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What's the correct chinuch approach - Tantrums
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meeze




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:37 am
Am I supposed to let my 4 year old boy decide that he's wearing long sleeves instead of short sleeves today? It's 95 degrees where I live and humid so it gets close to 100.
He sweats and shvitzes away when he gets home when he starts playing with the neighbors till bedtime

There's a fight and tantrum every morning regarding this. He cries and tantrums for almost 2 hrs that he doesn't want to wear short sleeves.
Then he goes to my husband and there he wins. My husband "understands him" as to the reason why he doesn't want to wear short sleeves and lets him wear long.

We already went through with this on the short/ long pants. I finally decided to end the fighting and put aside all shorts for the summer and ordered him long pants , but as I see it didnt end there. Now the short/long sleeve business started. He throws such a fit that my neshuma goes out.

Im so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that while he's in cheider and he might be chilly with air conditioning he might not want to be in short sleeves. But outside when he gets home? He never follows through to change into short sleeves.

Ok, so besides my frustration with this situation here that I want for his well being to be cooler and he can't understand this, is that I only have 4 long sleeve shirts left that fit him. Im not buying him new season shirts now.


So for all u mothers which went through similar situations with boys, whats your say?

Thank you
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:38 am
I pick my fights after explaining why I think short is better I let him pick
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amother




Snapdragon
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:39 am
I could have written this post! I officially gave up this morning with The short pants!
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amother




SandyBrown
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:54 am
Which piece of this is chinuch? Is there harm being caused to the child?
My son is five. He doesn’t want to wear shorts. So he wears long pants. And he is hot. And, no harm. Just hot.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:58 am
He's not in danger, is he? This sounds like a "Put your coat on; I'm cold" situation.
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amother




Wallflower
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 12:51 pm
First rule of parenting is pick your battles. Will he be hot? very likely. Is it worth fighting over? No.
My dd today decided she was wearing a thicker dress rather than a thin one. She usually after a while of wearing it, will decide of her own accord she is too hot and wants to change. I have learnt to separate out my children from me. What my child chooses to wear does not have to make me feel inadequate.
I'm assuming this is a sensory child who prefers the feel of long sleeves over short sleeves, or maybe it's a feel of the fabric. I would suggest you look at why he doesn't like wearing them and see if there's something you can do together to come to an agreement. Most of my children are very sensory and I have learnt my kids preferences and buy the pants/tshirts etc in the materials and styles they like.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 12:54 pm
I would pick other battles over this one. It's his choice. I don't think it's a dangerous situation so I would let it pass. Save your veto power for really important things. Hugs op! Hatzlocha!
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meeze




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 12:54 pm
I hear you.
How old is you DD?
Is this normal for such a young age to determine if it's appropriate to wear short or long? He is only 4
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:05 pm
I don't think this is a chinuch issue at all. Let the child have some control over what he wears. He will be fine. You wear long sleeves? Have you passed out or ended up in the hospital because of the long sleeves?

Ok you might think it looks weird if you compare to other boys but that is your issue to work through. Not his. He obviously doesn't care about looks.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:10 pm
My 5 year old stopped wearing shorts at 3.
His comfort level, his choice.
I let him explain his reasoning to me. 1) falling while riding bikes or scooters he's less likely to bleed because his pants protect his knees 2) his big brothers in yeshiva wear long pants.
Of course I have a million reasons why I want him to wear shorts, but it's not worth it.

Long shirts, also. You set your limits. You don't want to buy more, you don't want to wash more frequently.
His decision is to choose any clean shirt in the drawer.
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amother




Mulberry
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:11 pm
To my child it was a sensory issue, he didn't like how his hands felt naked, and I did not fight it.
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nicole81




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:12 pm
The only chinuch aspect that's worth commenting on here is that mommy and tatty have to be on the same page. A child should not be learning that they can go to a different parent for the response the first parent didn't give them. Ever. You and your husband need to work on how you are going to respond to such actions.

