik or dieting. It's just not mentchlich. OTOH I wouldn't hide the fact that I don't fast if I have a halachically legitimate reason. I don't have to tell anyone what the reason is, as that's none of their business. All they they need to know is that I asked a shailah and was told not to fast. And then I'll give them something to do and go eat in another room. If they're too young to be left unsupervised while I eat, they're too young to fast, so what's the problem?

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 5:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have two kids who are fasting this year. It’s not new to them that I don’t fast, so it’s not an issue. Plus also this year I’m pregnant so for sure I’m not fasting.
They know I get sick when I fast and that’s why I don’t. Tell her your reason for not fasting, it shouldn’t be a secret. (Unless you are in early pregnancy and not telling yet and don’t want to tell her.) My kids all know, even my 6 year old, that mommy doesn’t fast.