Ds doesn't seem comfortable to share

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 12:45 pm

Ds in early 20s is OTD but very respectful, and would not do anything thats not ok in front of us (other sc and me, his father is OTD).
We notice that he feels uncomfortable to share with us about that part of his life eventhough I told him that we love and respect him for who he is and don't judge him.
I don't like that he feels he has to pretend because we know .....

Any tips of what to do or say to help him feel more at ease?

amother

Gardenia

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 12:49 pm

Leave it alone. Just a guess but Maybe his discomfort in sharing is partly his discomfort about living his life this way. Let will work through this without the emotional complications that your involvement would bring.

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 12:55 pm

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

He probably just doesn’t want to cause you pain.
Wouldn’t it cause you pain if you saw him do any of that?

He knows that we know and that I'm OK with knowing. He'd not do anything openly

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:01 pm

Follow his lead on this respect his boundaries and leave it alone.he doesn’t have to share with you on this and you don’t have to prove to him you are okay with it. In general there are areas young men of that age don’t share with their mothers. It’s normal.
Sounds mutually respectful of him too.
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Ruby

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:18 pm

Like others I am confused about what you want him to share that he isn't.

Has he not officially come out to you regarding his being OTD?

Or is that he isn't sharing specific experiences that he engages in because he is OTD. Do you want him to tell you about the delicious cheeseburger he had yesterday or about his girlfriend. I am being a bit facetious obviously about the examples but confused as to what kind of conversations you would want to have.

I think it is relevant because that would change my advice. If he is OTD and thinking he is hiding it from you, then it would be good for your relationship to let him know you know and that you love and accept him unconditionally and that he doesn't have to hide it from you.

If he shared that he is OTD and you have told him that you love him but he isn't sharing specific experiences with you that is not abnormal behavior for a 20 year old adult in terms of what they share with their parents.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:22 pm

If I were OTD I think I would also feel awkward talking about it to my parents. I mean, it's sweet that you care and want him to feel respected and not judged.

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:01 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

If I were OTD I think I would also feel awkward talking about it to my parents. I mean, it's sweet that you care and want him to feel respected and not judged.

I guess he doesn't feel comfortable because he knows it's not my way and might upset me.
I just want a close relationships with dc....

amother

Peru

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:13 pm

I’ve been OTD for a while and wouldn’t share anything about it, partly because I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but mostly because I myself wasn’t comfortable with this life and wasn’t sure I wanted it.

Not going out there and throwing it all in peoples faces gave me the room to change and turn my life around.

OTOH, if he is open about it but simply doesn’t want to talk, that’s because he is respectful. A respectful person will never feel comfortable talking about things that hurt or bother another person even if you will love and accept him regardless.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I guess he doesn't feel comfortable because he knows it's not my way and might upset me.
I just want a close relationships with dc....

Maybe re-think what close means at this age and in this situation?
Can you give an example of what you’d like him to share?

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 6:50 pm

amother [ Tuberose ] wrote:

Maybe re-think what close means at this age and in this situation?
Can you give an example of what you’d like him to share?

Like if he went to town/bowling on shabbos which is something likely he does on shabbos.

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 6:57 pm

Find other ways to share connect and genuinely be closer. Let go of this area as the way to achieve your goal.his not sharing this area does not mean he doesn’t feel close to you.
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:00 pm

And if his father is otd then sounds like may be a complicated situation requiring even more sensitivity.
Perhaps reach out to rabbi yy Jacobsen or rabbi Shais taub /some people find rabbi Russell helpful too.

imasinger

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 7:16 pm

You could open the door, but only if you really want it open.

One downside could be that you would be made more aware of choices that might bother you. Or that he might feel free to bring up details around younger siblings, setting a difficult example.

If you decide you'd rather know more, you could either ask a specific question, like "did you go bowling yesterday? How was the game?"

Or you could tell him that you don't want him to edit his activities when he talks to you, that you accept him and won't comment on the choices that aren't in line with halacha (or however you're comfortable saying it).

In either case, you could still add a caveat about times and places for such conversations.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 9:59 pm

And I have an OTD child telling me about his hangovers and I’d be really happy not to be included in that part of his life. I don’t think feeling close to a child (or anyone, for that matter) means you have to share every single part of you. I feel like it wouldn’t hurt my child to remember that I’m the parent sometimes…)

tichellady

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 10:03 pm

“ I don’t want you to feel like you have to omit details of your life that involve not keeping kosher, not keeping shabbos, etc. I want you to feel like you can talk to me without having to censor yourself”