Agree with others, re letting the kid where what he wants. Tell him he might be hot and he can change his mind the next day if it doesn't work. And you can ask him after school/camp if he was comfortable. If yes, great. If not, support him in thinking through other options.
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amother




Navy
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:13 pm
If he’s that uncomfortable he’ll figure it out himself. If he’s not uncomfortable then what’s the problem? At this point it might have turned into a power struggle. Let it go and he’ll either come around or stick with the long sleeves because that’s what he prefers.
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amother




Stonewash
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:18 pm
My 3 year old insists on wearing long sleeves because she wants to be like me!
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:25 pm
nicole81 wrote:
The only chinuch aspect that's worth commenting on here is that mommy and tatty have to be on the same page. A child should not be learning that they can go to a different parent for the response the first parent didn't give them. Ever. You and your husband need to work on how you are going to respond to such actions.


This. Please discuss this with your husband. In our house, there's an ironclad rule: "Mommy says what Tatty says, and Tatty says what Mommy says." If you've already asked one parent, you don't go ask the other one.

If we find that there's a disagreement between us on how to address a certain issue, we discuss it when the child is NOT around and decide how we're going to respond when we're asked X. Then we're a united front. Even if we don't 100% agree, we find a way to compromise (e.g., maybe I don't want him to have too much sugar, my husband thinks I'm being too strict, so we decide that he can have sugary treats only for Shabbos party, at a kiddush, etc. and only this much -- just as a pareve example).
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meeze




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:26 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
If he’s that uncomfortable he’ll figure it out himself. If he’s not uncomfortable then what’s the problem? At this point it might have turned into a power struggle. Let it go and he’ll either come around or stick with the long sleeves because that’s what he prefers.

He does feel hot and shvitzy and he tells me, but still refuses to change into short sleeves
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SG18




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:28 pm
I wear long sleeves all summer long and am completely fine! If your daughters will wear long sleeves (from whatever age you do this) your sons can, as well!
I don't see this as something worth fighting over. Buy him thin long sleeve tshirts and let him do what he wants. You can teach him to push up the sleeves, if he's sweaty.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:33 pm
meeze wrote:
He does feel hot and shvitzy and he tells me, but still refuses to change into short sleeves


Ask him why and listen to his answer.
Is there someone he admires whom he wants to imitate?
Has he heard from anyone that long sleeves are better even for boys?
Has he heard from anyone about ticks or sunburn?
Is he more comfortable with the breeze on his arms?

Ask him why?
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:35 pm
meeze wrote:
Am I supposed to let my 4 year old boy decide that he's wearing long sleeves instead of short sleeves today? It's 95 degrees where I live and humid so it gets close to 100.
He sweats and shvitzes away when he gets home when he starts playing with the neighbors till bedtime

There's a fight and tantrum every morning regarding this. He cries and tantrums for almost 2 hrs that he doesn't want to wear short sleeves.
Then he goes to my husband and there he wins. My husband "understands him" as to the reason why he doesn't want to wear short sleeves and lets him wear long.

We already went through with this on the short/ long pants. I finally decided to end the fighting and put aside all shorts for the summer and ordered him long pants , but as I see it didnt end there. Now the short/long sleeve business started. He throws such a fit that my neshuma goes out.

Im so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that while he's in cheider and he might be chilly with air conditioning he might not want to be in short sleeves. But outside when he gets home? He never follows through to change into short sleeves.

Ok, so besides my frustration with this situation here that I want for his well being to be cooler and he can't understand this, is that I only have 4 long sleeve shirts left that fit him. Im not buying him new season shirts now.


So for all u mothers which went through similar situations with boys, whats your say?

Thank you

This really depends on the child. There is no best way to deal with tantrums - what works best for one child won't work for another.

Specifically regarding the sleeves: Why does he prefer long sleeves? To me this screams "sensory issue" and begs you to take him for an evaluation.

Now you can of course take away all the long sleeve shirts and see what happens. You can also find cheap or free shirts (hand-me-downs) from others, and then you don't need to spend money.

But I would look for the root cause here, and leave the tantrum bit aside.

As an aside, long sleeves doesn't mean hot fabric. So long as the fabric is thin enough that he won't overhead, I'd let him wear what he wants.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 1:39 pm
Better sun protection too, with long sleeves of a good fabric. Don't desert peoples wear long? I always wonder why short is our standard here (until you have to suck it up for tznius reasons, in our case).
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